A Psychotherapist's Journey

FILTERS WE CAN NOT PURCHASE but ones that influence our thoughts, beliefs, and actions!

2011-07-17T00:47:00.013-04:00

The most common filter that comes to mind is the one we use in our coffee makers each day. Yet, the number and variety of filters used for almost every conceivable purpose, is not the sort of filter that’s occupying my thoughts at this time.

Specifically, I’m thinking about how each of us filters how we see, hear and experience our individual and collective realities from a psychological perspective. Just as when we’re driving and are confronted by a blind spot when our car’s mirror is positioned in such a way that we can’t see another vehicle that's only feet away or, if we do see it, we misjudge its distance from us - so too, we each have blind spots regarding how we think, what we think, and how we behave.

Although I’m calling them “blindspots” for the purpose of cutting to the chase, what they truly resemble are the filters through which our beliefs and subsequent actions are colored. Another way of stating it is the particular lens through which we have been taught to view our world.

Something all of us have no doubt experienced is how siblings convey what they perceive to be true about their family. There is never ONE truth, of course, and often the stories told by siblings sound as though they’re talking about living in different families. Here, too, throughout history, all people, every nation, every religion has claimed to hold fast to truths that work to protect their identity, to make sense of the world as they wish to see it. For good and for bad, the bottom line is that is how and why prejudices are formed, wars are fought and people everywhere, in every age, have come to know their own brand of reality. They do so through how they filter what they view and what they believe.

In the art world, for example, Christian Skeel and Morten Skriver claim that “art serves as a filter through which the artist captures and expresses an inner experience in a tangible form. But it also provides a filter whereby the viewer of a work of art has the opportunity to enter into resonance with the artist and touch the inner spirit that guided the work’s creation.”

In the world of psychology, psychoanalyst Ruth Rosenbaum―when addressing the role of “filter-shifts in the process of change and growth in psychotherapy” concludes that “this dynamic is examined from the perspective of the interaction between patient and therapist, and how each affects the other through the modification and expansion of their respective conscious and unconscious filters.”

What does all this mean and why do I feel so preoccupied with thinking about how each of us filters our thinking? For me, it’s a preoccupation with today’s world as I see it with my perspective and how I experience it through my particular filters. My concern is about the world we are leaving for our children and grandchildren.

A refusal by many to acknowledge that there is no one truth keeps us all ignorant of inevitable consequences.

Those who are rigid and hold on to beliefs, never changing anything about the way in which they perceive or think, have very narrow filters. They are least likely to experience a life rich in variables that teach about other ways of viewing the world around us. Case in point: the times in which we are living now are filled with ambiguities and contradictions in perception. There are those who believe in global warming and those who de-bunk all scientific evidence that prove its existence. There are those who believe in tolerating all people and those who believe in tolerating only those who are like themselves, whether it be the color of their skin, their religion, their cultural inheritance, their sexual orientation … and the list goes on. This is true today and has, no doubt, been true throughout the ages. Where it becomes a threat to our very existence is when the filters that shape who we are and define us as individuals and nations also separate us and turn us against one another, each rationalizing that his way is the only way, his belief the best belief, his notion of what’s right and wrong, good or bad, is the only notion to be believed and followed.

What we must ultimately ask ourselves, then, is how do we—given the fact that such filters will always exist―move toward being a more civilized world when we have among us those whose extreme fundamentalist thinking and actions do, more often than not, lead to acts of horrific destruction and hatred? How do we protect ourselves from a world which seems at the edge of economic, social and religious disaster?

Please submit your thoughts and opinions on this subject to this website and I will publish them all, in the hope of opening a dialogue that will help each of us to broaden our filters and help us to influence the current patterns of destruction in positive, creative, and mindful ways.

Yours,
Linda
http://www.applemanshapiro.com/
*If you have not yet done so, please visit my website and listen to the interview with me on Bookpod.
There, too, feedback would be much appreciated. Thanks.

TWO WOMEN OF VALOR: Betty Ford, Former First Lady of the U.S. and Marsha Linehan, PhD

2011-07-10T18:30:00.014-04:00

First Lady Betty Ford (1918-2011)

Dr. Marsha M. Linehan 1944 - )

Although people have suffered from mental illness since the beginning of recorded history, until recent years they did so in shame, totally stigmatized, often “put away” and always living - and more often dying - without hope.

Former First Lady, Betty Ford, who at ninety-three died Friday, July 8, 2011, gave a public face to cancer and addictions, while Dr. Marsha Linehan added greatly to the field of mental illness. Both women have influenced the treatment of these diseases in profound ways and their impact has had a lasting effect on those victimized by pain, living with inadequate care, in shame, and without hope.

Most importantly, they have helped to de-stigmatize those suffering from one or another of the diseases: advocating not only for cancer and the proper treatment for substance abuse and various addictions, but also furthering the advancement of our understanding and acceptance of those suffering from mental illness. Ford and Linehan have each offered significant solutions for people who would not otherwise have been able to live productive lives with dignity and courage.

A survivor of breast cancer, Betty Ford took the whispering of the word "Cancer" (the big "C") out from of the closet, becoming one of the first advocates for the care of women diagnosed with cancer.
In addition, her family - the President of the United States, Gerald Ford, and their four children - did an "intervention" to convince the First Lady that she was suffering from alcohol addiction and that her suffering was affecting the entire family. After agreeing to receive treatment, she went on to co-found the BETTY FORD CENTER, a rehabilitation haven for those "affected by alcoholism and/or other drugs." Many thousands of people have entered the facility since its doors were opened in 1982 - from the rich and famous to every day citizens who are offered financial assistance when needed - and all of whom, in the Center's mission statement, are offered "treatment to begin the exciting journey to a new life."

Professor of Psychology, Adjunct Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the University of Washington in Seattle, and Director of Behavioral Research and Therapy Clinics, Dr. Marsha Linehan, whose biography notes "her primary research is in the application of behavioral models to suicidal behaviors, drug abuse, and borderline personality disorder" is best known to those of us in the mental health community as the developer of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), a therapy which combines behavioral science with concepts of "acceptance and mindfulness derived from eastern and western contemplative practices." She has saved countless lives with her groundbreaking research and treatments which include helping patients to identify their thoughts, beliefs, and assumptions and then teaching them different ways of thinking and reacting. In effect, Dr. Linehan tells patients, "Your problem is that you don't know how to regulate yourself, and I can teach you how." Mentoring others to use DBT has created a significant number of qualified therapists who now help those who are diagnosed with "borderline personality disorder."

However, in Dr. Linehan's case, it was not until last month, in June, 2011, when she - for the first time - in a speech presented at the Living Institute in Hartford, Connecticut, disclosed (much to the shock if everyone in the audience) that she has suffered from that very disorder. She revealed a life-long history of multiple suicide attempts and years of deplorable hospitalizations and only after attempts to heal herself and then entering the field of psychology did she ultimately contribute greatly to our understanding of the brain and its various disorders.

For Linehan the treatment modality known as DBT was, in no small measure, discovered through her own suffering and has subsequently helped thousands of people, even before she self-disclosed.

As we here in the States mourn the death of former First Lady, Betty Ford, we must acknowledge the strength of character and the service provided by her courage and willingness to he help others, reaching beyond herself and her loved ones to all who suffer, thereby taking away harmful, destructive stigmas and fear, providing us, instead, with life-affirming gifts of recovery.

The courageous spirit of both these women is to be commended as we continue to treat all patients, allowing them to come out from the chaos created by their demons where once there were the equally if not more harmful diseases of secrets and shame.

As a society, we can hold our heads high, knowing that people such as Ford and Linehan (and many others not mentioned here) are willing to give a face to their own disease, and beyond that provide treatment for all in need of help.

As a psychotherapist/addictions counselor and the daughter of a mentally ill mother who suffered before the days of modern medicine when current treatments were not available, I am personally indebted to both these women and encourage everyone to read about their lives, their challenges and their accomplishments.

Yours,

Linda

http://www.applemanshapiro.com/

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." -- Marcel Proust

2011-05-15T02:40:00.021-04:00

Army Corps of Engineers Major General Michael J. Walsh Commander of the Mississippi Valley Divisions speaking to New Orleans District Commander Col. Ed Fleming by the Morganza Floodway that opened Saturday May 14, 2011 in Batchelor, Louisiana to lower the height of the Mississippi River and the potential flooding of Baton Rouge, and New Orleans

I can think of many interpretations for Proust's words - and you, no doubt, could add some of your own - but, at this time when we are inundated with visual images of of the Egyptian Revolution, the Libyan Civil War, the uprisings in Syria, and the multitude of political conflicts in the Middle East and throughout Africa ... it seems to me that it is incumbent upon us and upon our leaders to discover new ways of reacting and interacting, discovering new paradigms for new times.

And if the international landscape of 2011 were not as overwhelming as it is, we only have to look at what's happening with (1) the rippling effects of the current economic turmoil to (2) the most horrific scenes of the worst floods to hit the Central United States in more than seventy years.

We see the flood waters swallowing up homes, farms and roads as the Mississippi River swells to six times its normal width. We watch as people abandon their homes, their businesses, their earthly possessions destroyed.

The Associated Press quotes Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal: "About 2,500 people and 2,000 structures are within the spillway and another 22,500 and 11,000 buildings are vulnerable to the rising water." Yesterday, Louisiana's Morganza Floodway was opened, sending torrents of brown water from the Mississippi River into the Atchafalaya River basin, a move designed to spare Baton Rouge and New Orleans.

Once again, we are witnessing nature's fury testing our ability to survive its wrath. For those of us who are out of harms way - at least for the moment - we must pray for those who are being dislocated and traumatized, not knowing what the next hour or the next day will bring, and, worse still, not knowing whether they will ever be able to return to a life that even resembles normalcy.

Is all the harm we are doing to our environment coming back to bite us? Whether or not we believe in the consequences of the much debated issue of "global warming," it is true that increased moisture does cause natural disasters such as flooding. That being said, surely we must find ways - or in the Proustian sense - new eyes with which to deal with our various landscapes.

And the landscapes are not only geographic and political. They include the more private ones within each of our lives, within each of our families. For it is not just natural disasters that come back to bite us! We need new eyes to see the harm done to children today who are being denied the advantage of a proper education due to cuts in state budgets. We need new eyes, new ways of helping young parents who are struggling to figure out how best to succeed should they be experiencing the loss of income or are without health insurance should they or their children be confronted with illness.

As a society, we cannot allow the torrents of emotional and physical stress to destroy the spirit and courage needed for us to survive, walking our path with wisdom and dignity.

So, yes, in this voyage of discovery in our lives, we must find new eyes to help guide us.

Yours,

Linda

*You can hear me talk about my memoir FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS in a 5-minute audio recording by Bookpad, "an audio series of interviews with writers of lasting value ..." at http://www.bookpod.org/loving-mentally-ill-mother/

2011-05-11T13:10:00.000-04:00

You can hear me talk about my memoir FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS in a 6-minute audio recording by Bookpad, "an audio series of interviews with writers of lasting value ..." The link is http://www.bookpod.org/loving-a-mentally-ill-mother/

MOTHERS DAY AND MENTAL HEALTH MONTH!

2011-05-08T00:48:00.010-04:00

As one of two bloggers recently invited by Wellsphere (www.Wellsphere.com) to attend the MENTAL HEALTH AMERICA’S 2011 Annual Conference in Washington, D.C. in June, I am honored and eager to do so.

Having devoted more than twenty-five years to working as a psychotherapist and addictions counselor, and as the daughter of a mother who suffered from major depressive disorder, I have devoted much of my adult life advocating for mental health. So, clearly, I want very much to hear about what the attendees – advocates, consumers, educators, researchers, business, community health professionals and the nationwide network of 300 affiliates – will be exploring as they “suggest opportunities to strengthen wellness in individuals and communities through advocacy, education and service delivery.” And I will be reporting about the conference upon my return.

But, today, Mother’s Day 2011, I am about to do something I have never done before. I have decided to re-print the blog I wrote last Mother’s Day. For those of you who recall reading what I wrote, I hope it will have as much meaning the second time around … and for those who are reading it for the first time, I hope that what I say will resonate with you and that you will be able to appreciate my need to share it once again. I am doing so, I suppose, because this has been a year of challenge and healing for many of us – myself included – and at such times, in particular, I think it only proper to count one’s blessings.

The best way for me to do so today is to express my gratitude and what is for me the celebratory nature of Mother’s Day.

Re-printed from A PSYCHOTHERAPIST’S JOURNEY, Mother’s day 2010:

On this Mother’s Day, as I find myself feeling more sentimental than usual, I wish that my mother were still alive to meet my grandchildren who were born years after her death and to know the young women, my daughters, whom she only knew as children. I wish, too, that she could have lived to benefit from all the advances in psychiatry and psychiatric medications.

In the first chapter of my memoir, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS, I write: “Mother didn’t read to me. She told me stories.” Though some of her stories were colorful and amusing, the majority were sad and filled with the tragedy of her earliest memories and the loss of both her parents before she entered adolescence. It’s also true that my mother’s behavior – due to her frequent bouts with major depression - often lacked consistency, ranging from being loving and rational to the times when “she was not herself” and when she and all our family suffered. Yet, despite what we were denied due to her mental illness, I was never left feeling un-loved. That is the one loss I never suffered, though I know many people who have.

My mother’s love for me was unconditional, and it is a gift I will always cherish. So, while our lives were far from ideal, I welcomed her love and continue to welcome LOVE every day of my life.

Since today is Mother’s Day, I naturally find myself thinking about her. But, May is also Mental Health Month, and I wish to honor her memory by focusing, as well, on the issues of mental health.

What still astounds me is the fact that though early detection and treatment is always stressed when referring to physical illnesses, the stigma of mental illness and emotional problems still exists today, often silencing those who are suffering and those who witness the suffering: parents, siblings, colleagues, or closest friends.

Researchers and clinicians study statistics and educate themselves about emerging treatment modalities, including the advances discovered in medications. Yet, all too often, the public at large remains ignorant and consequently powerless about what to do about the dark feelings they experience or the questionable behaviors they witness – all of which are outside the accepted norms.

Many of us, unfortunately, assume that we are capable of handling disturbing and potentially life-threatening problems on our own. Yet, that is the one thing we cannot afford to do. Call it denial, call it a paralysis to take action. It doesn’t matter what label is used, what matters is that we cannot allow emotional cancers to grow. We cannot ignore warning signs and pretend that by ignoring them everything will simply “go away.” We must educate ourselves or allow others to educate us, even though it is easier, at first glance, to think – especially when children are at risk – that abnormal behaviors are but a passing phase that will simply heal with time. In a small percentage of cases that is absolutely true. Yet, it is still wiser to err on the side of having an evaluation by a trained clinician, whether our concern is about a child, an adolescent, or an adult.

The number of suicides, murders and rapes on college campuses, the abuse and then “disappearances” of women with disgruntled partners or husbands, the snatching of children by strangers who are listed as sex offenders or even by their own deranged parents MUST NOT escalate further. Attention must be paid and treatment made available for those who are sick. Every sick person who goes untreated and every person who takes the law into his or her own hands affects the very fabric of our society.

I would not, of course, have continued to practice therapy these past twenty-five years if I did not believe that each of us has the potential to alter and even reverse destructive patterns of behavior. With the exception, perhaps, of sex offenders, I believe that mental illness is, in general, treatable, especially when diagnosed and treated early. Some need and benefit from only brief treatment and others may need to be stabilized throughout their lives; but, first and foremost, we must recognize when help is needed for ourselves or others.

On this day, I encourage us all to honor the mothers who mothered us to the best of their ability and to each of our daughters who are now mothers themselves. We must also honor the people who seek the help they need to live healthy, productive lives, making good choices, learning how to best cope with life’s challenges and how not to hide and feel shamed by their genetic wiring. Getting help to improve whatever predispositions we may have inherited or developed is something each of us deserves.

The most recent statistics from reputable sources claim that there are nearly one in three Americans who suffer from a mental disorder in any given year. That’s more than 75 million people! And we know, too, that mental illness does not discriminate. It affects children and adults of all socio-economic backgrounds and across all races and religions.

The bottom line is that every mentally well-balanced person in our society makes us all that much safer and healthier. Investing in mental health is an investment in our individual future and the future of the world. We cannot afford to turn our backs and pretend it does not exist. We must somehow be a part of the solution and not add to the problem.

Should you or someone you know need help, please get a referral from a trusted physician, a person you know who has benefited from being treated by a particular practitioner, or a mental health clinic or agency in your local area that has a good reputation. Call for a consultation. Interview whoever interviews you and remember that therapy is only as good as the clinician who is treating you. The relationship you have with that person is a microcosm of all relationships outside the therapy room. Therefore, if you learn all that you can learn from a therapist (with or without the added assistance of medication when indicated), you will gain the tools to be your very best person and, as the saying goes, to make lemonade from what you believed was merely a lemon.

********************************************************************

Today, Sunday, May 8, 2011, I am honoring the memory of my dear mother Mariasha Paretzkyn Appleman. My hope is that we will all be mindful of honoring mothers the world over and paying attention to the needs of mental health in our society at large.

Yours,

Linda Appleman Shapiro

http://www.applemanshapiro.com/

NATURE'S WRATH in the midst of a 21st CENTURY FAIRY TALE

2011-05-01T00:08:00.003-04:00

Prior to and during the fanfare surrounding Great Britain’s Royal Wedding, we here in the States saw the total devastation experienced by the citizens of Alabama and others whose lives and livelihoods were being destroyed by tornadoes. Flood warnings continued yesterday for areas all along the Ohio, Wabash and White rivers. Levees where the Mississippi River runs through Mississippi and Louisiana en route to the Gulf of Mexico were also threatened, and, though what is to come can not be predicted, it is, most assuredly, feared.

Seeing the photos of entire towns flattened, the faces of those who lost all their earthly possessions – to say nothing of those unable to find loved ones or having to bury those they found – is almost too much to fathom.

In an article released by CNN’s reporter, Mark Levine, I was particularly struck by his examination of hurricanes throughout the ages and a reference made to what he believes poet John Keats might have called: “A partner in your sorrow’s miseries.”

Levine reported – much to my ignorance, I admit – that around 2,000 tornadoes occur between the Rockies and the Appalachians each year. “Tornadoes terrorized early American colonists and settlers on the western frontiers in much the same manner they send people scurrying for cover in their basements today. Despite our best efforts to heed warnings and seek protection,” he concludes that “tornadoes offer unnerving evidence of the limits of our vigilance.”

In his lengthy coverage of the facts, his most profound observation is that: “For those who suffer the effects of disaster, nothing good can come from the experience. For the rest of us, disaster is a valuable, potentially humanizing reminder of the vulnerable ground on which our dreams of stable lives are built.”

Indeed! I doubt that there will be any houses of worship this weekend in which there will not be prayers offered for the victims and references made to that very vulnerable ground.

Ironically, at the same time, millions of television watchers were glued to their sets, watching the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Princess Catherine in London – truly a fairy tale-type theatrical occurrence.

Whatever one thinks of the money spent on such an extraordinarily lavish wedding, the truth is that tourism and money spent by all the spectators do help the British economy while lifting the spirits of so many.

In the end, I suppose it is ironic that in the face of such destruction by natural causes, we find ourselves buoyed by the spectacle of a royal wedding. Witness the cheering crowds eager to share in a joyous event at a time when so much of the world is unstable and in chaos.

If only we could believe as did Anne Frank – the innocent, precocious, and terribly young victim of the Holocaust – who expressed so eloquently in her diary: “The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature, and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of Nature. As long as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.”

Oh, that that were true! Yet, still, we must marvel at the fact that in some places we do have springtime sun. Days with new growth and new-found hope. Days when occasional life-like fairy tales do still exist, allowing us dreams of our own we might not otherwise dream in these difficult and extraordinarily challenging times.

May more of us have reasons to dream!

Yours,

Linda Appleman Shapiro

www.applemanshapiro.com

MORALITY and RELIGION:

2011-04-24T10:16:00.048-04:00

Happy Easter

RELIGION is often defined as “a set of beliefs involving
devotional
and ritual observances pertaining to a moral code governing human behavior."

In an ideal world, the moral code followed by all who belong to any
religion would, in fact, dictate moral behavior.

Yet, since the earliest of times, we know that religious differences have caused more wars, devastated more countries, divided people belonging to the same religion, while tyrannical leaders have caused and continue to cause atrocities such as the holocaust of European Jewry in the 20th century and massacres and acts of genocide continuing into this century.

Today, on Easter Sunday, and during this week of Passover, I can think of no better time, no better opportunity, as we celebrate these holy days, to teach and inspire our children to live by our religious beliefs and moral codes.

It is unacceptable to think that most of us are sitting by idly as so many of our youths are bullied not just by fists and curses but by those who, time and again - hiding their faces or not, disguising their identities or not – wreak havoc with the lives of their peers to the degree that those who are taunted feel isolated, hated, and ultimately are opting to take their own lives in ever increasing numbers.

Christian parents who are commemorating the resurrection of Jesus Christ today, Easter Sunday, can take this opportunity to devote themselves and, in turn have their children devote themselves to a spiritual resurrection, a time in which to renew their commitment to lead loving and compassionate lives.

Jewish parents celebrating the festival of Passover, commemorating the exodus of the Jews from Egypt and freedom from slavery, can continue to teach their children to identify with all people who fight to be free from oppression, encouraging them to experience this as a time to commit themselves, as well, to standing up to bullies, to finding the part of their moral compass that will encourage them to be loving and compassionate.

These holy days are not simply days to attend religious services and enjoy family feasts. We owe it to ourselves and to all who are fighting for freedom around the globe to teach our children first and foremost about respecting themselves and then how they can extend that respect and compassion to others.

We live in a world where those opposing freedom are slaughtering innocent civilians, murdering doctors and nurses who treat victims of repressive regimes (as occurred in Syria just days ago)... and hundreds - if not thousands - of our youth are committing suicide because bullies are making them feel that they cannot endure the dark days of their lives. Mustn’t we all do whatever is in our individual power – in our homes, temples, churches, mosques – to put an end to those who see themselves as all powerful when, in fact, they are callous cowards who should be forced to suffer the consequences of their actions?

To feel any hope at this time, I need to believe that in practicing the best of what the moral codes of our religions have to offer we might have a chance, at least, to live in a saner, better world.

Happy holy days to one and all!

Yours,
Linda

A NOTE TO ALL MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS:

2011-03-28T10:18:00.004-04:00

Please excuse the fact that yesterday's notice about my message titled " A BRIEF INTERMISSION" should not have included part of an older blog, just as another old post should not have been sent to you Saturday. Both were sent in error by blogspot.

Can't begin to understand how such an error occured. Can only express my regret and look forward to your following my blogs just as soon as I return to writing in a few weeks.

Again, my apology.

Yours,
Linda

2011-03-27T02:02:00.051-04:00

A BRIEF INTERMISSION ...

Announcement:

A PSYCHOTHERAPIST'S JOURNEY will not be posted for a few weeks.

I am in a race for time, readying my second book (a "BLOOK" - commonly referred to these days as a compilation of blogs in book form) for publication.

I wish you, my loyal followers, as well as any who may have just discovered this site, good health and successful productivity until I return. Please know that I send my warmest regards and heart-felt gratitude for your loyalty.

In the meanwhile, do visit or re-visit my website at http://www.applemanshapiro.com/ to learn more about my work as a psychotherapist/addictions counselor/life coach and oral historian. You may also order a copy of my memoir FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS directly from my site, with no charge for shipping. Many thanks.

Yours,

Linda

DRUG THERAPY PAYS. TALK THERAPY COSTS and is often being tossed.

2011-03-20T13:55:00.012-04:00

The choice facing psychiatrists and mental health professionals is on its way to creating a nation with an increase in mental health problems and leaving us little faith in our entire system of health care.

When I first began treating patients in the early 1980’s, I thought that talk therapy was the best way to go. Then, as I became a more seasoned therapist, it became clear that psychiatric medications were often very helpful (if not necessary) when given in small doses for those with difficulty reacting to current life stressors and particularly for those suffering from major depressive disorder, on-going panic attacks, bi-polar disorder, and the like. I began working with psychiatrists and psychopharmacologists whom I knew had reputations for never over-medicating, and have since then offered this combination of talk therapy along with medication, when medication is indicated.

Fortunately, I am not alone in the psychiatric and therapeutic community. Most of us agree that the combination of both therapy and medication is the preferred path to well-being.

Drug therapy alone – though a quick, expedient fix – is never, in my opinion, the best treatment. I am particularly disturbed by the fact that family physicians have at their disposal samples of heavily advertised anti-depressants, which they hand out too easily and too often. Drugs have different properties and different side effects. Not following a patient weekly to note objective changes and/or effects is doing them a great disservice.

In order to allow patients to lead stable, productive lives, treating some patients with talk therapy alone is often sufficient. Other times, medication coupled with having an on-going therapeutic relationship with a qualified professional is optimal.

Perhaps, having said that, you will better understand my reaction to Gardiner Harris’s March 5th article in the New York Times. The title, in fact, should give it away: TALK THERAPY DOESN’T PAY, SO PSYCHIATRY TURNS INSTEAD TO DRUG THERAPY.

Harris focuses in particular on one psychiatrist’s confessions of only prescribing medication after a brief consult with a patient and no longer offering talk therapy. This is all in contrast to his training at one of Chicago’s prestigious medical schools where upon graduating he started a psychotherapy (talk therapy) practice in 1972.

Until the last few years, in fact, he treated roughly 50 patients a week, some even twice a week. As the article reports: “Now, like many of his peers, he treats 1,200 people in mostly 15 minute visits for prescription adjustments that are sometimes months apart … often not even able to recall the names of his patients, when before he knew their inner most lives. Then his goal was to help his patients become happy and fulfilled; now it is just to keep them functioning.”

That was definitely the line that made my anger soar.

We all have choices to make. Psychotherapists as well as patients. Yet, the article (with its many statistics) made me believe that we are, indeed, turning into a nation where even when people are being helped, the goal is to help them to be merely functional.

Think of all the CEO’s who expect workers to perform at peak levels. Yet, it’s common practice to fire workers for not meeting company standards, because all they are doing is “functioning.” Functioning means showing up on time, staying the entire day, but remaining only on the surface of full productivity and never realizing their full potential.

We all know of such stories.   We also know that decisions made by health insurance companies and the government are ones that are made in large part due to ignorance and ill-advised priorities, all of which put our health at risk.   On the one hand, psychiatrists are being convinced – such as the one cited in the Times – to change priorities.   Clearly, listening to patients talk about their problems, developing a trusting relationship with them and helping them to process their options is no longer sustaining his practice financially. He, like many others, is choosing to simply medicate. Worse still, psychiatric hospitals that once offered patient’s months of talk therapy now discharge them within days, with prescriptions for medications in hand. This is shoddy medicine and speaks to the heart of the matter: quality of treatment versus ignorance and greed.

I don’t wish to spend time judging doctors who choose not to take financial losses and opt only to prescribe. Each of us has to live with the life style of our choice. The professional decisions we make throughout our lives also have to resonate with what is important to us. Yet, the great majority of we therapists who continue to offer talk therapy are not psychiatrists. We cannot, therefore, medicate, and in continuing to see patients, many of us do so at a cost.   For those of our patients who have no coverage, we allow them to pay whatever they can.   For others, we offer a sliding scale and hope that those who pay in full will help cover our costs. When it doesn't, we end up compromising too much of our income, and our financial burden then becomes a real stress in our lives.  As I see it, there’s something very wrong with this picture.

Those in government who are making public policy as well those in the health care industry who dictate the number of allowable visits do so, more often than not, with no understanding of the dangers involved in ceasing treatment.

Unnecessarily long hours are spent by providers attempting to justify, for instance, why someone who has expressed suicidal thoughts is at high risk. What they refuse to accept is that if therapy is discontinued due to lack of coverage they (the insurance companies) will be paying much more money for repeat hospitalizations. But none of that seems to matter. Theirs is a business first and foremost. For those of us needing to deal with their representatives, it is apparent that most seem to have little understanding of psychiatric disorders. They are spokespersons (gate keepers) for a business. The business just happens to be “health care.”

As providers we believe that psychotherapy is a microcosm of all human relationships. The inability to navigate and understand relationship issues and the effects of early life trauma is - through a relationship of trust - explored and, when most successful, resolved during talk therapy treatment.

Talking and processing life events is instrumental in helping people to heal and to develop new ways of behaving, developing better coping skills and gaining an awareness (if not total insight) of how their behavior effects others and how others effect them.   Without that, no amount of pill taking will allow people to alter their expectations, understand how best to improve the quality of their life or their work. We will, instead, become a nation of robots whose wiring may be somewhat less taut, less liable to explode, but we will certainly not be better able to live richer, fuller, happier lives.

What will it take, I wonder, for those in positions to change the system, to make the mental and physical health of our people once again a top priority?

Yours,
Linda

*Visit my website at http://www.applemanshapiro.com/ to learn more about my psychotherapy practice, my work as an addictions counselor and oral historian and my book, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS, which may be purchased directly from the site with no fee for mailing.

THE AFTER-EFFECTS OF TRAUMA: PERSONAL AND GLOBAL

2011-03-13T03:46:00.015-04:00

There are traumas and there are TRAUMAS! None is ever pleasant nor easy to overcome – but when everything one owns and everyone one loves is threatened by a natural disaster such as the earthquake/tsunami which occurred and continues to impact on the lives of everyone in Japan – there are no words to describe the devastation, no meaningful expressions of sympathy for those lost, missing, or dead. With homes and businesses destroyed and after shocks continuing to rumble and tumble the insides and outsides of all that was familiar one moment and gone the next, how is anyone to cope?

So many of us throughout the world have been viewing what happened almost from the moment the quake occurred. With other recent natural disasters, along with acts of terrorism, such images remain forever in our heads, leaving us more conscious of our own vulnerabilities. For those of you such as myself, with relatives or friends in Japan now, the nightmare is even greater.

My dearest nephew Marc, along with his wife Shari, their youngest son Drew (and many members of Shari’s family) left the States Wednesday for a long planned vacation to Japan. And though they arrived in Tokyo just prior to the quake and afterwards did e-mail to say that they felt relatively safe, I am more than merely eager for them to return home.

As of this writing, we do not know exactly when that will be possible.

For them, the experience will, no doubt, be life-altering. For the entire country of Japan and its citizens, though, this experience will be a trauma from which it will be nearly impossible to recover. Being safe one moment and then having the floor beneath them shake and the building or home they were in sway with sounds of impending doom, had to have been nothing short of utterly terrifying.   Then, too, there is the threat now of waiting to learn if any or some parts of the country have been exposed to what indeed may turn out to be the world’s worst nuclear disaster. That in itself may not only be threatening but immobilizing.

Since the 911 terrorist attack and natural disasters such as Katrina, we here in the States have all felt less smug about what is in our power, less certain of anything we think is in our control, and certainly less confident in the future of the world as we know it.

On the positive side, such catastrophes often bring out the best in people. Average citizens are already working to send aid and scientific experts are offering to help figure out exactly what happened as well as how best to control what is happening and what might happen again. Physicians and numbers of health care providers are also volunteering to assist.  Not least of all, leaders of nations, 50 including the United States, have offered to extend help to Japan.

However, in the words of an American reporter living in Tokyo for many years, this is Japan’s moment for transparency in its actions. Acknowledging their need and willingness to accept help, to disclose ALL that they know to all of their citizens is of the utmost importance, if their people are to have any trust in their government and any hope for survival.

Such disclosure is akin to an individual’s acknowledgment of pain and willingness to seek help rather than keeping his life’s struggle a secret. Just as with a dysfunctional family, secrets only breed dis-ease and confusion, if not mental illness. So, too, with nations! Japan, therefore, has the opportunity - if not the responsibility – to report honestly to its people and to the world. Making decisions based on the most sophisticated knowledge they can receive from any countries willing to offer their expertise and assistance at this perilous time is obviously essential. In the end, it will be more than beneficial. It is the honorable way to save themselves and show the world they are capable of doing what is both expedient and noble.

For the most part, however, no one else can truly experience the after-effects of another person’s (or another nation's) response to a traumatizing event.   Each of us has different resources to draw upon when tragedy strikes. Some of us have few, if any. And although our sorrow remains always and forever our own, no matter how rich or poor we are or whatever part of the world we may live in, that sorrow can be made easier to bear when others offer us their help.

Obviously, there are differences between personal traumas and global ones. The nature of how they affect our psyche and our soma can be equally devastating, but they are different, nonetheless.

As a survivor of a personal trauma – namely my mother’s bouts with mental illness and its effect on each member of our family – what’s happening now in Japan reminds me of a chapter in my memoir FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS, in which I wrote about my mother's suffering the after-effects of being a child in war-torn Russia during WWI.

“The turmoil of mother’s internal world was later hidden behind what appeared to be a stubborn reluctance and lack of desire to see more, to visit new places. Early imprinting, which had adhered trauma to change, had also kept her wary of travel, even when she could do so in comfort years later. Staying with what was familiar, she remained confined, a prisoner in her four rooms, living in a tiny slit of space she assumed to be her only choice ….. venturing out was not an option. There was no going beyond where fear had paralyzed her and memory still held her in its grip. ….. Reminders of the sadness that filled our four rooms haunted me for years. Shadows from [Mother’s] past darkened the present, as the constant fear from living with real or imagined danger fed a growing anxiety. Even when life was relatively calm, it still felt as though a storm was looming.”

I wrote those words because my mother’s traumatic memories created traumas of my own.

Now, in this surreal time when Japan’s toll on human life is staggering and the country’s infra-structure may indeed be forever altered, I can only hope and pray that all who are in various states of shock – trapped, injured, or separated from their loved ones – will survive and WILL be offered the possibility for healing, re-building, and re-creating , not just themselves but their nation.

Yours,
Linda

*Visit my website at http://www.applemanshapiro.com/ to learn more about my psychotherapy practice, my work as an addictions counselor and oral historian and my book, which may be ordered directly from the site with no fee for mailing.

THE MEDIA HAS MOST ASSUREDLY RAISED OUR TOLERANCE FOR INSANITY and VIOLENCE

2011-03-06T01:28:00.015-05:00

Acts of insanity and violence saturate our TV screens, the radio, and the internet. This constant exposure to a wide range of abuse has raised our level of tolerance and, in so doing, brings us closer to a state of apathy and acceptance of aberrant, uncivilized behavior.

In the midst of wars and unbearably painful scenes of humanity on the run in so many countries, our lives are now barraged with the antics of Charlie Sheen. People can’t get enough, hear enough, see enough of this sick and dangerous man. Interviewers seem too intimidated to confront him. Photographers find him everywhere and plaster their findings wherever and whenever they are allowed to do so.

Yet, Reality TV has blurred the distinction for many of us between what is acceptable and what is simply scandalous. For those who have become addicted to following his every move and can’t stop themselves from watching him, talking about him and tweeting, it says as much about them as it does of Sheen himself.

No one has stated this phenomenon better than writer Anna Holmes (creator of the website Jezebel) in the NY Times op-ed, Friday, March 4th.

The title of her piece, “THE DISPOSABLE WOMAN,” tells it like it is! She recounts Sheen’s self abuses and makes clear that “his abuse of women is barely broached.” Citing Piers Morgan’s CNN interview with Sheen, Holmes notes that “inertia is not for lack of evidence.” Each of Sheen's "incidents" was reported nationwide: his 1990 “accidental shooting” of his then fiancée, the suing by a college student struck after not accepting his sexual advances, a sex film actress claiming to have been thrown to the floor during a fight, a restraining order issued against him by a previous wife, Denise Richards, who claimed he threatened to kill her, and his 3rd wife who called 911, stating that he held a knife to her throat (to which he pleaded guilty and was put on probation). All of these were made public.

More recently, we recall the scandal in NYC when another actress who appears in sex films locked herself in a bathroom after Sheen went into a violent rage. Again, though a criminal complaint was registered, no arrest was made. And last, but certainly not least, his former wife and mother of his twin sons, alleged that “he had claimed to cut her head off, put it in a box and send it to her Mom.” Do we see him remanded for a psychiatric evaluation or behind bars? No. We find him constantly gaining the attention of hoards of people who see him getting away with offensive and sick behavior. His money can and often does buy him, not simply freedom, but more fame.

The tragedy is that no one is helping Mr. Sheen. We see his addictive behavior. We are subjected to his manic gibberish while he’s allowed to side-step his treatment failures. And we know that any other citizen – someone neither famous nor wealthy – would have long been sentenced by the courts or even silenced.

Holmes writes that “a woman’s active embrace of the FAME MONSTER or participation in the sex industry implies that she compromises her right not to be assaulted, let alone humiliated, insulted or degraded; it’s part of the deal. The promise of a modern Cinderella ending – attention, fame, the love and savings account of a rich man – is always the assumed goal.” She further states that the “objectification and abuse … is not only an accepted occupational hazard for certain women, but something that men like Mr. Sheen have earned the right to indulge in. ….. These assumptions – about women, about powerful men, about bad behavior – have roots that go way back but find endorsement in today’s unscripted TV CULTURE. The overall conclusion is that, for many, Mr. Sheen’s real-life, round the clock, recorded outbursts and the sexist narratives devised by reality television producers, in which women are routinely portrayed as backstabbing floozies, and dreadful behavior by males is explained away as a side effect of unbridled passion or too much pilsner.”

Worse, still, “they make assault and abasement seem commonplace, acceptable behavior, tolerated by women and encouraged in men.”

As a psychotherapist/addictions counselor, I have treated one too many abused women – ordinary, self-respecting women who were neither actresses nor famous – and, who, even after receiving orders of protection, were raped or assaulted in unimaginably torturous ways while their “perpetrators” got a slap on the wrist, probation, or a minimal amount of time spent in jail. Many women in 21st century America – not only in third world countries – are victims of abuse every day. Those who are their abusers – whether mentally ill and/or addicted to one drug or many drugs never get the media attention that Sheen gets and therein lies the rub.

We have a society in which many rich and famous men such as Sheen go untreated for obvious psychiatric disorders and are allowed – if not encouraged – to continue to see women as disposable.

As far as I’m concerned, Sheen should never have been given the opportunity for air-time. Attention should be given to all men who are found guilty by giving each and every one a psychiatric evaluation, a treatment plan and when, necessary, a jail sentence. The women should be given the therapy needed to move beyond the trauma they have endured and we, as a society, should not allow the Sheens of the world to walk our streets, to have custody of any children, or to have the pleasure of any woman’s company until they have received sufficient mental health care and are abstinent from all drugs.

Once we afford them the luxury of a public forum and the publicity fit for presidents and kings, we’ve lost the right to call ourselves anything but enablers and abettors of criminal acts, especially against women!

Responses?

Yours,
Linda

WAR CORRESPONDENTS: WHY THEY ARE NEEDED AND WHY WOMEN ARE OFTEN TARGETED MORE OFTEN THAN THEIR MALE COUNTERPARTS

2011-02-27T01:15:00.004-05:00

We enter dangerous territory whenever we sit in judgment as to why any of us chooses a particular job or profession. The answers are as personal and as complex as any one individual.

I’m often asked whether being a psychotherapist is depressing and why I would choose to listen to people’s problems all day. I understand why such questions are asked, but they often come from private prejudices based on people’s limited and frequently unrelated experiences.

More to the point is the fact that job choice often reflects the simple need to earn enough money – especially in difficult economic times –or the lack of openings in one's chosen profession.

Those of us are fortunate who are able to follow our passion and do work that offers self-gratification and allows us to use whatever talents we possess. Yet, having said that, I know that I could never be a war correspondent and place myself in harms way, even though bringing necessary news to the world’s attention is a noble deed which serves an important role as history is in the making.

In today’s world especially – where the internet, cell phones and television coverage offer instant communication – we witness the atrocities of war more quickly than ever before. In turn, world leaders are forced to be more visible as they struggle to make critical decisions.

What we don’t see – namely, the diplomacy that may or may not be going on behind the public’s awareness – is not anything that I or any average citizen can comment upon. However, I do feel the urgency to respond to the recent coverage of the fate of female war correspondents.

Writing in the NY Times (2/20/11), KIM BARKER, a reporter for the investigative journalism Web site ProPublica and the author of a forthcoming memoir “THE TALIBAN SHUFFLE: Strange Days in Afghanistan and Pakistan" recounts how, in 2007, while in Pakistan as a journalist for the Chicago Tribune she was grabbed over and over again,, shouted at, and forced – in self-defense – to punch her attackers, she never complained to her bosses. In fact, she further states that she “knew other female correspondents who weren’t so lucky, those who were molested in their hotel rooms or partly stripped by mobs ... Yet, she and several other female reporters never told their bosses for fear that their stories would keep them at home the next time anything important happened that they wanted to cover. “I was hardly alone in keeping quiet,” she writes. “The Committee to Protect Journalists may be able to say that 44 journalists from around the world were killed last year because of their work, but the group doesn’t keep data on sexual assault and rape. Most journalists don’t report it.”

Her purpose in telling us this is to highlight what happened to the seasoned CBS correspondent LARA LOGAN who broke that code of silence. However, we are left asking at what cost, when we read commentators imply that Logan was somehow at fault. It’s the all too familiar story of blaming the victim! Kim Barker, though, adamantly states that the attack was not Logan’s fault but the mob’s fault ... Despite that, she fears that female correspondents will now be kept away from the front lines. And while some may feel that would be the appropriate decision given what we now know, Barker’s concern is that women cover women’s experiences in war in ways not accessible to men. Abused women, she concludes, are often more comfortable talking to other women and their stories are as important as the accounts of battles ... She cites articles about those women who “set themselves on fire in Afghanistan to protest their arranged marriages, or about girls being maimed by fundamentalists, about child marriages in India, about rape in the Congo and Haiti.”

Another female reporter, SABRINA TAVERNISE, writes about “REPORTING WHILE FEMALE” and echoes many of the same sentiments in describing “the hazards of the job that most of us experience and few of us talk about.”

As commented in the New York Post by ASHLEIGH BANFIELD (an Emmy Award-winning correspondent for ABC News, who has reported from Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iran and Iraq) :‘’It ain't pretty being a war correspondent ... No one need remind Americans of the hazards that foreign correspondents face almost daily. But it's a sad little secret shared by many female war reporters that there's an additional nasty welcome awaiting us at many demonstrations and rallies populated predominantly by men ... There's a good chance we will be groped, pinched, slapped and/or experience severe molestation in a discreetly sinister way. It's unpleasant … it's humiliating. … and sometimes a painful nuisance – but it's not something that's likely to change anytime soon. And it's something many of my female colleagues simply endure in order to carry on doing the job they love ... It doesn't often escalate to the kind of atrocities meted out upon Lara Logan in Egypt, but it can, and it does. The truth is the garden-variety rally in predominantly Muslim countries is strictly male. A woman's voice and presence is often muted in many of the places where the streets are erupting in political consternation right now ... Frequently, those rallies are frenetic and angry. The arrival of TV cameras is fuel on the fire ... The proximity of women, particularly Western women, can be a recipe for disaster ... One of my former Pakistani colleagues confided in me that she would never cover a political street rally because the predominantly male crowd would likely whip themselves quickly into a frenzy and confuse their political angst with sexual opportunity."

JUDITH MATLOF, author of HOME GIRL writes: “The solution is to prepare women to deal with the unmentionable, rather than taking them off the job. I know firsthand about sexual harassment in the field, having worked for 20 years in places like Rwanda, Chechnya and Sudan, to name a few. I once narrowly escaped an assault in Angola, when a priest helpfully intervened to stop a pair of policemen from marching me and other women into a shed ... Lots of people carry guns and few perpetrators are caught. Western women are moreover often viewed as promiscuous game in countries where females are veiled, and no amount of headscarves will protect them. The goons frequently count among the very folk we rely on to do the job — translators, drivers, guards and sources ... Fortunately, Logan managed to escape, and I wish her a speedy recovery. She was courageous to go public, and I hope this hideous episode raises awareness in other newsrooms ... Obviously no amount of foresight can guard a woman against all eventualities, such as an unruly mob that erupts out of nowhere. Still, editors should not refrain from dispatching women into combat for fear of sexual assault. Instead, they should prepare staff to make informed decisions that help them to cope in case the unthinkable occurs.”

Now that South African born LARA LOGAN, CBS’s chief correspondent for foreign affairs, married and a mother of two children has allowed her story to be revealed, she has brought to light the fact that there is no shame in telling the truth. Most importantly, we must laud those who, as LARA LOGAN, are the voice for innocent peoples caught in the terror of war, having no other means by which the world would hear them or see them.

When brave correspondents who continue to reveal the horrific secrets of war are themselves victimized, they must not suffer silently, either. If we encourage silence for those who suffer verbal or sexual abuse – whether in the military or covering military operations, witnessing the overthrow of despots or aware of abuse perpetrated in families – we are no better than their attackers! We may not always have the power to protect the innocent, but we certainly should have the wisdom not to condemn them.

Do share your thoughts on this sensitive subject!

Yours,

Linda
*Visit my website @ http://www.applemanshapiro.com/ to learn more about my psychotherapy practice, my work as an oral historian, my memoir FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS and how you may purchase it directly from my website (without any fee for mailing).

THE CHANGING FACE OF WAR AND THE UNCERTAINTY OF WHAT WILL FOLLOW!

2011-02-20T16:17:00.022-05:00

Egyptians protesting non-violently in the streets of Cairo.

As any psychotherapist knows, depending upon the degree of abuse, repression or trauma experienced, it can take years for a person to feel free from the shackles of memory, the reality of the present moment, and the choices that have to be made in order to move beyond the experiences of oppression.

Why would we assume it to be different for entire nations?

The crushing crowds of people filling the streets of Cairo, which nobody can deny as being anything less than a victorious ousting of one of the strongest regimes in the Middle East, was accomplished non-violently, and that others are attempting to follow their lead is more than simply impressive. It comes as close to resembling a 21st century miracle as anything we have seen – at least in my life-time.

Yet, as stated in an Israeli newspaper by Meron Rapoport; “Nobody knows where this triumph will take Egypt.” He rightly questions: “Will a military regime arise? Will an Islamic government take shape? Or Egypt’s own sort of democracy? Or mere anarchy?”

We are all left hoping for the best and wondering ~ wondering about the millions of people in Egypt, Tunisia, Yemen, Libya and Bahrain who are continuing to demonstrate the overwhelming human need for freedom.

I assume that many of you feel as I do. I can’t, in fact, imagine any American not wishing to live in a world where all people live peacefully within their own country and with neighboring countries. Yet, the reality of what has occurred after revolutions throughout history is less than encouraging.

In reading *Waller. R. Newell’s overview of what has happened after every revolution, he points to significant parallels. And although those who are tumbling their governments in 2011 are the first who have been able to reach the world and be reached in turn thanks to the internet and cell phones, we cannot yet know what the outcomes will be.

Newell traces the “reformist phase” of revolutions since the French Revolution and concludes that “focusing on individual rights and opportunity is swept aside by radicals who want an egalitarian and collectivist order.” He cites “liberal reformers such as Lafayette and Mirabeau who were inspired by the American Revolution with its emphasis on individual liberty” but were then followed by Marat and Robespierre. In the same manner,” he continues, “ Kerensky was followed by Lenin; BeniSadr by Khomeini.”

I think the strongest and most depressing part of his argument is that he refers to the truly revolutionary phase as being “preceded by the delusion of the part of the reformers that they can form a partnership with the radicals, harnessing their populist energy to help bring about the transition to free elections, economic modernization, and individual rights.”

“The radicals, for their part,” he concludes, “always look on these alliances as purely tactical, to be overturned when the time is right to take over." And, he continues, "We can predict a similar outcome for Mohammad El Baradei's and other reformers' opening to the Muslim Brotherhood’s leaders.”

His final prediction is that "within a few months of a transitional reformist regime taking over, headed by a coalition of largely secular reformists, we will see enormous demonstrations in the streets by followers of the Muslim Brotherhood, far better organized and militant than the ones that drove out Mubarak, a sea of banners shouting for the destruction of Israel and the expulsion of all American and western influence. Let's make good and certain we know what we're wishing for in Egypt. Authoritarian regimes can transition to liberal democracy, but it's an infinitely complex and potentially dangerous process."

Just when I was fighting with myself not to think that this all too familiar pattern will be repeated, I opened today’s Times to see an article – almost hidden from view – appearing in the middle of the paper in a small, easy to miss box. Its heading: Message to Egypt from Quaeda’s No 2. Its message: “Al Qaeda’s Egyptian-born second in command, Ayman al-Zawahri, attacked secular rule in Egypt in an audio lecture released Friday, but the message appeared to have been recorded before President Hosni Mubarak stepped down last week. Experts on the terrorist network have been eager to hear its reaction to the nonreligious demonstrations that led to the ouster of presidents in Tunisia and Egypt. But Mr. Zawahri’s lecture, though titled : ‘A Message of Hope and Glad Tidings to Our People in Egypt,’ referred to Mr. Mubarak as 'the biggest Arab Zionist' and to his son Gamal as ‘the awaited leader,’ suggesting that it was recorded before Mr. Mubarak’s resignation on Feb. 11."

So, here we go again. A so-called message of HOPE which carries with it hatred for non-fundamentalist secular democracies.

Will the courageous people who are risking their lives to be free find lasting support? What will the leaders of the free world do? What will America do? What can our leaders do to help insure that it will happen? Yes, they want all people to enjoy freedom from fear and oppression? And, yes, we do not know what is going on behind the scenes in the arena of diplomatic relations. It seems, though, that they are all waffling for now.

However, these are complex times with no easy solutions. And, while we are still able to see and hear many of the brave people who are protesting in the streets, we cannot yet know if they will be victorious. We can only hope that they will ... and, in the words of Waller R. Newell, "let's make good and certain we know what we're wishing for in Egypt" and elsewhere.

However, without faith that good things do sometimes happen to good people, we are left bereft. We can hope, though, that change is possible and that there will be no horrendous cost for those fighting for their inalienable rights and that it will be possible for them to move beyond the experiences of oppression.

*Waller R. Newall is a professor of political science and philosophy, the author of several books, commentaries and monographs too numerous to mention and among other leading thinkers in today’s world, he was Moderator for “The Clash of Civilizations” conducted at Harvard University.

Yours,
Linda
Visit my website @ www.applemanshapiro.com to learn more about my psychotherapy practice, my work as an oral historian, and my book, which may be purchased directly from the site with no fee for shipping.

DENIAL, ADDICTIONS, AND THE CONSEQUENCES OF HOLIDAY BLUES!

2011-02-13T08:59:00.046-05:00

When any of us is “in denial” – the psychological state where we (unconsciously) use a defense mechanism to

reduce anxiety - we're actually denying the existence of thoughts and feelings that are (consciously)unacceptably painful.

For children, it’s one of the best defenses to help survive trauma, to see only the parts of their life that resonate with what they wish to see and can tolerate seeing. I know that was true for me and I know it to be true for the majority of my patients.

However, when we pass through childhood and enter adolescence and adulthood, denial no longer serves us in the same ways. Instead of protecting us, ultimately it does just the opposite.

An obvious example is a person who experiences physical symptoms that are clearly indicative of a disease, but the fear to confront what may be happening causes a delay in consulting a physician. The person's mind conveniently blocks the awareness of whatever symptoms are being experienced because the fear of discovering the truth is too overwhelming. Instead, an unconscious decision is made to defend against such fear by blocking (denying) the awareness of any and all symptoms.

If you’re wondering why I’m writing about DENIAL on the day before VALENTINE'S DAY, it’s because as with any holiday, those who are alone or feeling vulnerable – no matter what the reason – will give themselves permission to self-medicate, to eat comfort foods, to do almost anything that will allow them to pretend that the holiday that others may be enjoying isn’t really important to them. In convincing themselves that they don’t care, they then block whatever real feelings they are experiencing and rationalize that whatever they choose to do (which is not, in fact, healthy or helpful) is right for them to do.

First they deny. Then they rationalize. And the combination of the two often leads to greater despair and loneliness than what they felt when they were merely feeling sad or lonely.

With a sub-specialty in addiction, I have found that patients suffering from alcoholism or other addictions often relapse at such times. So, while their initial instinct may be to help themselves to feel less alone, less sad at holiday times, in wishing to reduce the anxiety of the thoughts that seem to be increasing such feelings, they turn to their untrustworthy friend – the bottle of alcohol, the quick hit, you name it – and the spiral downward begins.

Yet, relapse is far more debilitating and humiliating than whatever caused them to feel sorry for themselves. In turning to their drug of choice, they create instead the illusion of happiness for a moment in time, a moment that destroys all their many moments of healthy sobriety.

Society compounds their problem by feeding their cravings through advertising weeks in advance for the love that will be sent via chocolates, flowers, and jewels. And for anyone who knows that is not going to be what he or she will receive, feelings of depression set in and fester. Self-esteem diminishes and in its place comes the enemy of an empty feeling which needs to be filled.

There are no quick fixes, though, and there is great pain that comes with relapsing.

Our challenge as a society is to connect with family members, friends and co-workers who we know will be alone at various holidays – not just Valentine’s Day – to help them to feel less alone, to protect them from themselves and their feelings of loneliness. Whatever it takes to be a community, to make others feel that they, too, belong, will lessen the need to remain unconscious, disconnected, and so “needy” that they will suffer the consequences of denial.

Not everyone has a lover! Not everyone needs to celebrate Valentine’s Day. But, everyone needs to feel loved ~ and I believe we owe it to one another to extend ourselves – in whatever ways we feel comfortable – to those whom we know would appreciate our attention tomorrow.

We can’t deny that it will be Valentine’s Day, but we also can’t afford to deny that what it represents to most people deserves to be shared and acknowledged.

So, here’s to a day of feeling loved, of offering love, and avoiding the dangers of denial.

Yours,

♥ Linda

Visit my website at http://www.applemanshapiro.com to learn more about my private psychotherapy practice, my work as an oral historian, my availability as a speaker advocating for mental health, and my memoir FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS, which may be purchased directly from the website with no fee for shipping.

THE VIRTUE OF BEING PRODUCTIVE AT ANY AGE!

2011-02-06T01:51:00.012-05:00

“No person will have occasion to complain of the want of time who never loses any. It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing.”
Thomas Jefferson

                                                       Why be couch potatoes?

In joining a new Linkedin.com group,Thirsty Fish: Marketing for Right-Brained, Creative Healers and Mental Health Professionals, many thoughts crossed my mind when the question of how best to market oneself was raised.

When I first started my practice as a psychotherapist more than 25 years ago, I did much to market myself: handing my card to every medical doctor I knew (and just about every person I knew), sending out beautifully designed and informative brochures describing my training and my goals, and talking to any group that welcomed me to speak to its members. Even as a mother with young children, I mustered the energy to make myself visible, to “put myself out there” in the days before
e-mails, Facebook or Linkedin existed.

So, as I continued to read Thirsty Fish, I began to ask myself, "so, what now?

During the years when I was completing my memoir, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS, there came a time when I had to take on fewer patients so that I would have more hours to complete the book and ready it for publication. Since then, I started writing this weekly blog, which will – I’m delighted to say – be published in book form later in 2011. But, now, I feel the urge to increase my practice and continue to use the skills I’ve developed.

I'd be less than honest if I didn't refer to my patients as high functioning, garden variety neurotics (like myself) who offer me challenging and rewarding days. I do, in fact, love my work and throughout the years my patients have encouraged me to promote myself as a LIFE COACH, since I often help them to write out or act out conversations with colleagues, bosses, family members, lovers, significant others ... and the list goes on. When the scripts we create then bear fruit and my patients receive their desired outcome, we share celebratory moments.

Therefore, as I continued to read about how one can best market oneself, I realized that though most of the people reading what I was reading were probably newcomers to the field, it didn’t really matter as I have no intention of retiring.

It is true that I am approaching an age that (when I was a child)I used to think represented only old ladies who were stooped over, walked with canes and were certainly not sharp enough to work and/or be productive members of society. But, times have changed. I have changed, and I hope I have grown and evolved.  For me, remaining productive is a priority, as is a life in which time and talent are used wisely.

We have, after all, a limited number of years to become who we are and once we feel we know who we are that doesn’t mean we stop learning or doing. In fact, that's when it's all the more reason to allow our skills and talents to be manifest.

That being said, I welcome words of wisdom from all who are reading this blog for ways to increase my practice as opposed to settling in comfortably and not spreading my wings? Even now. Even as I’m approaching my 8th decade, the need to continue to give of myself is more than merely altruistic. It feeds my soul and offers me more energy, not less.

After all, I want my grandkids to say, my grandma couldn’t come to be with us today because she’s working; but, whenever we do see her, we have so much fun!

In addition to visiting my website @www.applemanshapiro.com, I look forward to reading your responses and suggestions.

Gratefully,
Linda

LET’S TEACH OLD DOGS NEW TRICKS!

2011-01-30T01:12:00.008-05:00

WHAT CESAR MILLAN, NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC’S TV’s “DOG WHISPERER,” CAN TEACH WORLD LEADERS ABOUT THE PACKS THAT FOLLOW THEM and THOSE THAT THEY FOLLOW!

We never had pets in our FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS (unless you count the one gold fish I had that died 2 weeks after being purchased). My friends didn’t have pets. either. Our families were poor. Our apartments were small. Our parents – all, mostly immigrants – felt proud when they could feed and clothe their children, and no one seemed to entertain the notion of caring for animals as pets.

Fast forward: I married a man who was allergic to cats and most dogs. So, we never had any pets in our home. However, he has always had a passion for nature and animals and when I have time to watch television, I am much more apt to turn to a news station and he’s always seeking programs about nature and animals.

Hence, my lead into this blog!

A few weeks ago when I found my husband watching National Geographic’s channel and got caught up in an episode where Cesar Millan, the DOG WHISPERER, was training a woman how to tame her dog, it was clear that she was seeking his help because she believed that her dog was very anxious, unpredictable and often had temper tantrums that were alarming.

One didn’t have to be a rocket scientist to see at first glance why this man is called the Dr. Phil for dogs!

Millan's on-line site states that: “Cesars’s amazing rehabilitations of aggressive, scared, lazy, compulsive, and jealous dogs captured the national spotlight when the series premiered in 2004" ... and it became evident that “it wasn’t the dogs but the quirky owners who needed Cesar’s help the most.” Also, for those dogs who were abused or abandoned, he founded the Millan Foundation to “support the rescue, rehabilitation, and re-homing ” of such animals.

In the years since, the program has expanded to a full hour and for good reason. Millan is adept at transforming the most un-useful behaviors with “his calm-assertive guidance.”

That very sentence sums up my immediate connection to the man, his manner and his motivation, because his goals are exactly those of any good psychotherapist. How he meets his goals and educates both dogs and humans is quite remarkable.

I found myself intrigued with this particular episode. The dog’s loving owner was anxious about taking him out in public for fear that he would act out or even harm someone. Therefore, she resisted the dog’s socialization. Her anticipatory anxiety was clearly picked up by her dog and inevitably on the few chance excursions she forced herself to take, he became the label she ascribed to him. He paralleled her anxiety, became anxious, acting aggressively towards people and other animals.

Seeing this was all too reminiscent of the young parents with whom I work – loving parents – whose anxieties are mirrored in their children, resulting in familial patterns which don’t serve anyone and are difficult to break.

Well, irony of ironies! That’s exactly what Millan does:

He addresses unwanted behaviors as soon as they start and offers practical tips for dealing with common misbehaviors. He focuses on issues that are exactly those that need to be addressed when doing family therapy.

Behaviors parallel each other.

Whining, yelling, and demanding are equivalent to a dog’s NUISANCE BARKING.

Understanding Aggression and its purpose, and dealing with Separation Anxiety, Hyperactivity and Compulsive Chewing in dogs is no different than understanding similar behaviors in people.

When Millan, as the “DOG WHISPERER,” helps an out of control dog to control himself and
turn himself into a loving and adored friend and protector, he teaches us a great deal not only about dogs but about ourselves.

When he was interviewed by Lesley Stahl in a CBS segment (airdate: October 3, 2010), “he respectfully showed how even presidents can misunderstand the fundamentals of being their dog’s pack leader. The topic hit websites and blogs with fervor. So, we are tackling the subject and giving President Obama, former President Bush, future presidents, and dog owners everywhere, some of Cesar’s best advice."
Cesar’s blog continues:

You need to establish leadership from day one!

Be consistent. Don't send the dog (or in the case of a world leader, your constituents)a mixed message. If you allow the dog to assume the leadership position one day, and not the next, then go back and forth, you are not being the pack leader. No one wants a “wishy-washy” leader!

Humans are the only species that follow unstable pack leaders. Not only do we follow them but even after they’ve proven to be unstable, we still follow them or re-elect them or give them even more power. You would never see an unstable leader in an animal pack!

The selection process for Pack Leaders is very different in animal species than human. Humans tend to choose pack leaders because they are “lovable,” or seem intelligent or charismatic; basically we choose them for their personality – someone we’d like to spend time with socially, rather than for their professional qualifications or ability. Animals select pack leaders because they instinctually know who is strong and who can best lead them. It has nothing to do with personality or physicality. Just watch some animal kingdom shows and you’ll see there are some pretty strange-looking pack leaders out there! But they provide (1) protection and (2) direction!

An animal pack leader is concerned for the pack, not for himself. It’s an unselfish role and an instinctual role. Dog pack leaders don’t go to graduate school to learn how to lead a pack; it’s just in their DNA. In return, the pack completely trusts the pack leader. They instinctually know that the pack leader is there to protect them and guide them.

The leader’s interest of his country is greater than the interests of an individual. Thus, you need to ask yourself what you can contribute to your pack.

Compare this to what I see in many of today’s human pack leaders. We believe, and now almost accept the fact, that our pack leaders are motivated, in part, by personal interests. Sometimes the leader's self- interests happen to align well with some members of their pack but not all members. In America, we say that’s good. We’ve come to accept this as “normal.” And because we accept it, we are naturally or instinctually mistrustful of our pack leaders. So, while dog pack leaders are instinctually driven to protection and direction of the entire pack, human pack leaders are expected to be driven by some self-interest that may align with other self-interests to form a temporary pack or what we call a 'coalition' or 'alliance' or 'joint venture.' But these are temporary packs!

Also, with human packs, mistakes of the past are constantly brought up, reminding people of what happened the last time they elected that party or politician. 'Leaders' want us to remember the bad times and promise a better future! It’s never about the present. The past never goes away – we remember the hurt, the guilt, the fear – and our pack leaders use this to lead and control the pack. A fearful pack is a reactionary pack. And that’s dangerous for any species. Likewise, our pack leaders use the future in a similar fashion. Only it’s fear of the unknown. In the animal world, there is only the present. You live in harmony and with nature NOW and the future takes care of itself. Make the right choices today and there won’t be mistakes or messes to fix in the future.

America must restore honesty, integrity, and loyalty in our relationships, both here and abroad. This starts at home. We need to re-connect with the fundamentals of relationships, and in the process, we can restore the trust and respect from other countries...The power of success is in its simplicity. It’s just like being a father. The principles I want to leave my kids with are the same principles that I practice in my life every day. One of my favorite Ghandi quotes – “The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated” – says it all.”

I do not believe it says it all, but the statement and the theory says a great deal.

Let’s us hope that our Presidents and our leaders as well as leaders around the world today use simple wisdom and not complex theatrics which are doomed to destroy and not to build healthy packs!

After all, to have any hope, we must believe that it is never too late to learn how to change, to grow and become more adaptable, and Millan offers us that opportunity to learn new tricks.

Check out your local TV station and you’ll be able to watch him on your National Geographic channel. If you haven’t already done so, please do ... and grow old along with me!

Yours,
Linda
Visit my website at http://www.applemanshapiro.com/ to learn more about my psychotherapy practice, my work as an oral historian, my book FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS: A Psychotherapists Journey Into and Beyond Her Mother's Mental Illness, which can be ordered directly from the website with no fee for mailing ... and , as an advocate for mental health, my availability to speak at various venues.

THE SHORT-SIGHTEDNESS IN CUTTING HEALTH CARE BENEFITS!

2011-01-23T09:14:00.013-05:00

It's no secret to anyone that our economy is suffering terribly and budget cuts are inevitable and necessary. Yet, when we slash health care availability for all those suffering from physical and mental illnesses, we lose the right to call ourselves anything but short-sighted and inhumane.

It's especially difficult to understand why even those who are themselves victims of having family members in desperate need of assistance and who have the power to change budgets do not exert their power to effect such change.  How does Governor Jan Brewer of Arizona, a long time proponent of mental health services, justify her position in contributing to "dismantling the safety net for the mentally ill" in light of the fact that her son is schizophrenic and was committed to a state hospital over twenty years ago?

As reported by Marc Lacey, Kevin Sack, and A.G. Sulzberger and written by Mr. Lacy in yesterday's N.Y. Times, those who understand the mental health system best understand the full impact of how the shrinking of services will not only throw fragile lives into total chaos, but will be directly responsible for an increase in the numbers and intensity of the diseases that will surface and effect us all.

With an increase in homelessness and little or no medication or treatment available to those in need, there will be an increase in self-medication (otherwise known as alcoholism and other drug addictions) – all of which will add to the numbers of senseless crimes affecting not one person, one family, or one community but all of us.

Ironically, Arizona - until last year - was one of the states with the best benefits for mental health treatment until there, too, the services and programs began to shrink. Not only have there been cuts in counseling, case management, voluntary hospitalization, medications and other mental health services, but Governor Brewer is now - along with governors on both sides of the political aisle - proposing cuts in eligibility for Medicaid, the largest insurer for mental health services.

So, where does that leave us when even a governor seems powerless to help restore a broken health system? After all, she is in the position to influence decisions regarding the allocation of all funding and even she - a mother of a son who has undoubtedly forced her to experience the darkest side of his disease as well as of that of the entire mental health system - seems unable to influence change.   If not from somone like her, then from where and from whom might we expect help?

Clearly, even the recent horror occurring in Governor Brewer's state of Arizona merely delayed the announcement of her budget cuts. The killing of eight innocent bystanders, the injuring of thirteen and the placing of Representative Gabrielle Giffords in a fight for her life changed no laws, offered no new protection.

What is perhaps most disturbing is that we now know that Loughner - the man who committed this horrible crime - displayed many red flags (as I wrote about in last week's blog) prior to carrying out his senseless acts of destruction. Yes, many took note along the way, but no one took action, which may have prevented the tragedy from ever occurring.   He was only able to go on his killing rampage because he wasn't on anyone's radar. His ability to purchase a gun compounded by the fact that his whereabouts weren't being tracked, left the danger he posed essentially unattended.

As Lacey further reports, the governors in Washington, Kansas, Mississippi, and Iowa (to name but a few) have each eliminated millions from spending for group homes, subsidized medications, case management, halfway houses, and crisis intervention. He writes that "in Arizona, where the governor delayed announcing her budget to mourn the victims of the Tuscon shooting, Ms. Brewer went on to help close a $1 billion budget hole by seeking federal approval to significantly scale back the state's Medicaid program. To reduce the blow on 5,200 mentally ill people who would lose their health coverage, she proposed spending $10 million to keep vulnerable people on medication." Yet, who will decide who is the most vulnerable, the most at risk? And what will be the consequences when considering the potential human toll in every state of our democracy?

Along with many others these days, I believe that our broken economy and broken health system are prioritized in ways that make it impossible to raise the bar, to protect those who are ill as well as those whom they may target and victimize.

While we all attempt to be hopeful and find reason to believe that health care benefits will improve and change, I'm left doubting whether change is possible given the current climate, the known deficits and the subsequent decisions that protect only the wealthiest of our citizens and leave the great majority out in the cold.

I look forward to the time when our proverbial house is in order and we commit ourselves to saving the lives of those among us who are suffering and, in so doing, reduce the suffering of all.

Yours,
Linda
*Visit my website at http://www.applemanshapiro.com/ to learn more about my private practice, my work as an oral historian and my book, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS, which can be ordered directly from the site with no charge for mailing.

2011-01-16T10:28:00.014-05:00

HOW MANY RED FLAGS MUST WE SEE

TO PREVENT IMMINENT CATASTROPHE?

After Jared Lee Loughner went on a shooting rampage, killing 6 people, injuring others, and leaving Representative Gabrielle Gifford struggling to survive, we have a community and nation in shock yet once again. Another seemingly senseless and perhaps avoidable tragedy has occurred.

There are political pundits who wish who make this week’s tragic incident in Tucson, Arizona into another reason for stricter gun control laws. But gun control is not the major problem!  The compelling and tragic picture of our nation’s mental health system continues to fail proper scrutiny.

Loughner’s violent actions should not lead to a debate over gun laws, for as the National Rifle Association points out, “guns don’t kill people, people do.” However, even though I am not in favor of private citizens having guns, when taken literally, they are right. As one journalist pointed out, "THE REAL SALUTION TO PREVENTING ATTACKS BY INDIVIDUALS IS TO REDUCE THE NUMBER OF DISTURBED INDIVIDUALS."   A gun in a "disturbed" person's hand IS a clear recipe for disaster.
Despite whatever set-backs and losses the current economy has caused, no loss can be greater than that of innocent human lives and the inattention to the care of the mentally ill among us whose behavior over time has displayed many red flags. Despite the significant advances in treatments available for many mental and physical diseases, there is still a stigma that exists with regard to mental illness. In many families, there is still shame, and that shame perpetuates inaction and keeping that member of the family out of sight and, therefore, not even eligible to receive help. Then, there is denial even when what a family sees and hears from one of its members is bizarre and, at worst, potentially dangerous to himself and others. Beyond that, the major problem that remains is that even when illness is recognized and not denied, and when behavors are seen as being abherent and in need of help, we can't always provide the care, the facilities or the possibility for treatment and healing for all those who are suffering.

Dr. Keith Ablow, a forensic psychiatrist who has run community mental health centers, hospitals, and clinics, states: “I can tell you for sure, without any question, that the mental health care delivery system in this country is shoddy and shattered and without any hope at present of dealing effectively with sick individuals like Jared Lee Loughner, there are slim resources and no strategy whatsoever. That’s the very worrisome story behind this tragedy.”

In Newsweek’s article on “OUR BROKEN MENTAL-HEALTH SYSTEM, one sentence stands out: “Thousands of anguished parents face a system that thwarts them at every turn.”

With regard to Loughner, we are reminded that there are countless unanswered questions about why he went on his rampage. However, what is clear is that: “Across America are thousands of parents of older adolescents and young adults who are terrified that their child’s strange behavior, paranoid rants, drinking, drug abuse, conspiracy fantasies, and other red flags of mental illness will lead to violence - possibly against a public figure like Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, possibly against a family member. That most of these parents have no idea what to do is frightening enough. It’s a national scandal that, even if they succeed in getting their child mental-health care before tragedy strikes" ... it's not in time to set the system in motion so that it will provide the best care needed for as many years as it is needed.   In short, the system presents a myriad of obstacles.

Michael Fitzpatrick, executive director of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is quoted as stating: “The mental health care system in America is a broken system. The system was already in crisis, and has become even less accessible over the last three years as state budgets for mental health – psychiatric beds [in hospitals], counseling, and other services – have been cut by $2 billion.” NAMI’s Katrina Gay adds, “In many cases you can’t even get an evaluation for two or three months – and that’s assuming you know how to get one in the first place."

Regarding Loughner, the obvious question is whether or not he could have been forcibly locked up before he committed his crimes. Yet, according to forensic psychiatrists, the answer is “not easily.” But, surely, there were enough red flags leading several people to believe that he was a possible threat to himself and others.

Furthermore, this occurred in Arizona where, ironically, it is easier to commit a mentally ill person. Newsweek reports that the experts they consulted said they were highly skeptical he would have qualified. “Bizarre behavior isn’t enough.” The overall conclusion seemed to be that despite “hindsight bias that leads acquaintances to recall all sorts of warning signs...there’s only a fraction of the behavioral information that will come out...and it’s unlikely that even in Arizona it’s unlikely that courts would have committed him.”

Worse still, given the mental-health care in the country, “it’s unlikely that he would have stayed behind locked doors for long. Typically, hospitals and other facilities stabilize a patient, give him medications, watch him for a couple of days and, if he seems functional and non-delusional, send him on his way.”

In a personal plea, one of the most compelling articles I read during these past few days was submitted to Linkedin.com by Ed Kirby of Nashua, New Hampshire. With a family member suffering from mental illness, Kirby’s sympathetic and intelligent request gets to the heart of the matter better than most, and we feel it in the very title of his article: LET US COME TOGETHER TO TREAT MENTAL ILLNESS.

Though I recommend reading his entire post, I will leave you with what he (and I) believe to be most important: “When warning signs of brain disorders do not produce the proper responses from medical providers, symptoms can escalate to bizarre acts of desperation such as suicide or even on rare occasions homicide. Emergency rooms and prisons provide temporary lock up at further high cost to society... The question should not be: What police interventions have occurred,” but rather, “What mental health interventions have been made available to him and his family?”

Contrary to modern scientific advances and the progress in understanding the origins of some diseases, attitudes toward the mentally ill still remain fraught with misunderstanding, shame, denial, and a deep-seated unwillingness to get those who happen to be victims of their mental wiring to receive the help they deserve and to become integrated members of society. Sheepishly, we as a nation, place our priorities elsewhere.

To quote Kirby further: “Those afflicted with brain disorders do not choose to “lose their minds.” Society, families, and individuals - victims on both sides of this equation - can be spared by the existence of, and the unencumbered access to, quality mental health care.

“We must all come together, seek knowledge of the disease, provide funding and support programs so that those in need will receive treatment ...”

I would add that we must all come together to help prevent such heart-breaking tragedies as the one in Tucson and others that have preceded it.

For after all that has been revealed thus far about Loughner, the red flags were there for anyone to see.   Bizarre behavior was exhibited in his classes. Fellow students voiced fear that he would bring a gun to school.  And going on anti-government rants about United States currency was also known about him within his community. Yet, rather than remanding evaluation and treatment, he was simply expelled from his Community College. Merely recommending help fell short of a remedy, just as not being accepted by the military accomplished nothing positive.

His behavior, his words – bizarre as they may have been – were not enough for anyone to take the sort of action that would have protected him from himself and others. Removing him was simply easier.

However, what is easier did not and will not provide a healthier and safer nation. We must have the ability to identify and offer proper treatment for those among us who are mentally ill. Such actions will better define who we are as a people, our priorities, what we value, and our pledge to remain a civilized nation.

I don't think we can afford to look at this tragedy without devoting ourselves to a fight for anything but what it is: THE NEED TO PRIORITIZE THE PROTECTION OF THE MENTALLY ILL SO THAT THEY WILL NOT HARM OR KILL THEMSELVES OR, WORSE YET, HARM OR KILL OTHERS. AT BEST, THEY WILL BE HELPED TO BECOME HEALTHIER AND MORE INTEGRATED MEMBERS OF SOCIETY, AND WE, AS A PEOPLE, WILL BE ABLE TO TAKE PRIDE IN SUCH AN ACHIEVEMENT.

Do share your thoughts with me on this subject.

Yours,
Linda
*Visit my website at www.applemanshapiro.com to learn more about my psychotherapy practice, my work as an oral historian and my book, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS, which may be ordered directly from the site with no cost for shipping.

2011-01-09T10:24:00.016-05:00

RESILIENCE

Just as contradictory studies about what treatments are best for particular diseases, what foods one should and shouldn’t eat to be healthy or which factors in one’s emotional make-up are hereditary and which are not – such studies seem to appear faster than we’re able to agree or disagree with their findings. So, too, an article in this week’s New York Times offers a new twist to an old supposition regarding the theory of RESILIENCY. Now, we’re being told that PAST ADVERSITY PROVIDES A MAP that leads to becoming resilient.

I have to admit to having a basic bias and will, therefore, accept the fact that some of you will disagree with me.

Having suffered in silence throughout my early years (which places me in the category of those who have experienced past adversities), I am not of the opinion that the pain and confusion caused by my mother’s mental illness made me in any way a stronger person, better able to handle adversity than others whose childhoods were not traumatic or, at best, far less dramatic.

I do believe that we come into this world with a core personality and, given the environment in which we then live, the features of our character can be enhanced or impaired. I cannot go as far, though, as to conclude as this article does by saying that “the number of life blows a person has taken may affect his or her mental toughness more than any other factor ... and that frequency makes a difference.”

According to Roxanne Cohen Silver, a psychologist at the University of California, Irvine, “Each negative event a person faces leads to an attempt to cope, which forces people to learn about their own capabilities, about their own support networks – to learn who their real friends are. That kind of learning, we think, is extremely valuable for subsequent coping ..."

I disagree because it assumes that people are able to cope as best they can when faced with negative experiences varying from the loss of a parent, child or mate to the loss of a job and income, to the diagnosis of a life-threatening illness. The truth -as I’ve known it to be in my psychotherapy practice as well as in my life - is that people who have had one too many punches often lose their desire or ability to cope at all. Having been knocked down in the first or second round, they do not have the resources to draw upon that someone who hasn’t even entered the ring.

My belief – cynical as it may sound – is that studies will continue to prove or disprove whatever theory the scientist’s bias going into the study may be.

Just as this article concludes that “mental toughness is something like physical strength ... which cannot develop without exercise,” I believe that everyone is challenged throughout life in a myriad of ways. Yet, how we meet each challenge has more to do with the particular circumstance we’re experiencing at the time of each challenge. In short, if we’re in good physical health, it’s easier to pursue finding work in a bad economy. If we’ve lost a spouse at a time when we happen to live in an isolated area and do not have the support we once had, the loss will be that much greater to overcome.

In the end, I believe that it is possible for people who are born to adversity to succeed far beyond what their environment would cause us to think likely. Somehow, their internal wiring allows them to do so, while others remain totally disabled.

A good start in life – one that others may even call a “blessed” start can certainly be a contributing factor, but it is not a determining one. Repeated hardships are not the prerequisites for resiliency just as wealth and fame do not protect one from disease or lives that are unsuccessful.

Often, what is more of a determinant is having a mentor, a teacher, friend, religious leader, therapist or relative – a role model who instills trust, offers hope and shows us another reality that adversity alone can't offer. That gift is as much, if not more of a determining factor as any which the most recent study suggests.

In short, it’s not a workout with adversity as a personal trainer that we need in order to be resilient but fewer challenges that cause us to feel defeated. And when we are faced with defeat, we will rise to the occasion only if and when we have the support of family and friends, and our will to survive (the very wiring with which we were born and which was enhanced or impaired) allows us to do so as best we can.

Please do share your thoughts here on this site, if you disagree.

Yours,
Linda

2011-01-02T00:09:00.040-05:00

ELIMINATING CHAOS: A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION!

In her New Year’s Eve blog, BEYOND BLUE, Therese Borchard wrote about the importance of becoming better organized in order to accomplish all that she wishes to accomplish. Wanting to enjoy the PRESENT and not finding herself ruminating about the past nor focusing only on resolutions for the future, her single most important goal now is to develop the ability to organize her days with greater skill.

“Next year,” she wrote, “I am going to try my best to be as organized as I can so that all the stuff around me, reminding me of uncompleted tasks, to-dos, and unresolved issues won't be interrupting my thinking process as I try to tackle the activity in front of me.”

Since so many people are struggling economically and emotionally these days, they often find themselves feeling overwhelmed by everyday tasks and family responsibilities. In doing so, they lose sight of the meaning and pleasure of being in the NOW and have no time to find ways to reduce their levels of stress.

With that in mind, Borchard also makes reference to Russell Bishop’s recently published book, Workarounds That Work: How to Conquer Anything that Stands in Your Way at Work. She states that "it is helpful in categorizing, sorting, and maneuvering your life in such a way that you spend fewer moments overwhelmed” and concludes that "Bishop's compilation of wise and insightful advice is a map to navigate the complex terrain at work and is a manual for frustrating processes of life in general."

As so many of us find ourselves bogged down by the “stuff” of life – from shopping for necessities to taking care of possessions and all the “technological conveniences” of twenty-first century living (all of which tend to break-down at the most inconvenient moments), it's practically impossible to be productive when we are disorganized and feel at a loss for how to put our personal HUMPTY DUMPTY back together again.

The truth is that the clutter in our lives and the inability to figure out ways to be organized can cost us far more than time, energy and productivity. It can impact our health, reflecting directly on our inability to stay focused on projects and people that are most dear to us.

Therese no doubt hit upon something that I feel is necessary for me to do this year, as well. Being more organized WILL allow me to enjoy my days with greater ease and accomplish more in less time as I experience the pleasure of not being surrounded by things that I trip over or haven’t looked at in years but somehow haven’t been able to part with.

Likewise, I’ve never heard any of my patients say they feel good when they come home to rooms that are cluttered and disorganized. In fact, their sense of self is diminished when laundry is waiting to be done, dirty dishes need to be washed, and papers are strewn about with bills that need to be paid.

Such external disorder merely reminds them of the clutter in their head. General feelings of overwhelming incompetence do not then allow them to proceed creatively or confidently in the important areas of their lives.

Despite the fact that most of us share many of the same resolutions each year – to diet or not to diet, to change jobs or stay bored and frustrated in our present one, to get married or remain single, to stay married or get divorced, to give whatever we can afford to charity or to give, instead, to those whom we know to be in desperate need of help – we often sabotage ourselves and are left unable to satisfy the majority of our resolutions.

The aspects of life that none of us can afford to lose, however, are the love and company of family and friends and the ability to pay our bills without spending more than we have. Remembering too, that our bodies as well as our souls need care, we must eat healthily, sleep well, exercise, go for our yearly physicals, ask for help when we need it, and offer help to others who may need it from us.

All the rest are life’s luxuries – and while luxuries can most certainly be enjoyable, life’s necessities are the fuel with which we are able to keep our engines running, our hearts beating, our lives moving forward with dignity and grace.

Here’s to lives with less chaos, many friendships, much love, good health, and being as productive as we are able to be!

H A P P Y
N E W Y E A R
TO ONE AND ALL !

Yours,
Linda

2010-12-26T09:53:00.001-05:00

THE WONDERS AND WOES OF THE HOLIDAYS

Whether it is a religious or a national holiday, there is always something special in the air. An almost childlike and magical suspension of whatever the reality of the day may be. Adding to it all is the visual excitement stirred by the colorful lights in neighborhood apartments, homes, and stores, intensified by the media's blitzing to buy, buy, buy!

If only that wonder were not accompanied by the inevitable stress of holidays, each one would be as close to ideal a time as one could imagine. However, the truth that is born out by statistics and by my personal experiences as a psychotherapist is that there is always an extreme rise in anticipatory anxiety and depression due to the fear that it will be yet another year where something is bound to occur to ruin what should be a happy time.

Such worries are prevalent across all socio-economic groups and are as common among those fortunate enough to be surrounded by friends and family as they are by those who are alone and isolated.The fears are naturally different, but they are fears, nonetheless.

For children everywhere (except, of course, for the most deprived ones, gifts and food and the general hullabaloo are always exciting. Yet, for the rest of us, the reality is that no matter how much we hope that the right mix of people will be invited to whatever party we may be attending, there will probably be an aunt or uncle who will drink too much (embarrassing one and all), or a friend who might gossip about what no one needs to know. Sadder still is seeing the hosts so exhausted by the time the guests arrive that they do not even enjoy the festivities they’ve worked so hard to create.

Then, too, there’s the over-eating – stuffing oneself with a variety of culinary temptations and then paying the gastronomic price the day afterward. There’s also the gift that’s totally unappreciated and the needless competition and jealousy between siblings, the grandparents who want to please everyone and be loved by everyone (an absolute impossibility), and the promises we all make not to do the things this year that made us so unhappy last year.

If there’s any comfort in learning from the past, keeping everything as simple as possible is probably the safest solution. Anything in the extreme is hardly, if ever, successful. We each need to remain in our comfort zones and we must allow others to remain in theirs.

But since we do not live in a perfect world and none of us is perfect, what we can hope for is that we don’t revert to the people, places and things that cause us to walk the walk of despair but that we opt, instead, to be with those whom we love the most and trust the most, expressing that love to one another, especially at holiday times.

In this season of many holidays and with the New Year approaching, I wish everyone good health, joy, and the ability to express heart-felt gratitude to all who have added richness and meaning to your lives.

~Linda

2010-12-18T07:34:00.031-05:00

CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC
THE FILM AND A SHARED EXPERIENCE

Last week, in the comfort of my home, I had the great pleasure of watching the film CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC with a dear friend who is a recovering shopaholic.

I say “great pleasure” because I can’t remember when I last laughed so hard. The laughter began when Isla Fisher, the film’s star, searched frantically in her freezer for a credit card she had hidden in a container of water. The water, of course, had frozen, and she proceeded to chip away at it until she retrieved the credit card she meant to hide from herself. But, when she “simply needed” to have it to purchase (compulsively) something she felt was necessary to have, my friend’s identifying with the situation caused her to laugh uncontrollably. Her laughter, in turn, was so contagious that I laughed right along with her.

As with any addiction, the addict is controlled by a drug or behavior of choice. With shopping, the behavior of choice ranges from clothing and shoes to objects of all sorts, often never worn, price tags still on, but owned by the addict, functioning in some way to alleviate the anxiety of the moment.

As a psychotherapist whose sub-specialty is ADDICTIONS, I would never laugh at any addict. This time, though, was an exception. I was not laughing at but rather with a person reveling in her recovery.

One especially memorable and hilarious scene in the film showed Fisher (not yet, of course, abstinent), attending a Twelve-step meeting for shopaholics after shopping much the same way that an alcoholic attends a meeting after leaving a bar.

Having worked hard on her abstinence by not shopping and getting into debt, my friend had celebrated paying off her last credit card that very day. So, watching the film together was, therefore, all the more special. A true gift, in fact. The sort of gift where you can watch someone watch herself objectively, laugh at herself, and truly appreciate what her recovery has accomplished.

Although I’ve been addressing the subject of GIVING in my last few blogs, this holiday time is especially difficult for addicts. The stress often felt in families, in a marriage, or being alone can be a prescription for any addict’s relapse. The temptation to comfort oneself with one’s supposed “friend” – be it a bottle of alcohol or buying a new scarf - is the illusion that feeds the addiction. It is the false belief that whatever is felt to be necessary to feel happy will solve the problem of a particular day. Instead, it merely adds to the person’s negative sense of self and overall well-being.

So, in the spirit of this holiday season, I hope that we are all able to find ways to give to one another lovingly and thoughtfully, and that in the process we do not fall into traps, using old survival skills which only prove to be destructive and from which we may not then recover.

My wish for everyone is to enjoy the HOLIDAYS and to have a healthy, fun-filled, addiction-free NEW YEAR !

Yours,
Linda

2010-12-12T10:50:00.250-05:00

THE URGENCY OF "GIVING" IS NOT A GIVEN!

A COMMENTARY ON HBO'S

WARTORN 1861-2010

As a survivor of childhood trauma and as a psychotherapist, I am more than superficially aware of the devastating effects of Post Traumatic Shock Disorder – an often crippling anxiety from exposure to life threatening experiences ranging from witnessing or experiencing physical or sexual abuse; physical assault; accidents; drug addiction; chronic/debilitating illnesses; or as the title for this blog suggests, the psychic and physical wounds experienced by our young men and women returning home after their exposure to the horrors of war.

In watching the recent HBO documentary WARTORN 1860-2010, I became all too aware of how lacking the care is for the physical and mental wounds of our returning soldiers - even with all that we know in 2010.

In the days of the Civil War it was called "hysteria, melancholia, and insanity..." During World War I it was known as "shellshock." By World War II it became known as "combat fatigue" and today it is clinically known as "PTSD" (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Should it shock any of us that money is not being allocated – given our current economy - for those who need it most? Children with problems could be saved from self-medicating, from turning to drugs and worse, if they had the advantage of guidance counselors whose jobs have been cut from school budgets. Local mental health centers and hospitals are closing faster than we ever could have imagined and now our veterans who have fought for our safety at home, for the values of democracy we cherish, return to little or no treatment for their invisible but painfully debilitating psychic wounds.

From executive producer for HBO, actor James Gandolfini, and HBO’s documentarian Sheila Neven, we learn the following in their synopsis of WARTORN: “Sending men and women off to war has been a consistent way of derailing our national mental well-being over generations. In the name of winning our freedoms - to use the patriotic parlance - we get back a lot of messed-up people and then almost cruelly ignore their despair." In fact, when it comes to the shock of war and the residual madness it can cause, Wartorn dials all the way back to Homer's Odyssey for its opening note: "Must you carry the bloody horror of combat in your heart forever?"

Wartorn is certainly not the first to describe this cultural disconnect within the military and everyday life, but this project "hopes to chisel away at the chronic refusal to see PTSD as a wound that is as injurious as a shrapnel barrage, as it shows us that inadequate responses are deeply ingrained and, certainly since the Iraq war began, well-documented by reporters and veteran activists.”

The film profiles – as it set out to do - “a handful of American veterans, some of whom succumbed to PTSD and took their own lives - starting with a young Pennsylvanian named Angelo Crapsey who shot himself after a harrowing three years serving on the front lines of the Civil War, and concluding with an Iraq war vet who refuses his wife's pleas to delete from the living room PC his personal photos of the carnage he witnessed.” Then, too, seeing parents weep over the memory of their suicidal sons and hearing the words of veterans from WWII to our most current wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, I was left feeling both angry and helpless.

Others, such as a group of elderly World War II vets, are interviewed and seen navigating the tight wire that spans memory, trauma and fear, coping as best they can, given the deep scars of cold sweats, nightmares, and the inability to talk about all that they experienced with those closest and dearest to them.

Gandolfini also travels to Iraq to talk with military personnel and sufferers of PTSD and visits with some increasingly sympathetic brass: Gen. Ray Odierno, who commands the Allied Forces in Iraq, in particular. Throughout, Wartorn confronts history's euphemisms for the mentally injured veteran, including "melancholia," “nervous exhaustion,” and the cowardly sounding “combat fatigue.” As is also stated in the synopsis, “it builds to an elegant and quiet finish, following Army Sgt. 1st Class William Fraas Jr., who spent twenty-nine months in Iraq over three tours, on a routine family outing to an El Paso, Walmart which fills him with dread. Pushing (with clenched hands ) a cart down the grocery aisles, in a scene eerily reminiscent of the penultimate moments from last year's Oscar-winning The Hurt Locker, Fraas resorts to what he calls the 'swivel' - moving his head back and forth in constant vigilance for his demons. Though this dread has a medical name, that doesn't mean anyone can tell Fraas what to do now.” Breaking down during and after a tour of duty is still, as the producers insist, “an inconvenient emotion.”

The infamous story about Gen. George S. Patton is also depicted where he disparaged a "yellow SOB" he encountered in a military hospital and had the soldier immediately returned to the front lines. In all our ballyhoo for the "Greatest Generation," we still assume that most of those WWII guys returned A-OK; the spouses and children of the ones who had PTSD would, no doubt, disagree.

For those of us who have not been personally touched by a loved one’s returning from the battlefields of war, this is –though not the only documentary of its kind – one of the more disturbing and unsettling ones, especially as we view it at this holiday time, a time for GIVING.

My only consolation – if I can even call it that – is that when I further researched what the government was doing to help those suffering so upon their return, I learned that a facility was being built to treat those with TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and other psychological issues – all priorities in military medicine. Privately funded through THE FALLEN HEROES FUND, it is a state of the art facility dedicated to research, diagnosis and the treatment of military personnel and veterans who are suffering. It was opened officially in June 2010 and turned over to the Department of Defense. A great act of charity and humanity, in my opinion.

Now, if we could only expect similar funding to be provided – if not by the government then by any individuals and especially the billionaires in our midst – the restoration of hospitals, the re-hiring of mental health clinicians in schools and other facilities for our children and their parents, our society, in the end, will at least have a chance to regain its dignity and its power.

Here’s to GIVING back to all who have given to us and to all who need to be given to in the name of help, humanity and honor.

Yours,
Linda

2010-12-05T12:13:00.022-05:00

GIFT “GIVING”

A simple, elegant gift of the world in a box .........................

In this holiday season when parents, grandparents, relatives, and friends attempt to feed the fantasies of children who are expecting to receive gifts, many are doing so by over-spending, going into debt, and losing sight of the fact that if they are fortunate enough to share the holidays with loved ones, there is no shame in pulling back the purse strings and gifting the children and each other in the best possible way, with their support, their unconditional love, and, most importantly, with their presence (as opposed to presents).

I don’t think children are ever too young to be taught about what we value, and the best way to teach is by example: simple, easy to understand explanations, with no apologies.

Here’s where I believe less is more – less material giving that is. After all, isn’t the spirit of the holidays about being together and sharing the joy of the season? And giving a few choice gifts is often more meaningful, more memorable, and treasured all the more.

On the other hand, excessive “giving” teaches children to expect to be showered (no matter what the cost or financial sacrifice) with everything from expensive electric toys to anything those who are filling the season with an over abundance of commercial “specials” are promoting. The end result is, I believe, that the spiritual meaning of the holidays is lost with the focus on buying gifts as a way to show our love. Worse still, the expectation children have of receiving is not often followed with the need to teach the importance of giving.

What better way to help develop a child’s character than to share a meal, to sit and play games, to sing or dance or do whatever allows everyone to feel free, at ease, and happy to be with one another?

I wish that for all of you and hope that we are able to foster those values as we celebrate with our young children and adult children who will all be more than grateful for whatever they are given as long as it is given lovingly and thoughtfully.

Healthy, Happy Holidays to one and all!

Yours,
Linda

Linda
*
which can be ordered directly from the website. Visit my website at http://www.applemanshapiro.com to learn more about my private psychotherapy practice, my work as an oral historian and my book, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS,

... on MARRIAGE ... and THE ROYAL WEDDING

2010-11-28T01:01:00.014-05:00

Newscasters here and abroad are discussing plans for the Royal Wedding. Predictions for the success or failure of this 21st century marriage are inevitable. To a degree, however, they are also cruel in that many cannot resist comparing Kate to Prince William's mother, Diana. In so doing, many proclaim that she, too, will not be able survive the pressures she will face and therefore this marriage will fail just as did that of his parents.

One can’t help but note that while many in England are looking forward to the wedding as a time-out from the the country’s economic and political turmoil, others are only too happy to predict a complicated and unsuccessful union.

Such is human nature and such is the nature of the media which often creates stories, treating rumors as news, hinting at scandal where none exists in order to fill space on the written page or hours of endless chatter on television.

Given the number of couples I've counseled over the years, William and Kate have much in their favor. From where I sit, it appears that this will be a good marriage. I say this knowing the divorce statistics of marriages world-wide and knowing, as well, that certain factors seldom improve after a marriage if they are problematic beforehand.

With William and Kate, their lengthy courtship has given Kate time to know what William’s life is really about: his royal responsibilities and obligations, as well as his role within his family. That she seems to feel comfortable with the Royal family and has already attended many occasions with them but without William, due to his military obligations, speaks well for her ability to be independent and to “fit in” to a lifestyle most (even those from similar heritages) would find too daunting. And William – off-spring of a royal marriage and a royal scandal – has learned to be loyal to both his beloved, deceased mother and his father, as well.

He presents himself as having the capacity to be doting and mature, qualities necessary for a successful marriage and often missing in the children from dysfunctional families where parents enter into a divorce and children are caught between warring factions.

It seems not to be a coincidence either that he has taken his time before "proposing," given all that he had to have known about his parent’s brief courtship which, in retrospect, seemed doomed from the start.

He appears to have the wisdom and the insight to know that he does not want to repeat his father’s role model as husband. Clearly, he has given great thought to considering his family’s history and the price paid for mistakes made which hurt both parents and children.

Luckily for William, Kate is beautiful, stylish and seemingly well-intentioned. There’s no need for competition with William's memories of his mother in any of those areas. With grace and dignity, he has also voiced his faith in Kate’s ability to carve out her own successful destiny.

That she has an in-tact family that has – by his own admission - genuinely embraced him as their own, without the fanfare of public attention and adoration that has been his since birth, can be nothing short of refreshing. What bodes as well for them is the fact that he and Kate were schoolmates for years, that they shared similar intellectual proclivities and a coterie of like-minded friends.

Although most of us can’t truly imagine the stresses imposed upon those belonging to royal families who, in today’s world seem to live fairy tale existences when compared to anything we know as resembling reality – it’s all too easy to think that their wealth and power outweigh any problems they may have with the paparazzi, their lack of privacy and the need for safety for themselves and their loved ones. Yet, we do know in far too much detail the toll that the Palace’s power took on the naive and inexperienced Princess Di.

In counseling couples before they marry or when they are contemplating divorce, the most critical areas of discord are those which make one or both partners feel unloved or disrespected. When two people lead parallel lives and not lives in which values and areas of interest are shared, it is much more difficult to help them rekindle whatever passion may have existed in the very first months or years of their being together. The fact that Kate and William seem so well-suited – their similar interests and intellect, the time successfully spent in a variety of environments and situations – is yet another reason to feel hopeful about their future.

That Kate is neither as young as was Princess Di nor as naive or unloved by a prince who did not proclaim his adoration for her to the world as William did for Kate in a charming and endearing manner should be another hopeful sign.

Here’s to all young couples, future brides and grooms everywhere who have stars in their eyes and reason to believe that theirs will be a life worth sharing!
And here's to Prince William and his lovely Kate!

Yours,
Linda

*Visit my website http://www.applemanshapiro.com to learn more about my private psychotherapy practice, my work as an oral historian, and my book, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS, which can be purchased directly from the website.

A PSYCHOTHERAPIST'S REVIEW of TV'S "IN TREATMENT"

2010-11-21T19:59:00.019-05:00

The first time I opened my door to greet a patient (back in the early ‘80s) I was undoubtedly as nervous, if not more so, than my patient. I was convinced that I would be seen as an impostor, someone who hadn’t studied for years, done an internship and received praise for my work. I was sure the patient would be convinced from the moment I said "Hello" that he had come to the wrong address, that I was not the therapist he assumed he was coming to meet.

Now, nearly 3 decades later, I’m able to appreciate the humor as well as the drama of that day. I often wish that someone could have filmed it all then as well as every subsequent session I’ve had since. I would no doubt learn something from each session, appreciating those that made me proud of my work and regretting others that might leave me wishing I had responded differently to a patient, perhaps with deeper insight.

But I have no such footage, only the memories of significant sessions throughout the years.

What I also have now is what some brilliant screen writers and enormously talented actors have made available through HBO – not a documentary, but psychotherapy sessions following the same patients week after week being treated by the same therapist– in ways far more authentic and intelligently scripted than any of the sensation-seeking realty TV shows.

Adapted from a popular Israeli series which won several awards, the first 2 seasons (2008-2009) were translated from the original scripts and changed only to fit American demographics and nuances in language. This year – its third year on HBO – the scripts have been conceived by American writers, but the style is as dazzling and engaging as the ones that preceded it.

I can honestly say that as I sit at home watching the therapy sessions, I feel glued to my TV set, enthralled by the characters, and proud to be in a profession that is so well represented ... that is, perhaps, with the exception of the lead therapist, Dr. Paul Weston, played by the Irish actor, Gabriel Byrne. I may be in a minority of one where Byrne is concerned, since he has received a Golden Globe Award for his performance and everyone with whom I’ve spoken seems to adore him. But the character and the actor cause me a fair amount of grief. I see no reason to have cast an Irish actor in the role. I find that his brogue calls attention to how he speaks rather than to what he's saying and how he's relating to his patients. His overall manner, in fact, is one that is distracting, nervous, and disengaged.

By comparison, Amy Ryan, the actress who portrays his therapist. plays her role with a great deal of authenticity and authority. Always presently engaged, her eye contact alone is piercing and telling. Her insight is razor sharp and her boundaries are clear and respectful.

What is most admirable about her is what disturbs me the most about Byrne. The man’s boundaries are questionable with nearly every one of his patients; he is as neurotic , if not more so than some of them; and his nervous stuttering and general insecurity leave me wondering why his patients return to him for treatment. But then, patients are people in need of being heard, in need of being able to process their problems, and I suppose unless he is outrageously inappropriate – which this script seems to prevent – most patients don’t have the courage to question their own judgment and they, therefore, remain in treatment.

The actors playing the patients are, on the other hand, totally believable. One feels their pain, their struggle for a better life, and their hope that the therapist will provide the tools to get them to that better life.

As patients everywhere fantasize about the private lives of their therapists, "IN TREATMENT" offers a vicariously rewarding experience, exposing therapists to be exactly who they are – people who have similar struggles, anxiety and pain as do their patients - but people who, in the arena of the therapist's office, have developed skills that, with luck, help their patients move on and live more successful, less dysfunctional lives.

For those who have never been in therapy, I can only imagine that this program is a fascinating glimpse into the private moments between therapist and patient – moments that will, at best, lead those in need of treatment to seek it after watching this program. For professionals, such as myself, it’s time out for a good laugh, a good glimpse into one’s private mirror of evaluation and an opportunity to see where and how one has succeeded in being an instrument for positive growth in another person’s life and, in some instances, how one can learn to be a better conduit for change.

In any event, I highly recommend this program as a way to enrich one’s understanding of the complex nature of the human spirit and the dysfunction that too often exists within all relationships.

More than most programs, it shows us that when people seek to be healthier and more productive, trained professionals can help them to improve the quality of their lives.

For those of you who watch "IN TREATMENT," please do share your thoughts and opinions here.

I wish you all a healthy, happy THANKSGIVING.

Yours,
Linda

*Please visit my website at http://www.applemanshapiro.com/ to learn more about my psychotherapy practice, my work as an oral historian and my book, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS

which can be purchased directly from my website with no fee for mailing.

DO MEN EXPERIENCE ANYTHING RESEMBLING THE INTIMACY ENJOYED BY WOMEN DURING VISITS TO A BEAUTY SALON?

2010-11-14T10:26:00.009-05:00

There are always exceptions to any generalization, but it has been my experience that men generally do not confide in one another or share intimate details of their lives with their “buddies” in any setting similar to a woman’s beauty salon.

Despite one’s socio-economic background or one’s intellectual proclivities, boys - while generally encouraged to be team players - generally remain quiet about their private lives. Girls, by nature, tend to share feelings and foster loyal, intimate friendships more easily, even when they are team players.

As girls get older and join in that special society found in beauty salons, they think nothing about talking about their lives while having their hair cut, styled or colored. They speak with those who work on them as well as with clients who are seated next to them. It’s both amusing and telling about one of the major differences between men and women : how we’re wired genetically and how we’re trained and encouraged to be in the world.

More often than not men talk about sports or Wall Street, business-related issues or the politics of the day. Women, on the other hand, seem more comfortable sharing feelings and thoughts about nearly everything.

And what better place to do such sharing than at one’s beauty salon where one is pampered, dressed in a silky robe, and served a delectable cup of cappuccino before a scissor has even touched the scalp?

The time I spend at the VASKEN DEMIRJIAN SALON – a place I have frequented for years – offers me not merely time to relax but a time to continue conversations about our professional and family lives, books we’ve read, and places to which we’ve travelled – all in an environment that’s an architectural delight for the eyes and comfort for the soul.

There’s something sacred about a salon. One finds oneself talking as easily with the
hair stylist as one does with customers who are seated nearby – and whether or not it’s true, one has the feeling that what is said in the salon stays there. What is talked about doesn’t seem to be gossip but rather the sharing of experiences in a safe environment, a place to re-energize and re-access, if only briefly.

Perhaps that is why it’s not such a coincidence that in the last few years a variety of noble causes have found their way into salons. Check it out and you’ll find a number of them offering pamphlets on issues relating to health and diet, sexually transmitted diseases, and information regarding ways for business women to protect themselves when traveling alone. Some even offer classes during lunch breaks to help women deal with emotional and physical challenges they may be facing. Lists of Safe Houses are made available for abused women and hot-lines are listed, as well.

These are no small achievements in an age where so many women are in need of resources – and to have them offered in the neutral setting of a salon makes it that much more accessible.

Though men go to barber shops – some old-fashioned ones, others more chic and up-scale – they’re in and out within half an hour or so and seldom talk about anything beyond basic pleasantries.

So, to all the hard-working men out there, I hope the time will come when you, too, will find places where you feel comfortable sharing your experiences and listening to those of other men in a safe and soothing environment that lessens the degree of your daily stress and nurtures you in ways that are essential for one’s overall health.

Please share your experiences here, since we can all benefit from knowing how others find ways to make life easier and more pleasurable.

Warm regards,
Linda

*Please visit my website at http://www.applemanshapiro.com to learn more about my private practice as a psychotherapist, my work as an oral historian and my book, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS, which you can order directly from my site.

COPING WITH THE STRESS OF CARE-GIVING

2010-11-07T10:29:00.011-05:00

The stress of care-giving is experienced at various stages and in different relationships throughout our lives. With each one comes the need to develop coping skills in order to benefit both the care-givers and those in their charge.

Obviously, the first care-giving experience any of us knows occurs between parent and child. When parents are fortunate enough to be healthy and to have healthy children, the joys of parenting far outweigh any of its stressful challenges. Changing diapers, preparing food, crying spells, middle of the night fevers, and even sleep interrupted are all tolerated as the desire to satisfy the needs of newborns and the pleasure received in participating in their on-going developmental stages is immeasurable.

Yet, when issues of health interfere with what should be glorious times and good relationships, everything changes. Sleep-deprivation, emotional disappointments and fear change one’s entire ability to succeed in all relationships including parenting.

The truth than none of us is prepared for is that one never stops being a parent. When one’s children grow up, marry, and have children of their own, we then care not only about our children but about their children, our grandchildren. It comes with the territory of being in a family: the inevitable joys and sorrows of attending to the needs of more and more people.

Sadly, when children have the misfortune of being parentified at an early age because they have unhealthy parents, they, too, suffer from being placed in the role of care-taker. They miss out on ever experiencing the joys of being pampered with the attention that every child deserves, and as with all care-takers, coping skills are desperately needed if care-taker and those in their care are to survive.

Then when parents who are still care-taking their children begin to care-take their parents, this group is commonly referred to as the “sandwich generation.”

As a parent and grandparent I can honestly say that I don’t know many people who want to be in the position of needing the help of their children, but for some there is no choice. When that occurs, the most important aspects of living a healthy and balanced life come into play. At such times, some of the MUSTS include: ● taking care of one's own health: meditating, exercising, reading – whatever gives pleasure and allows for focusing on the mind and body - doing positive activities to vitalize the soul
●Spending social time with people who are fun
●Becoming aware of negative thinking that directly affects your health and understanding that changing how you think and feel can change how you behave in ways that will benefit you and those for whom you are caring
●If you are caring for children with special needs, spouses, or aging parents, know that you are not alone. You will, however, have to be pro-active and seek out organizations, health care facilities, nursing facilities and those who specialize in the specific needs of your loved ones. But those people and such agencies do exist. Some are privately funded. Some are federally funded. You’ll have to do your homework, but it will pay off. You will ultimately be helping those in your charge as well as yourself. You will not become someone who prematurely needs care-taking because you have become a care-taker! But you will have to work hard to preserve your energy in order to be your best person and know that you are contributing toward improving the lives of those near and dear to you without destroying your own life.

If you find yourself lost between those two slices of life – childhood and old age – then your sandwich is likely to be poorly filled or overstuffed with unhealthy calories and little if any substance. You will consequently sabotage the help you wish to offer and it will be anything but nourishing.

So, if that’s where any of you are finding yourselves these days, reach out for the help you deserve. Those for whom you are caring do not want you to do diminish your lives because of what you’re doing to help them live theirs!

Anyone disagree? Please share your stories here so that others may learn and benefit from your experiences.

With gratitude for your participation,
Linda
*Please visit my website, http://www.applemanshapiro.com/ to learn more about my psychotherapy practice, my work as an oral historian and my book FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS: A Psychotherapist's Journey Into and Beyond Her Mother's Mental
Illness (available for sale directly through the site with no fee for mailing).

A TRIBUTE TO ALICE HERZ SOMMER: NEARING HER 107th BIRTHDAY, THE OLDEST HOLOCAUST SURVIVOR EXEMPLIFIES THE MAGIC OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT

2010-10-31T00:33:00.013-04:00

A new documentary - ALICE DANCING UNDER THE GALLOWS - the trailer for which can be seen on UTUBE at http://www.youtube.com/user/AliceTheFilm teaches us that the magic of one woman's humanity in surviving one of the worst atrocities of the 20th century was by finding God in music.

"Music is God when you are suffering," she says, as she is now approaching her 107th birthday. Despite the nightmare of the larger reality that confronted her in 1939, the Nazis could not diminish her soul. As expressed by another "survivor," the logic of their torturers' insanity permitted musicians to live and to perform as poster people for the world to see how well they were treated in their camp, Terezienstatadt. That they performed cannot be disputed. To call how they survived "living" is another matter. But, in their own words, they say that "music transported us into another world," an internal world that allowed them to suspend belief - if only while they performed - as the tragedy of the inhumanity of those who used and abused them crushed the spirits of those less able to cope than Alice.

Yet, for Alice, her world then and now IS music. "I'm not interested in anything else," she says between an incredible smile and a giggle.

Today, in her north London flat # 6, she plays the piano daily, welcomes the company of friends, and speaks openly and touchingly about her refusal to hate. "Hatred only breeds hatred," she tells us, and the narrator of the documentary adds that "she remains a beacon of hope" as her undiminished optimism is nothing short of remarkable.

I don't know what allows a human being to have such courage and to be so forgiving after all that she witnessed and survived; but, surely, she is a role model for us all. A woman of valor! A musician who still caresses the keys of a piano with gnarled arthritic hands as though she is a young girl whose hands are dancing across a keyboard with the grace and beauty of youth.

One loves this woman on the screen in an instant. Her strong voice totally betrays her age but not her spirit, as she tells us about her love for all people, and the joy she receives from speaking to people and hearing their stories.

I know that I, for one, am left wondering how anyonone survived the Holocaust, let alone a remarkably talented woman whose civilized and successful life as a concert pianist in Prague was taken from her at age 39. Yet, Alice Herz Sommer did more than just survive. She saved the life of her son, as well, and she lived to inspire us with a contagious brand of hope and humanity.

I trust that she will receive all the birthday wishes she deserves and greedy, though I may be, I hope she is around long enough for us to get to know even more about her than what we learn from the trailer of this documentary.

Here's to spreading the courage, music, and optimism she exudes!

~ Linda

*Please visit my website, http://www.applemanshapiro.com/. to learn more about my book, my private practice as a psychotherapist/addictions counselor and my work as an oral historian.

CHALLENGES OF PARENTING IN THE 21st CENTURY!

2010-10-24T11:59:00.022-04:00

It seems to me that the challenges of parenting are more daunting these days than they were in years past.

Post WWII parents read Dr. Spock's books on child care and parenting and followed his every word. Today there is no one person offering advice but hundreds offering conflicting “words of wisdom.” You can find them on the internet, in magazine articles, in books, on television, radio and in your daily newspapers. The problem is that too many are pointing fingers in opposite directions.

Some say that if you give children everything they want, you’re not teaching them good values. Others say that deprivation never taught anything positive and that a child can’t ever be spoiled or loved too much.

If you cook healthy meals that your children refuse to eat and you send them to bed hungry, some consider you to be heartless. Others believe children should eat whatever they feel like eating and if they don’t want to eat no fuss should be made.

If parents insist on good manners and their children exemplify what they’re being taught, their children may also be singled out by others as being "goody two shoes" and still worse might fall prey to schoolyard bullies. Also, if your child happens to be one of the bullies, you will be judged for not teaching compassion and for creating the little monsters they appear to be.

Then, too, if you happen to be a single parent trying to make ends meet, always having to make sacrifices for yourself and your children, you will either be admired, judged harshly or feel too tired to care about what others think, including your children. So, what are parents to do? How are they able to create a balanced life when they feel pulled in so many directions and have so many responsibilities?

Without even addressing the demands felt by parents who may be ill or care-taking a spouse or tending to parents of their own who are ill, the challenges confronting parents today are real and often daunting. The vast majority of parents of young children are those in their 30’s and 40’s who are doing their best to keep their families in tact and offer their children a “good life.” More to the point, I believe that what defines a good life in 2010 is very different from what defined it in the past.

Of course LOVE and COMMITMENT have to be a part of the equation in any era. Without

those ingredients everyone loses. Yet, even the most well-intentioned parents these days seem to be so stressed that few take the time or have the energy to express their love beyond doing what’s necessary to feed and clothe their children. Even fewer find adult time just for themselves to appreciate the simple things in life and gain new energy to move forward as adults and as parents.

Perhaps much of the challenge as well as the problems boil down to priorities. If it's easier

to have kids sit in front of a TV or play computer games while a parent cooks or cleans house or does business at home, then all too often that becomes a way of life for their children and not just an hour to be passively involved, sitting still. Also, if parents encourage or permit competition to be the name of the game then little girls studying dance will all want to be the best ballerina and will be devastated when they’re told that they are not. Boys who are heavy into sports will then always need to be on the winning team or become the winner for their team and when they’re not, their world collapses. And while it’s natural and sometimes even healthy to be competitive, it’s the degree to which competition is the motivating factor that will affect the life of any child. Perhaps we’ll begin to find solutions when we explore what happened in the days when boys played stick ball in the streets, girls jumped rope and everyone felt delighted simply to "play" with friends.

Also, in an age when so many adult children don't leave home after completing high school or move back home after graduating from college or graduate school, what guidelines do parents of adult children follow? When the children were toddlers, it was natural for parents to pick up all the pieces of the puzzle left on the floor after play-time. Yet, with adult children, what do parents do when they see the pieces and know their boundaries should be different? Some continue to pamper without realizing that they are infantilizing their adult children, not permitting them to make their own messes, their own mistakes, and in need of picking up their own pieces if they are ever to complete the puzzle of their lives. And what about the grandparents who want so to love and cherish their grandchildren but in over-indulging them deprive them, as well, from learning from their mistakes and moving on.

When the pressures of parenting far outweigh the pleasures, then parenting becomes yet another pressure of 21st century living and we are left open to a host of stress-related illnesses.

To avoid that, we must - at the very least - attempt to appreciate the dividends earned from living a balanced life. That includes teaching our children the importance of being in competition first and foremost with themselves. We need as well to find ways to make eating pleasurable enough so that the necessity to eat well is not done because a parent says that’s what must be done but because the habit is put into place early and one simply eats what one is served and even manages to enjoy it.

When children are given respect and are openly admired, will they not be better-adjusted and happier? Is it ever in their best interest if they are idolized and taught that the world revolves around them? I don’t think so! Also, at the other extreme, I believe that parents who think only of themselves and leave children more or less to raise themselves are guilty of doing irreparable damage. Again, the answer I come back to is balance.

Acting as though everything is black or white, good or bad, and having no room for all that’s in-between does not help our children develop the attributes of becoming healthy, kind, compassionate individuals who will be productive citizens one day.

When I’m in the presence of young families or listen to stories about children and their parents, it seems abundantly clear that we must re-define the importance of family, the meaning of friendship, the desire to please without being insincere. Above all, perhaps, is the need to teach children to want to excel for the sake of wanting to be the best at whatever they are capable of doing.

Anything in the extreme is never in a child’s best interest. If the message that children get is to please only others, to conform to whatever those around them are doing, or if they are taught to please only themselves, they are unlikely to live a balanced life and we, their parents, will have failed to help them strive toward healthy decisions with values from which they and we can derive pleasure and pride.

Please respond with any family stories or theories of your own. All of us can benefit from sharing our experiences and our beliefs.

Have a great week!

Yours,
Linda

2010-10-17T12:21:00.067-04:00

SOCIAL ISOLATION AND ITS IMPACT ON HEALTHThough technology offers a myriad of ways to keep in touch - cell phone, e-mail, Facebook and Twitter - not enough focus is being placed on the concurrent problem of isolation in today’s busy and complex world.

Studies over many years (and in several countries) have proven time and again that infants - when separated from their parents at birth - do not thrive nearly as well as those who are not separated. Even when placed in orphanages or in the temporary care of strangers, they sense an absence of the loving arms of a parent or parents whose attention and devotion breathes life into the infant’s every waking and sleeping moment. Left alone in a crib with a bottle propped up to give them their only nourishment, they are isolated from human touch, the very touch of mother-infant bonding necessary for wholesome development.

What has been studied less is the effect of isolation on people of all ages. During adolescence, for instance, there are the particular consequences experienced when teens struggle as natural hormonal shifts affect their bodies, their brains, and their and sense of self. It is especially during those years when they need the tender bolstering, reassurance, and care of family members and/or friends that they often make it difficult to give them what they most need, since their behavior often defies logic. Yet, when adults rise to the occasion and do offer much-needed unconditional support, the rewards are worth the effort.

We witness also the social isolation of those who focus primarily on developing a career, delaying both marriage and/or having children, as well as all those in their senior years, widowed or abandoned by family members and friends. This isolation proves fertile ground for the growing incidences of depression, anxiety disorders, and a Pandora’s box of other health problems.

Though scientific studies as to why and how social relationships protect health still remain limited, it is important to note that the lack of such relationships does have direct effects upon our health.

One hypothesis is that “social relationships beneficially affect health, not only because of their supportiveness, but also because of the social control that others exercise over a person, especially by encouraging health-promoting behaviors such as adequate sleep, diet, exercise, and compliance with medical regimes or by discouraging health damaging behaviors such as smoking, excessive eating, alcohol consumption or drug abuse.” [Wikepedia: wn.com/social_isolation - October 2010]

In 2007, reference was made to a study conducted at the University of Illinois at the Chicago College of Medicine on "THE EFFECTS OF SOCIAL ISOLATION." It traced brain hormones in mice and concluded that “the anxiety and aggression that result from social isolation have been traced to altered levels of an enzyme that controls production of a brain hormone.”

Animal models in a variety of studies since then continue to link human stress due to isolation and its effect upon levels of anxiety, aggression, and memory impairment.

As recently as August 2010, the National Academy of Sciences reported that a study in mice showed that social supports help to minimize the worst physical damages to the brain caused by heart attacks, in particular. According to Greg Norman, the lead author of the study, “the results get at the profound influence that the social environment can have on health after cardiac arrest ...” protecting against some of the negative effects on neural regulation of the heart.

And in HEALTH NEWS, 7/27/10, researchers combined the results of 148 studies and estimated that “adults with strong personal relationships may live an average of almost four years longer than those with weaker social ties.”

These issues have been brought home to me during these past few months while recovering from surgery. I realize more than ever now how isolated life can be, how diminished one’s options are without the ability to move about freely and be active socially.

Just as I have written about the consequences of bullying in its many forms and the need to teach empathy in our attempt to connect with family and friends within our community with the goal of creating a healthier society, I think that perhaps now – during these days of economic uncertainty and political unrest – we need, more than ever, to focus on how best to maintain our physical and mental well-being.

With the availability of online networking communities, people do have many options for reaching out and communicating with others. Message boards, chat rooms and a variety of social networking meet the needs of those who might otherwise remain without any opportunities at all to develop friendships.

Yet, despite the fact that research needs to continue in this area, it seems clear to most in the scientific community that human interaction and social relationships come with more than just emotional benefits. They influence our longevity and our health and, as concluded in HEALTH NEWS, “It appears that strong relationships have an effect comparable to that of quitting smoking and a greater effect than known risk factors such as obesity and alcohol use ... as clearly as they reduce stress and boost the immune system.”

Perhaps that is our greatest challenge: to provide health care facilities dedicated to the prevention of disease as well as the treatment of them, while having as its major goal helping patients to develop broader networks of social support.

If you agree, disagree, or have pertinent information to add, please share your thoughts here on this site.

Best wishes for a healthy week!

Yours,
Linda

TEACHING EMPATHY

2010-10-10T08:16:00.016-04:00

Almost as a postscript to the blog I wrote September 26 - days before all the major television networks and CNN’s Anderson Cooper began to initiate programs addressing bullying in our schools after several recent teen-age suicides - there is now a push to enact laws, create consequences for those who bully, and to educate parents, students, and teachers.

The bottom line is that teaching empathy starts at birth and learning to act with empathy defines individuals. It is one of the key attributes of a civilized life and therefore one of the key reasons to give it our attention NOW!

In interviewing those who have suffered and survived the pain of having been bullied as well as the few converts who were once bullies and somehow changed their lives around – what became painfully clear to me is what bullies and sex addicts share in common. Both objectify the person (their drug) to the point of never having a relationship with that person other than that of self-gratification. It is one which never includes the other person's essential being and soul.

In short, the bully objectifies his victim(s) by never seeing them as people with feelings, just as the sex addict objectifies his partner of the moment. The consequences of such abuse are never considered. Harm to the self or to another is never thought about, never a part of the equation ... and with the the bully, his/her focus is on the power received from humiliating the chosen victim (object).

We all have witnessed the behavior of children who at a very young age are cruel to their peers and unable to share what they have or to play fairly and respectfully. We have also seen children who have the ability to react to situations and to people with the sort of caring that is both touching and impressive.

Undoubtedly, those who are kind and able to share their toys learned such lessons in their family and were taught them not by lectures but by example.

Now in 2010 , it seems it has taken several teen suicides to convince the powers that be to develop educational curricula which will teach parents, educators and students the necessary methods with which to prevent bullying in it's many forms.

The goal is to have empathy extend to those who are like us, those who are different, and the world at large. And while such teachings ideally begin in the home, they must be echoed in our schools, in the workplace and in every area of our lives.

Children who are loved unconditionally and taught to respect their siblings, parents, grandparents and friends, learn how to put themselves in other people’s shoes and to express feelings of empathy, acting in ways that demonstrate that they are not at the center of the universe where everything and everyone revolves around them. They have not been over-indulged to the point where they feel they have the right to “call the shots,” to decide what’s right and wrong. They have a sense that there are times when sacrifices are made and deeds are done for those less fortunate than themselves, and, in so doing, they are expressing their humanity in ways that speak for how they are likely to mature as adults. Their behavior toward others is unlikely to include the need to take advantage of another person’s racial or sexual difference, intellectual talents or mental defects. What will drive them instead will be the strength gained from being kind and extending themselves to help others rather than to harm them.

Although it seems to have taken the tragic acts of suicide to awaken us, it is now our responsibility to reward those who lend helping hands and exhibit thoughtfulness and respect of others, while recognizing the first signs of cruelty toward others and then taking appropriate actions to punish such behavior.

Needless to say, this is as true for cyber-bullying, bullying in the workplace and abuse of any kind in any context.

I believe teaching EMPATHY is every bit as important as teaching any academic subject.

Do you agree?

Yours,
Linda

Please visit my website at http://www.applemanshapiro.com/ to learn more about my work as a psychotherapist and oral historian. You can also purchase my memoir, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS, directly from this site (with no fee for mailing).

THE NEED TO IDENTIFY WHAT YOU ARE FEELING!

2010-10-03T07:58:00.002-04:00

HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?

I read something recently written by John Townsend and promised myself that I’d quote it some day, in a context that felt appropriate.

I regret to say I can’t give credit to the person who made the quote available, as I can’t recall where I read it, only that I copied and saved it. It was Townsend’s comment on FEELINGS, where he wrote: “Feelings are not just window dressings in life. They are vital to understanding the nature of your problem so that you are more informed, and they are good for your well-being. What is more, your emotions are a tool that will help you solve your problem. So embrace your feelings; pay attention to them and learn from them. You will be the better for it!”

While what he says seems to be ordinary common sense, I think that for most of us feelings can’t be embraced or learned from unless or until they are properly identified.

Specifically, it is nearly impossible to change any part of our behavior – whether it be that of our role at work, at home, or in relationships across the board – unless we are first able to identify and define accurately what we are feeling.

For instance, if we believe that we are angry, when in fact it is sadness that is at the core, our belief will inevitably lead to actions which are more likely to sabotage whatever it is that we perceive to be our goal.

Likewise, if we feel depressed and tell ourselves that we are really hopeful, the actions that we take then, as well, will not be appropriate and will not help us to make the necessary change(s)needed to allow us to move forward, to leave our proverbial “baggage” behind.

I am devoting this week’s blog to the topic of FEELINGS because as recently as this past week I realized how unnecessarily painful it is for anyone who has suffered a significant loss, feeling of abandonment, abuse or trauma and was not offered help at the time the event occurred to process what happened and to understand the feelings that were evoked. Without identifying and understanding what happened,those who wish to survive bury whatever feelings were experienced and with such a burial or denial - call it what you will - the initial injury remains unresolved. Such feelings, in fact, which are not addressed or understood remain as shadows, dark, fearsome and ever present.

On the other hand, making peace with a devastating experience means receiving the help necessary to identify and understand the feelings associated with the experience. Unless or until that is accomplished, it is rare to find any one who is so turned off to be able to develop into a fully mature adult with the capacity to express a wide range of emotions.

More often, without an examination of such emotions, it is common to suffer from re-traumatization whenever situations resemble (consciously or unconsciously) the original emotions experienced – sometimes when the person was too young even to have words to describe what happened - despite its having caused everlasting scars.

To use an analogy of food, it’s as though the ingredients we might, as adults, toss into a salad bowl are just that – tossed. Why? Because, during our most formative years, they were never distinguished from other ingredients. A bib lettuce looked too similar to an iceberg and since no time had been taken to explore the difference between one vegetable and another, the final result is that of confusion and an inability to appreciate an extraordinary salad from an ordinary one, and sometimes even a good one from a bad.

Mary Kuros who often writes about the importance of releasing emotions in order to maintain balance and health claims that “people who ignore, dismiss, repress or just ventilate their emotions,” are setting themselves up for failure.

She concludes that there is a major difference between talking about feelings and feeling them. Those who merely talk, but don’t feel, intellectualize and analyze. Intellectualizing and analyzing are two defenses which they developed early and have remained attached to in fear of feeling deeply, feeling the pain involved in feeling their emotions whether they stem from a sense of failure, shame, betrayal, loss – whatever the emotion may be.

What many people don’t realize (and suffer from greatly because they don’t) is that much of life is about what we feel and not what we think. Being connected to our emotional life is, according to Kuros and many of us in the field of mental health, “essential to living a life with high energy and a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction."

If you have never stopped to confront your own internal world which may, indeed, be chaotic and filled with pain, then you will forever remain fooled into believing that others are either unaffected by your mask of “strength” or unaware of the fact that who you think you are is not who the world sees or experiences.

Although most of us are willing to invest money and time in everything from
real estate to sports, attending gala events or gambling at casinos, I suggest that many would be far better served by investing time in taking a course in understanding the self – a course often referred to as “psychotherapy.”

There is nothing more rewarding than knowing why you behave as you do and understanding why others experience you in ways that made you believe they were always wrong and you were right.

Sadly, ignorance about the SELF is as dangerous as is ignorance about any subject. Conversely, self-knowledge is the door to freedom of expression, opening life to actions taken that will allow you to meet someone who should be your very best friend ... and that friend is YOU!

On that note, I wish you a well-explored journey which brings you to places and feelings that can only enrich your life and offer you gifts you never imagined possible.

Yours,
Linda

*Please visit my website at http://www.applemanshapiro.com to learn more about the work I do as an oral historian, to take advantage of a free psychotherapy consultation, to order a copy of my memoir (with no fee for shipping charges) and to find out how to book me as a speaker in various venues where I advocate for mental health.

2010-09-19T10:26:00.027-04:00

THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE

Many articles and books have been written about the healing powers of love and prayer. My wish for today is not to top what has already been said, but – from my most recent personal experience – to agree with the premise.

There have been other times in my life when I have experienced the healing power of friendship and love, but I believe that as we age certain subjects affect us more profoundly, especially those related to our own mortality.

I recently underwent knee replacement surgery and returned home just two days ago. The surgery itself was not life threatening, but the fact that it had to be postponed three times due to unrelated infections left me quite undone by the time I actually entered the operating room.

More to the point, it became ever so much clearer prior to the surgery and immediately afterward that the experience of receiving the love and prayers from those near and dear was both powerful and healing.

Just as some would not argue the existence of God from a logical perspective, one also can’t prove how the energy of love and prayer works to assist those in need. However, especially since the 1980s, scientific studies have shown that no matter what the disease, those who have people praying for them do heal far better and far faster than those who are isolated and have no extended family or group of friends extending themselves to the patient in need.

Today, I am here to attest to the fact that the caring thoughts, the love, and prayers sent to me these past weeks did not merely warm my heart metaphorically. Throughout the days and nights in which I felt an urgent need for assistance – the love of others was both palpable and extraordinarily curative.

While there is no one way to love or to express one’s love, it is always a feeling of warmth, a personal attachment that feeds our souls and offers us the hope that we desperately need in times of distress. It is often accompanied by a deep feeling of gratitude for all who put their own needs aside during times when we need them. The feeling may not have a particular word and it may be difficult for us to measure, but we certainly do feel it.

In the late 70s and early 80s – a time many referred to pejoratively as New Age thinking – I was in training to become a psychotherapist and began to read the writings of people such as Dr. Larry Dossey. Knowing that he – a Western medical physician – was supporting the power of prayer and love and that the top medical schools in America were requiring their students to take courses in spirituality and healing, allowed me to put on an entirely new thinking cap of my own.

In Dossey’s five-part series, "LEARN TO USE THE POWER OF PRAYER, LOVE and INTENTION TO HEAL," he takes a very clear position on the healing power of prayer. He writes about scientific research regarding the various healing powers, stressing “the converging functions of prayer and love and some of the limitations of modern medical practices.”

As the executive editor of EXPLORE: The Journal of Science and Healing, and the author of at least ten books about consciousness and spirituality and their roles in the healing process, he addresses this subject with a fount of scientific knowledge, and, as a treating physician, he thereby legitimizes the topic. He does not merely share anecdotal experiences, though many medical cures begin just that way. He and many in medical research and medical practice are now – thirty years later – acknowledging the mystifying experiences of patients and are now open to ways of thinking that encourage their patients to help heal themselves as well as to accept the love and prayers of others as being a vital part of the healing process.

So, to all of you who sent me your positive thoughts, your healing energy and prayers, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and remind you – as I am reminding myself – that we don’t have to wait for catastrophic incidents or tenacious traumas to send others our love or to offer it to ourselves, as well.

Wishing everyone excellent health and loving people in your life who will be there when you ask them to be there ... and even when you don’t!

Warmest regards,
~ Linda

HERE AT WOUNDED KNEE!

2010-09-12T14:48:00.014-04:00

As many of you know, I had knee replacement surgery this past week and along with many of you who have experienced poor health care as well as excellent care, I feel the need to honor all those who restored my faith in the healing profession and those who chose the profession as their life’s passion for all the right reasons.

First and foremost I'd like to express my gratitude to Dr.Steven Zelicof, whose last words to me before I entered the operating room were: “Don’t forget. Linda, my goal is to do everything that’s best for you, causing you no undue pain,” to his first words while I was in the recovery room surrounded by my family :"Perfect! Everything went perfectly!”

In addition to never expecting anything in life to be “perfect,” it was more than wonderful to hear those words said and to be met during the following three days with nurses, nurses’s aides, attending physicians, and absolutely everyone on Dr.Z’s team with nothing but utter respect as they attended to each of my needs.

When I pressed the button on the bed’s remote for assistance, there was no waiting for an oral response over a loud speaker asking what I needed. Instead, a nurse appeared almost before I completed buzzing. I was always met by a smile and a sincere response to whatever my question was. The few times that a medical decision had to be made, a physician was at my bedside in moments and the problem was given proper attention.

This may sound as though I’m paying homage to what we should all expect pre and post any surgical procedure. As most of us know, that seldom happens. Whether it’s because we have too few hospitals properly staffed and/or equipped or it’s yet another consequence of today’s economy, it's always the suffering patient who suffers unnecessarily when those who are supposed to be care-takers fail us in their care.

So, as I am still in Rehab and suffering from the pain that everyone warned me about, I shall keep this short and simply hope that I have expressed my heart-felt gratitude to Dr.Zelicof and the staff of Sound Shore Medical Center. I wish any of you who might now be facing any surgical procedure now or in the near future the unusually wonderful quality of care that I received.

Wishing you all good health and healing ~

Yours,
Linda

2010-09-05T00:38:00.043-04:00

LABOR DAY 2010 !

Take the day off from worrying!

I don’t think any of us would deny that Americans are a hard working people and that most of us have work ethics worthy of being admired, acknowledged, and celebrated. Those were certainly the sentiments in 1894 when Congress finally passed an act making the first Monday in September of each year a legal holiday throughout the nation.

As stated by the U.S. Department of Labor:

"The form that the observance and celebration of Labor Day should take was outlined in the first proposal of the holiday: a street parade to exhibit to the public ‘the strength and esprit de corps of the trade and labor organizations’ of the community, followed by a festival for the recreation and amusement of the workers and their families. This became the pattern for the celebrations of Labor Day. Speeches by prominent men and women were introduced later, as more emphasis was placed upon the economic and civic significance of the holiday. Still later, by a resolution of the American Federation of Labor convention of 1909, the Sunday preceding Labor Day was adopted as Labor Sunday and dedicated to the spiritual and educational aspects of the labor movement.”

Much has happened since those early days at the start of the 20th century, and in today's complex world where all of us would like to see a return to prosperity, it is perhaps more important than ever that we honor and respect American workers – no matter what their occupation – and hope that the government that we have always worked so hard to support will once again support us in essential and significant ways.

However, the celebration of Labor Day this year is less a celebration than a half-hearted acknowledgment and a time to reflect, unfortunately, on the country’s sagging economy and all the people who are struggling to survive. In recent years, Labor Day and, more specifically – Labor Day weekend – has turned into a time for barbeques at home and/or modest vacations, as well as sale days to help ready our children to return to school.

This month alone, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics released unemployment figures that reflect a rate increase of 9.6 per cent with a total number of jobs lost more than 50,000. but not enough. And while I have no answers as to how to solve this monumental problem, I do know how very important it is to do so, if we are to avoid the ripple effect of unemployment on individuals, families, and the nation as a whole.

Lest anyone think that an unemployed person is pleased with his free time and not overwhelmed – and/or actually clinically depressed – by mounting bills and the frustration of not being able to meet his responsibilities, think again. Whether or not you believe in a past life or a future life, one thing is certain: this life we live now is the one that we have the greatest ability to influence.

Whatever the government does or does not do to help us, we each owe it to ourselves and to the generations that follow to be our best advocates. We must keep our focus on maintaining medical and social benefits; the quality of our children’s education, and the quality of our daily lives.

It is all too easy for some people – whatever their socio-economic position may be – to feel depressed and hopeless not only about work and financial woes, but about the general political climate world-wide. However, such thinking will prove to defeat us as a nation and deplete whatever energy we need to make certain that we do our very best to fight for our individual and collective rights as Americans, as a people who believe in democracy and the democratic process.

So, despite whatever fears we may be harboring about the rate of unemployment and the plight of laborers across the country, it is of the utmost importance that we continue to honor the American work force. To do anything less is to give up, and that is certainly not in anyone’s best interest ... and has never been what has singled us out as a moral and courageous people!

On that note, I wish everyone a peaceful Labor Day weekend and hope that - for at least these few days - those who have real worries and concerns are able to put them aside, enjoy friends and family and the very notion that we do, in fact, honor all working Americans who strive to live decent and dignified lives.

Yours,
Linda

"AS TIME GOES BY"

2010-08-29T00:21:00.056-04:00

When I was 7, I thought that anyone who was over 21 was old. When I was 17, I upped that number to 40, and at 40 I was certain that 60 was really old.

Well, there comes a time in each of our lives - if we're lucky to live long enough - when numbers become meaningless symbols. Whatever the number, whatever the number is representing, it is something to which I - and I must say most of my peers - cannot relate.

So, Friday, when my husband and I celebrated our 43rd wedding anniversary, the actual number seemed absolutely surreal, though - of course - the years have not been.

As each of you has, I, too, have experienced the different stages in my life (single and married) - recognizing that some were wonderful, others less so, some challenging, others transitional, and the list goes on. But more than anything, if aging is affording me any wisdom, I am learning how to prioritize "as time goes by."

And as I found myself humming the song with that very title - a song written for the WWII film, "CASABLANCA" - it became clear to me why my friendly unconscious chose that particular song, just as my husband and I were preparing to be feted by a few select friends and family members.

What it brought to mind was a moment in time years ago when I read in our local newspaper that an elderly lady, aged 55, had been assaulted in a nearby shopping mall. My immediate response was one of rage as I imagined some thug targeting an "elderly" person. And though I would like to think that I would have responded similarly no matter what the victim's age, I did not at first realize that the elderly person was someone the very same age as myself. What that taught me was that I - and I dare say most of my peers - really don't identify with age in the same way that the generation of our parents or grandparents once did.

The times now are, of course, different. Our world leaders are different men and women, and what is at stake today is different and perhaps even more threatening, but still ... some few things remain constant, as stated in the refrain and in a stanza from "AS TIME GOES BY."

[This day and age we're living in
Gives cause for apprehension
With speed and new invention
And things like fourth dimension.

Yet we get a trifle weary
With Mr. Einstein's theory.
So we must get down to earth at times

Relax relieve the tension

And no matter what the progress
Or what may yet be proved
The simple facts of life are such
They cannot be removed.]

The fundamental things apply, as time goes by ...

It's still the same old story

A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by."

In that spirit, I dedicate this blog to saner times, fewer world and personal tensions, and with an appreciation - always - for the fact that the world will always welcome lovers as time goes by!

Hope you all have a peaceful, love-filled week.

Yours,
Linda

Please remember to visit my website at http://www.applemanshapiro.com to learn more about me, my psychotherapy practice, my book FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS: A Psychotherapist's Journey Into and Beyond Her Mother's Mental Illness and the ways to book me as a speaker, advocating for mental health in a variety of venues, at no fee!

ON-LINE DATING: THE MERITS AND DE-MERITS OF SEEKING DATES OR MATES ON THE INTERNET!

2010-08-15T09:44:00.009-04:00

At the request of some of my younger readers, I am going to go out on a limb today and address the phenomenon of on-line dating. I say “go out on a limb”, because having been married for more than 40 years and as a mother and a grandmother, I am happy to report that I have no direct experience and am, in fact, relatively ignorant about the details of on-line dating. Yet, I am able to appreciate why so often, so many, are turning to the internet to gain a social life, given the fact that most people have little or no time to organize their time let alone to find the love of their life.

The obvious pros and cons of such a decision can be guessed at by most of us, but listening to those who attempted to educate me and then reading the statistics (the billions of people world-wide, including the successes as well as the failures), I am writing here more as an investigative reporter than an expert on the subject.

I admit it may be easy to consider me to be a relic of a time gone by when people met in school, at social gatherings or houses of worship or were introduced by friends or relatives. It was a time when beyond the introductory meeting, the way we then got to know someone and further establish the relationship we wished to have was through going out on group dates (meeting one another’s friends), then graduating to individual dates, writing letters and/or speaking on the telephone. I suppose the truth is that the part of me that is still old-fashioned favors that way of engaging with anyone.

However, times HAVE changed. The demands made on people’s time are different and. if someone’s not into bar hopping, access to meeting people who share one’s interests and passions(especially in big cities) is slim at best. That being a given, it’s easy to understand the lure of on-line dating and, therefore, I feel obligated to list some of its attributes.

1- It gives anyone who participates many more options regarding the sheer number of people one is able to meet.

2- One can pursue or allow oneself to be pursued at any time of the day or night that’s convenient and it can be done from the comfort of one’s home without ever having one’s actual voice heard or actual body seen.

3- One can select from thousands upon thousands of entries, and if a person seems appealing, anonymity can be maintained until such time as one or both of the parties becomes interested enough to actually want to meet.

On the downside, however:

1- There is no way to know if whether the information the person has posted is true and/or if the photo he or she has submitted is recent or is even the person he or she claims to be.

2- Married people and ex-convicts – men in particular, I regret to say – often refer to themselves as being single and very up-scale. Those, of course, can be only the first in a string of lies uncaught unless one actually does a personal or criminal check.

3- Writing about anyone – including oneself – is far easier than having to talk face to face. If the writing is (as it was in “my day”) playful, romantic, and honest, one can learn a great deal about the writer. If, however, what is written in on-line questionnaires is in the form of the literary equivalent of what the younger generation refers to as soundbites, texting, sexting, and flirting, the reader may, indeed, be setting herself or himself up for disaster.

There are websites, however, such as SINGLESTUFF.com, whose sole purpose is to offer people Dating Safety Rules and often does not particularly endorse on-line dating. This site’s opening disclaimer states: “We cannot protect you from a broken heart, but we may be able to help you avoid a few of the other risks associated with modern dating." They then go on to list safety rules:

Rule #1: Be careful who has your phone # and don’t forget that nearly everyone has caller I.D.
Rule #2: You may want to get a personalized ring number, if you don’t want to change your actual phone number ... and do call your telephone service provider should you receive any harassing calls.
Rule #3: You may wish to open a separate e-mail account just for on-line dating.

This list and the options offered go on and you can find them easily, should you choose to visit that site.

Most importantly, however, no one can fault anyone for wishing to have a partner in life, a soul-mate, a person to love and be loved by. When searching for that special someone, however, one should choose an environment and a process which allows you to feel safe and comfortable.

If it is on one of the on-line sites, though, it’s important to know yourself and learn to trust your instincts using your head as well as your heart. Beyond how you may or may not respond to his or her photograph and how he or she may answer a set of questions in an attempt to make the getting to know segment of your journey speedier and less cumbersome, take your time in getting to know anyone.

Apparently, there are many people who do meet on line, fall in love, marry and stay together as often as those who meet elsewhere. Yet, however and whenever you meet that special someone, put one another through as many hoops as you would someone whom you were interviewing if you were the C.E.O. of a company. Because, in fact, you are the C.E.O. of your life. You should always feel as though you are in the driver’s seat calling the shots and making the decisions based on the maximum amount of information available, the knowledge about the competitors for the same position and know the reasons why the person you are choosing is best suited for the position of best date or best mate.

It’s your life and the decisions you make will reap the rewards of your wisdom or force you to suffer the consequences of an inability to know how to weed out those who are attracted to the position for the wrong reasons. If they are not ready to make the commitment you deserve or are simply manipulating the situation and seducing you into buying a false package, then that package will only fall apart as you attempt to hold it.

If you believe that there are enough wonderful people out there, then trust yourself to meet at least one of them who will lighten your load and enlighten your days!

With warm regards, I send best wishes for success to all who are seeking love on-line, off-line and all places in between.

Yours,
Linda

EXPECTATIONS AND THE ROLE THEY PLAY IN OUR LIVES

2010-08-08T01:39:00.027-04:00

Our expectations are based on the degree of probability that we assume or hope something will happen. That being said, when we know ourselves well enough, we are able – more often than not – to assume and to predict how we will act and what we are likely to say in a given situation ... or, put another way, how we might expect ourselves to act and/or react.

Even then, that’s a tall order because we are often caught off guard and placed in situations beyond our control. How we respond may turn out to be quite different from how we would have expected ourselves to respond. Yet, the odds are still in our favor that –and I repeat – if we know ourselves well enough, we are more apt to respond in ways that we're able to predict because we have certain well-defined expectations of ourselves.

I think where many of us get into trouble is when we expect others to act as we would act or say what we would say. We feel hurt or angry when their behavior doesn't match our conscious or unconscious expectations, and our disappointment leads us to feeling uncomfortable and at odds with them. When taken to an extreme, we even feel compelled to end our relationship.

Instead, I suggest that since we can not control how others think or behave, the lesson to be learned is that – at best – we must aim to know ourselves, to know what we most value, and to set clear standards for ourselves, accepting that the basis for a healthy relationship is when each person gives as much as he or she takes; listens as much as he or she speaks; and, most importantly, that both persons agree to disagree respectfully. In fact, mutual respect, is the one expectation in any relationship that is non-negotiable.

Naturally, it makes for easier relationships and better communication when we are able to be in the company of people whose behavior doesn’t repel us or whose thinking is not totally contrary to our own. Yet, in the subtle areas of daily living – and the majority of areas are subtle and not blatantly obvious – the greatest challenge is to accept others for who they are and then work to preserve those relationships that are most important to us.

In today’s world with the many pressures we all feel, it’s all too easy to become so self-absorbed - concerned primarily with everything that affects us personally – that we lose sight of the needs of others and are insensitive to the way in which we relate to them, which includes what we expect from them.

We would all spare ourselves a great deal of grief if we would stop to take into account who the other person is – his or her strengths and weaknesses – before we allow our expectations to tarnish our responses.

Do you agree? If not, do tell me why. I’m always eager to learn.

Yours,
Linda

2010-08-01T00:06:00.039-04:00

HOW TO RECOGNIZE SIGNS OF COMPULSIVE
(or ADDICTIVE) COMPUTER USAGE

In more than twenty-five years working as a psychotherapist and addictions counselor I have preferred not to give too much weight to labels of any kind and/or diagnoses, for that matter.

What’s most important to me is how whatever people do or feel affects their life: their relationships at home, their work, their thinking and behavior. I feel the same way about what many are now referring to as COMPUTER ADDICTION.

In general, most clinicians agree that some people do become addicted to activities performed on a computer – activities such as playing video games, instant messaging, or watching Internet pornography. Some have labeled these activities IAD (Internet Addiction Disorder).

The problem with identifying and truly understanding this not-yet-agreed-upon addiction is that computers themselves ARE useful and there are many legitimate reasons why many of us spend hours using them.

According to Ed Grabianowski and others who have written extensively about this, “any single definition of computer addiction is necessarily broad and vague.” However, most agree that when computer usage becomes problematic, if not addictive, it is when the user’s behaviors interfere with other life activities. As with an alcoholic or other drug addict who is not able to stop using his or her drug or drugs of choice, when a person using a computer is unable to stop excessive use despite negative consequences, we then consider addiction to be a real possibility.

The major negative side effect in such cases is usually SOCIAL. A “user” withdraws from social situations and obligations and spends more and more time on the computer. In the end, it takes an emotional toll. Grabianowski contends that constant computer gaming, for instance, “can cause someone to place more emotional value on events within the game than things happening in their real lives"... just as excessive viewing of Internet pornography can warp a person’s ideas about sexuality.”

Likewise, excessive use also affects one’s overall health – diminishing the hours of needed sleep consequently results in immune system disorders.

So, whether or not we call excessive use an addiction or not, I do think it’s important to identify one’s usage, get help and lessen the amount of time spent using the so-called object of choice, if it happens to be a computer.

Here are some tips offered by Grabianowski, all of which I think are helpful and necessary:

● Make specific time limits. Set an alarm to go off in one hour and end computer time when it rings.
● Set aside “computer free” parts of the day. If your computer use starts after dinner and extends into the night, get all your computer work done in the morning and don’t touch it after dinner.
● Install software to restrict your access to Web sites that you visit compulsively. Find a friend you can trust to keep the passwords for the software so that you can’t circumvent it.
● Make a list of things you could be accomplishing instead of wasting time on the computer and post it prominently near your monitor.
● Enlist family members to help encourage you to limit your use. It might be difficult to stop on your own.
● Put the computer in high traffic area in the house. With others looking over your shoulder all the time, you’ll be less likely to overuse the computer. This is especially effective for parents who fear excessive use in their children.HOW PERVASIVE IS THE PROBLEM?
Exact statistics on the rate of computer addiction are not available. The problem is not classified as a specific disorder, so there are no diagnostic criteria for determining addiction. Psychology professor Dr. Kimberly S.Young conducted an unscientific survey of Internet users to see how many of them self-identified as Internet addicts.

Dr. Young, who is one of the strongest supporters of the “computer addiction is a real addiction” school of thought, found thateighty percent of the people who responded to her survey considered themselves Internet addicts. It is impossible to extrapolate that number into any meaningful statistic, though Young considers it a sign of a “potential epidemic.” [Source: YOUNG- http://www.howstuffworks.com]

If you or anyone you love has a problem limiting your time on the computer and such use is interfering with your life, do consider seeking help. Join any one of the self-help groups formed to address this issue (though, most assuredly, not one on the Internet!) and/or consult your family physician or an addictions counselor.

I hope this is helpful to those of you who may be questioning your own use of the computer or that of a loved one ... and that reading this will clarify its problems and consequences.

Best of luck! And please do visit my new website, http://www.applemanshapiro.com.

THE DEVELOPING BRAIN

2010-07-25T01:54:00.037-04:00

As those of you who follow my blog know, I prefer to be holistic in my approach to just about everything, not least of all the mind-body connection combining the wisdom of the East with that of the West.

Having said that, I should also add that I have deep respect for the work and writings of Deepak Chopra. The voluminous number of books (more than 50) that he has penned as well as the various centers and projects that bear his name all speak for themselves; but, on a more personal note, I had the extreme pleasure of being Chopra’s guest in the late 1980’s at his center (which no longer exists, much to my regret) in Massachusetts. It was a time when he had read a chapter I had written in the N.L.P. casebook, LEAVES BEFORE THE WIND, and,I wrote specifically about the hands-on healing I was doing, using the Neurolinguistic Programming model.

Staying at his center for a long weekend (in a beautiful guest room that he made available to me and to my husband) was a life-altering experience. From the incredibly planted gardens that surrounded us to the Ayurvedic whole body massages which I received daily, I felt totally at peace. Also, the dinners served to the patients who came for healings (as well as to us, his guests) were all simple and healthy meals. Beautiful wild flowers on the table and the imposed quiet during meal-times helped everyone’s food to be properly digested. All in all, I felt truly gifted. I have taken that memory with me as one takes a still photo that never ages in the mind. So, yes, I have a bias in favor of the man and his philosophy.

Therefore, when I happened to turn on the television last week after a long day’s work and saw Chopra on the Larry King show along with Alex King (no relation to the TV host), I watched the entire program and was fascinated with the premise presented about the developing brain. I’d like to share it here, in turn, with those of you who may have missed it or who may not be familiar with the case.

Alex & Derek King are two brothers who were convicted of murdering their father, when they were children. Now, almost nine years later, Alex King appeared on the program with an update about life after prison, moving on, and his attempt to help other young people stop violence.

Alex is being helped to attend college in Florida, and he is helping Dr. Chopra reach young people throughout the world with Chopra's "I Take The Vow" campaign to eliminate violence from their thoughts, speech and actions.

Part of Chopra's mission is to help facilitate their transition from prison to lives of freedom and self-responsibility. They, in turn, are doing so through service to other young people with histories and situations similar to their own.

While there are many people, no doubt, who believe that these boys - and all children found guilty of murder - should never be given a second chance, I suggest that from all that we are learning from the research done on the developing brain, we follow Chopra's lead and likewise advocate for re-training the brain.

Along with Alex, Dr. Chopra is aiming to achieve a critical mass of 100 million people worldwide who will take a vow of nonviolence, and thereby, they believe, they will change the course of history.

Derek, too, is creating an adventure company in the mountains of Texas to provide camping and hiking gear and, in collaboration with other regional businesses, other adventure products and services. His company, WANDERVOGEL.com, is based on helping visitors to Big Bend—especially young people—experience freedom, self-responsibility & adventure.

How wonderful it would be if we as a society could understand that the developing brain of a child is just that - developing. It is not fully formed. And the studies, to date, prove that more than 90% of those children accused of horrific crimes have themselves been victims of violence and abuse which, in turn, has led them to mimic exactly how they had been treated or worse.

In an ideal world, of course, we would be able to protect all children from situations of extreme adversity/abuse and thereby prevent a myriad of heinous crimes. But, until such a time, we must follow carefully the lives of boys such as the King brothers and see if, in fact, it was not – as some would like to believe – that they were “bad” boys born with “bad” genes and not the opposite - that their environment caused the wiring in their brains to become twisted and forced them to perpetuate the evil that had become their norm.

Of course, I can’t know – nor do I suppose Chopra knows, for sure – what happened to the boys prior to the time when they admittedly murdered their father. Yet, it is worth noting the good they are attempting to accomplish as Chopra gives their lives meaning, dignity and honor and others are taking them under their wings unconditionally. With the opportunity to fulfill what indeed may be promising potentials, we will learn much from the choices they make and from how they live the remainder of their lives.

I, for one, am rooting for them. I totally support all those who are continuing to study the developing brain, attempting all the while to find out how we can best affect that development so that no child ever has to feel that his or her only option is to murder an oppressor, be it a parent or anyone else.

This must give us all pause for thought, if we are ever to have a society where sanity and safety prevail, especially for our children!

Do share your thoughts with me, even if you disagree.

Yours,
Linda

2010-07-18T03:03:00.032-04:00

"THE MENTAL HEALTH IDEAS WE EXPORT TO THE WORLD ARE RARELY UNADULTERATED SCIENTIFIC FACTS AND NEVER CULTURALLY NEUTRAL ..."
Ethan WattersDuring my first placement at a mental health facility, I remember all too vividly the clinical director informing the staff that we must never make the mistake of mis-diagnosing immigrants. The specific example that was cited was that of an Asian woman who had been improperly diagnosed and treated for schizophrenia based on two factors: (1) her English was poor, so, in not fully understanding any of the questions asked, her responses were disjointed, her affect was that of someone staring into space – perhaps hearing voices - but definitely not being in the moment and totally unable to advocate for herself, except to make it clear that she was experiencing emotional distress and (2) because she never made eye contact with the treating therapist -and it was not understood that in her culture it was considered disrespectful to look into the eyes of a stranger - she was mis-diagnosed and treated for schizophrenic, when what she was suffering from was post partum depression.

Everyone in our class sat there in disbelief. And, that was only one story. Apparently, such diagnoses were occurring all too frequently to various people from different ethnic and religious backgrounds.

On a personal level, I remember feeling outraged upon hearing that trained clinicians were mis-diagnosing and therefore mis-treating persons from different countries and/or cultures, treating the wrong condition and/or disease with the wrong medication and or therapy. For me, this hit too close to home, since my mother had been one such immigrant years earlier, and I knew how victimized she had felt by a system that objectified her (and thereby dehumanized her), often –or so she felt – using her as a guinea pig.

So, in my own small corner of the world, I attempted to educate myself further so that I would never be guilty of such errors. But, the longer I remained in the field, the more I became aware of just how ignorant and, yes, arrogant we in the West truly are when it concerns the psychology of other cultures.

In fact, on the same subject, I have been thinking about an article I read some months ago in the New York Times and feel remiss in not having addressed it sooner.

The article, "The Americanization of Mental Illness," appeared as an essay from Ethan Watters’ then soon to be published book, Crazy Like Us: The Globalization of the American Psyche.
When I started to read the essay, I remembered my days as a graduate student and a book edited by Gloria McGoldrick and Joseph Giordano that addressed the need to treat differently those whose cultural heritage is not that of our own. That was nearly thirty years ago, and yet we still suffer – perhaps even more so – from the ignorance that propelled the authors to contribute to our field of knowledge by writing ETHNICITY AND FAMILY THERAPY (now in its 3rd edition).

To begin, I fully agreed with one of Watters opening remarks: “We have for many years been busily engaged in a project of Americanizing the world’s understanding of mental health and illness. We may indeed be far along in homogenizing the way the world goes mad.”
Because I feel so passionately about this problem, I am going to offer a synopsis of what Watters claims and ask that you take it to heart and do whatever you are able to do to make sure that no one you love who is suffering from a mental disorder has to suffer unnecessarily!

“In any given era,” Watters writes, “those who minister to the mentally ill –doctors or shamans or priests – inadvertently help to select which symptoms will be recognized as legitimate. Because the troubled mind has been influenced by healers of diverse religious and scientific persuasions, the forms of madness from one place and time often look remarkably different from the forms of madness in another ... We in the West have aggressively spread our modern knowledge of mental illness around the world. We have done this in the name of science, believing that our approaches reveal the biological basis of psychic suffering and dispel prescientific myths and harmful stigma. There is now good evidence to suggest that in the process of teaching the rest of the world to think like us, we’ve been exporting our Western ‘symptom repertoire’ as well.”

He goes on to conclude that “we’ve been changing not only the treatments but also the expression of mental illness in other countries, referring to depression, anorexia and post-traumatic stress disorder among others. Also, he concludes that “it now appears to be spreading across cultures with the speed of contagious diseases. ”

He cites Dr. Sin Lee, a psychiatrist and researcher at the Chinese University of Hong Kong, who documented a rare and culturally specific form of anorexia nervosa in Hong Kong. Unlike American anorexics, Dr. Lee's patients did not intentionally diet nor did they express a fears of becoming fat. Their description of their problem was specifically somatic, complaining mainly of feeling bloated, which made it painful for them to eat, and the cases he saw were rare, even at that. The public’s understanding only shifted when a teen-aged girl collapsed and died. Then, when the Chinese reporters “copied, the causes and meaning of what was referred to as her “disorder” directly from American diagnostic manuals” everything changed. Western ideas did not simply obscure the understanding of anorexia in Hong Kong; they absolutely changed the expression of the illness itself. For while Dr. Lee had at the time been seeing two to three anorexic patients per year, by the late 1990’s he was seeing that many cases and more each month. “New patients appeared to be conforming their experience of anorexia to the Western version of the disease.”

I don’t think that Watters or any of us would deny the value of many of the scientific advances that have been made in the past fifty years. Yet, I agree that our diagnostic manual cannot and must not be a guide for the world’s psyche.

“The assumption,” he continues, “is that remarkable scientific advances have allowed modern-day practitioners to avoid the blind spots and cultural biases .....”What is being missed - and what Lee cites very clearly - is a deeper understanding of "how the expectations and beliefs of the sufferer shape their suffering." He states that professsionals and the media are all guilty of publicizing - and often glamorizing - not only eating disorders, but all disorders. In doing so, a variety of pathologies are triggered (consciously or unconsciously) by volunerable people who then identify with those whom they read about.

In the end, what cross-cultural psychiatrists and anthropologists have to tell us is that "mental illnesses, including depression, P.T.S.D. and even schizophrenia, can be every bit as influenced by cultural beliefs and expectations today as hysterical-leg paralysis or the vapors ... or any other mental illness ever experienced in the history of human madness. This does not mean that these illnesses and the pain associated with them are not real, or that sufferers deliberately shape their symptoms to fit a certain cultural niche. It means that a mental illness is an illness of the mind and cannot be understood without understanding the ideas, habits and predispositions – the idiosyncratic cultural trappings – of the mind that is its host.”

In short: What we export to the world about our ideas of mental health ideas "are rarely unadulterated scientific facts and never culturally neutral. ... Some philosophers and psychiatrists have suggested that we are investing our great wealth in researching and treating mental illness – medicalizing ever larger swaths of human experience – because we have lost older belief systems that once gave meaning and context to mental suffering."

He is adamant about saying that : "Offering the latest Western mental health theories, treatments and categories in an attempt to ameliorate the psychological stress sparked by modernization and globalization is not a solution; it may be part of the problem. When we undermine local conceptions of the self and modes of healing, we may be speeding along the disorienting changes that are at the very heart of much of the world’s mental distress.”

Given the extreme stress created by the failing economy, the world’s ever increasing natural disasters and wars on every continent, we, in the West and others throughout the world must become sensitive and knowledgeable about how our traditions influence us in every aspect of our lives. Yes, we are all human, but our different beliefs, rituals and understanding of the human condition must be addressed, if we are not to rob one another of what makes us unique and if we are to promote better health for one and all.

The greatest good will come from our working together to create less chaos and to develop more resources for treating and, ultimately, eradicating debilitating/chronic physical and mental diseases.

Do let me know if you agree!

Yours,
Linda

2010-07-11T08:20:00.035-04:00

IRONY and LINDSAY LOHAN'S LIFE

How ironic! The talented, precocious young actress, Lindsay Lohan at twelve, was cast in the double role of twin daughters in the romantic, fairy tale re-make of the original 1961 film, THE PARENT TRAP. Ironic, because now at twenty-four, she is the one who is totally trapped! If only she could magically produce a double of herself - a saner, non-addicted, non-law offending woman - not the one who is soon to serve time in jail, followed by months in rehab.

I doubt that any serious statistics are available comparing the percentage of the rich and famous who become addicts and those in the general population. However, it is certainly true that the price for fame is often that we see too much about the private lives of those who are famous; we read about them and become overly involved in their successes as well as their failures and tragedies.

Surely, there are many young talented artists in every genre who are not victims of addiction or of lives gone completely out of control. But their stories don’t sell papers or blanket our television screens.Addiction is a complex disease: Physiological, genetic, psychosocial, nutritional and environmental factors are often thought to lead to the development of this disorder.

In Lohan’s case, we have to wonder if being lauded at such a young age – starting to model at age three and acting not long thereafter – whether she even stood a chance of beating the odds. Even now, every lawyer, judge, addictions specialist, as well as the public, is left questioning whether this sentencing of jail time followed by months in a Rehab will make the difference that makes a difference!

In February when I wrote about my concerns for Tiger Woods and anyone who’s in the spotlight being able to “recover” in the fullest sense of the word, I say here, too, that I have the same – if not greater concern about Lindsey Lohan. Why? Because she’s younger, because her drugs of choice are many, and because in gaining fame at such a young age she never experienced a normal family life or the normal joys of being a child or overcoming the challenges of adolescence and young adulthood. In short, she never has lived and still does not live in the same world as most of us do. I accentuate “normal,” only to clarify that her normal was: a life seemingly filled with false impressions and the belief that whatever she wanted she could get and whatever she did would be acceptable and excused because, after all, she was Lindsey Lohan. As with Tiger Woods and other celebrities, I truly believe that it’s harder rather than easier for them to free themselves of their demons, to take recovery seriously enough to realize that their very life is at stake (if not the lives of others). Again, I repeat what I said about Tiger Woods: staying focused while the entire world is watching – and while not everyone is truly rooting for you – is no small task.

We all know that life and growing up aren’t easy at best, but for those who aren’t grounded in reality, who are flying high because the world has objectified them and their personhood has gotten lost in the mix – they’re left to soar (with or without drugs!) and then to drop all the harder.

Watching Lohan in the courtroom this past week was nothing short of pathetic and painful. A beautiful, young, talented woman who seemingly convinced herself that the judge would buy her story that she never expected special treatment and that she respected the court, when her contempt for the law has been evident as far back as in 2007 when she lied about possessing drugs and drinking during her DUI arrest.

That she has now been sentenced to ninety days in jail is something that the judge had to do, if she was to be law abiding. However, statistically, serving time in jail (no matter how the number of days may or may not ultimately be reduced) will do little, if anything, to cleanse Lohan of her addictions. First, she has to be treated for withdrawal and not all jails do that. Even if the one she’s placed in does, we then have to hope that she survives being in jail. She’s not a tough, street-smart junkie. She’s rich, famous, and, like all addicts, terribly fragile. Add to that, she has never had to live without the necessities – let alone the luxuries – of life. Those who are less fortunate may find it hard to pity her, but I suggest that she needs as much help as any addict for that very reason. There is nothing enviable about her life at this time!

The mandate that she stay in Rehab for six months after serving her jail term is more likely to offer her the possibility of becoming abstinent, taking her recovery and her life seriously. Unfortunately, though, from all that I have read, it doesn’t seem likely that this young woman will be able to avoid the people, places or things that have continuously caused her to relapse. My fear is that the same world of the paparazzi, the lights of the cameras, the people who want her money and not what is best for her, will continue to trigger her need for drugs, feeding her disease rather than helping her to heal.

There are many wonderful young performers and artists of every ilk who are not addicts. Those like Lohan, however, who start to self-medicate at an early age, lose total sight of the transparency of their behavior, their choices, their lack of self-respect and respect for others. They are simultaneously self-centered and insecure, grandiose in their thinking and destructive in their actions. All that makes them less likely to succeed, to stay clean and to be able to turn their lives around.

I have treated many addicts who have taken their recovery very seriously and have gone on to live honorable lives, but I do think that when someone’s in the spotlight – as Tiger (amongst others) will no doubt continue to be and Lindsay certainly is – their chance for success is slimmer, not greater, because there are more distractions for those who are famous. Staying focused while the entire world is watching makes it far more daunting, the stakes far higher.

I also believe it will be harder for Lohan because she is a woman, because she has been sexualized since she was very young, and because her family of origin is not merely dysfunctional but at odds with one another about Lindsay and about what’s in her best interest.

Who amongst us can truly regain health without the support of a medical community, the community of those who love us ... and a prayer or two?

Naturally, I hope that she survives her stay in jail and that she is placed in the best possible rehabilitation facility, totally secluded from the paparazzi ... with time to find herself, her inner beauty, and her strength. Without that she will remain lost or worse.
The best medication for any addict is the medication of love, guidance, spirituality, and the desire to become and remain abstinent without believing that the world revolves around them but that they – like the rest of us – must have the capacity to reflect upon their values and know that there are very real consequences for illegal actions that place their own life at risk as well as the lives of others.

My heart goes out to Lohan. I wish that we could create a healthy twin for her, both of whom she played so convincingly, so astutely in the film. But, she is no longer a precocious child star. She is a very troubled and desperate young woman who needs all the help she can get.

To any of you who may have a problem with drugs or addictions of any kind, I hope you have people in your life who know how best to get you the help that you deserve.

Yours,
Linda

"INDEPENDENCE FOR ALL"

2010-07-04T18:11:00.005-04:00

With a feeling of freedom, unencumbered by or subservient to the imposed values of others, America declared its independence from Britain in 1776 and democracy was given a new meaning. That was more that 200 years ago and I believe - though we are far from perfect - we are still the greatest democracy in the world.

However, rather than enter into a polemic about American history, I'd like to stretch the metaphor beyond today's 4th of July parades and all the celebratory hoopla. Rather - and perhaps because I grew up as a child of immigrants here in "the land of the free" - I wish to address the inherent need for every person to enjoy feelings of independence.

To be fully and emotionally healthy human beings, we need to be able to experience independence in our everyday lives: in school, in the workplace, in relationships between friends, husbands and wives, as well as those between family members.

Since none of us lives in a vacuum, we are responsible to others as well as to ourselves, and we are known to others by our deeds and the morals we uphold. In healthy, mature relationships, we give as much as we take and we consider the needs of others as well as those of our own without prejudice or judgement or with as little prejudice and judgment as is humanly possible.

In unhealthy relationships, one person (or one nation) is rigid - needing to see everything in black and white, believing there's only one right way to resolve any and all conflicts - and, in so being, diminishes others, holding them victim in order to gain feelings of superiority and, ultimately, to feel in control.

However, in healthier situations, independence offers all people - whether born in the same or different countries, the same or different families - an equal opportunity to do what they want, when they want to do it, taking nothing away from the other, and finding times to come together, sharing freely and respectfully.

So, on this July 4th, my hope is that all nations at war and all people who are determined to destroy rather than to uphold the most decent aspects of democracy (including the ability to live independently with the wisdom to exist inter-dependently personally and collectively) are defeated by those of us who wish for mutual respect and consideration for all.

Is such a wish too idealistic? Probably! But where would we be if our founding fathers had not been idealistic and had not fought to uphold all that has brought us to where we are today? Despite all our problems, we still have so much for which to feel grateful!

I hope you are all enjoying this 4th of July weekend!

Yours
~ Linda

WHEN MUSIC FEEDS THE SOUL AND PASSION HEALS THE HEART

2010-06-27T00:38:00.032-04:00

Named as one of the "gifted young violinists who are among the vanguard leading the march of violin art into the 21st century..." ANAT MALKIN ALMANISo few events these days are able to take us out of ourselves - away from the threat of war on every continent, the economic crisis world-wide, the increase in crime, poverty, natural and man-made disasters - that to be treated to an evening of bliss was a rare and much appreciated occasion.

The setting was perfect!

A small town Gothic church with stained glass windows aglow with vibrant colors; cool, almost-summer-breezes filling the air with the fresh scent of blooming flowers, while one by one and couple by couple the rows were peopled with everyone there for the same reason: to be entertained, to listen to musicians playing their instruments.

The program of the evening included: Beethoven’s Piano Sonata No.32 in C minor, Op.111,
Chopin’s Sonata for Cello and Piano in G Minor, Op. 65 CT.204 and Cesar Franck’s Sonata for Violin and Piano in A Major.

I wish I could say that I am well versed in music. Unfortunately, I am not. Yet, I do - as most people, I assume – know what pleases me and what doesn’t, what excites me and what comforts me. With Cullen Bryant at the piano playing Beethoven; Julia Lighten, cellist and Christopher Oldfather, pianist, playing Chopin; and Anat Malkin Almani, violinist with Joanne Polk, pianist playing Franck; I found myself swept into swirls of images, memories awakened, first quickly, then slowly, but always in a state of consciousness that went beyond consciousness. The universal language of music with its sounds and rhythms filled not merely my ears but my soul … reaching heights seldom reached in the daily life of mundane meanderings.

Creating music as intensely lovely as love itself, we, in the audience, were suspended, taken along with the sweet and the sorrowful, the shrill and the soft sounds that both grounded us and allowed us to soar, as the pianist’s fingers climbed the keys of ivory and black and the violinist’s bow gracefully embraced its instrument, swaying all the while as we sat, separately and yet connected by the music – centuries old – but then, in the moment, new and nuanced. Barely noticing when a page was turned, we who listened became enraptured with the rapture.

If only governments and world leaders who opt to have their soldiers fight and murder in the name of religion, in the name of greed, in the name of all that is anything but holy ... if only they could be driven by the passion that allows composers to create and musicians to play, perhaps then the world that I so long for – a world of peace, harmony, and beauty - could rule without prejudice or judgement but communicate through talent in ways that feed the soul and simultaneously excite and soothe the heart. How uncluttered by trivia and disaster, evil and envy our lives would be! How thrilling and magnificent life could be!

Yet, when the final piece was performed, not even Anat Malkin Almani’s palpable halo of joy and accomplishment could follow us out into a new and better world. Whatever we heard that filled our heads and warmed our hearts would have to remain inside each of us. We could not spread its magic across the world. Perhaps if we could – in my imagined perfect world – we could change the course of history.

To all those brilliant performers, I express my personal gratitude. For that evening, at least, I was transported. I was fully alive and in the moment, purely and unabashedly enjoying myself. I dedicate this blog to the healing power of music and the need for each of us to find healing wherever, however, we are able to do so!

With best wishes for a wonder-filled week.

Yours,
Linda

PEOPLE WHO INSPIRE US

2010-06-20T01:30:00.010-04:00

In the past, I have devoted this day, FATHER’S DAY, to honoring fathers and, of course, I do so today, as well, wishing a grand day for all fathers - my husband, not least of all - who are being celebrated.

I’m devoting this blog, however, to one written recently by Therese Borchard, a woman who never ceases to amaze and inspire me. Her daily blog, Beyond Blue, is not a personal confessional. Although she does write very courageously about her personal demons, she often cites books and blogs she has read, people she has met – all in the hope of sharing what has helped her and what she hopes will help others. She has also authored "BEYOND BLUE: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes" and "THE POCKET THERAPIST: An Emotional Survival Kit," in addition to moderating an on-line depression support group, Beyond Blue.

With her permission, I am sharing her blog of June 16, 2010: STRONG AT THE BROKEN PLACES: ON LIVING BRAVELY WITH CHRONIC ILLNESS.I trust you will find her comments and references to be as helpful and inspiring as I did. Her voice and her message is what compelled me to give it even broader exposure by re-printing it here. In fact, I am doing what she does and what she and others have been generous enough to do for me.

This particular blog resonated with me as I have suffered from chronic migraines most of my adult life. Although I consider myself to be an advocate for mental health, and my book, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS: A Psychotherapist’s Journey Into and Beyond Her Mother’s Mental Illness, is my story of early childhood trauma and the need to interrupt the cycle of family dysfunction, I have yet to write about the debilitating, life-altering struggle anyone living with chronic illness and/or pain experiences.

For those readers who do not suffer from debilitating emotional or physical pain, this is not meant to depress you but to help you to better understand the challenges faced by people whom you may care deeply about but have not been able to appreciate what their lives are like each day they live with chronic pain.

As I believe that education should always serve to free us from ignorance and to expand our understanding of what it means to be truly human, it is in that spirit that I share Therese’s blog.

From: BEYOND BLUE, posted Wednesday, June 16, 2010
I love this man. Richard Cohen. I love him. His mantra is mine. His hope I cling to. He inspires me. He tells the story of coping with his multiple sclerosis and colon cancer in his New York Times bestseller, "Blindsided: Lifting a Life Above Illness." A while back, he came out with a fascinating book, "Strong at the Broken Places: Voices of Illness, a Chorus of Hope," profiling five brave persons battling illness. Writes Richard, "These are the faces of illness in America. Do not look away. The characters may surprise you, even shatter a stereotype or two. They are people, not cases, survivors, not victims. Quite simply, they are us. they carry shared resolve, a determination to survive. To flourish."

I read parts of the book two years ago. I was especially intrigued and awed by Larry Frick's story. Diagnosed in 1984 with bipolar disorder, he spent much of the mid 80s in and out of mental hospitals. Now he's a mental health professional (that's an understatement ... he spoke at a White House conference where the first surgeon general's report on mental health was released). I will have the honor of meeting Larry in person in a few weeks, which is why I pulled out the book again. Upon reading it, I knew that I had to share it with you all. Below I excerpt from Richard's preface.

"We, the injured, are everywhere. We are fast becoming a nation of the sick. The numbers do not lie. Chronic illness has become the silent flood, flowing slowly, steadily under our doors. We tumble in slow-motion from safe ground, twisting and struggling to survive in a cold sea of all that we once were and can be no more.

Chronic conditions attack body and spirit, assaulting the quality of our lives. Some are life-threatening. All are life-altering. Ever so slowly, moment by moment, function and sensation cease. Muscles and nerves malfunction. The body's processes grow difficult. Our view of ourselves as normal human beings making our way in a neutral world is challenged as, in the eyes of others, we become our illnesses.

Chronic conditions do not resolve themselves. Unlike terminal illnesses, there is no high drama with these diseases. They are not sexy, and are little noticed or understood by an unknowing public that would prefer not to think about them. Those who are hit hard know the frustration of being marginalized, reduced, and pushed to the side by these chilly attitudes. We are handed a cocktail of condescension and a basket of doubts about our limitations. The crisis of confidence that follows can be contagious and soon affects every part of our being.

With chronic illness, every facet of a once-robust life is overtaken and redefined. From the ability to find and hold jobs to the capacity to build and sustain personal relationships, the facts of a sick person's world change dramatically. The slow slide down carries us, and we lose control.

Still, we go on. We double the effort, for what is the option? Too often, we remain silent. We are a hidden population, invisible except to ourselves and those who love us. When I wrote Blindsided, I felt alienated and isolated. I now know I am not alone. Many travel the same road, and common ground lies beneath our feet.

We have so much at stake and so much to say, but it can take years of battle with our own demons to recognize the power of what we have to offer each other. Nobody will speak for us with the authority we bring to our own stories. Where so many among us find the resolve and the inner strength to rise up and keep going is a mystery to me. That we do serves as pure inspiration...

Hemingway had it right. If the world is not the enemy, neither is it our friend. In the end, no matter who surrounds us, we travel alone. Our friends and loved ones are there, providing an infrastructure of love and support. But courage must be drawn from within. Let the world see us as we see ourselves and have the faith to permit us do it our way.”

Here’s to having faith ... and may we all feel empowered to succeed by doing it “our way!”

Yours,
Linda

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

2010-06-13T00:07:00.006-04:00

Reading the title of this blog will no doubt take each of you to different places in your mind, conjuring up different images of where I may be leading you. And perhaps where I am taking you is not even to an image or experience that we share. I hope, though, that its implicit meaning will still resonate with you.

What's in a name has a very special meaning for me these days. You see, I recently sewed name labels onto my grandson's camp clothing and, in so doing, I not only became nostalgic but came to the rude awakening that a third generation of campers, and mothers of campers was perpetuating itself. Time was passing! Time is passing ... and with it comes all the joys and fears and anticipation of what's yet to come.

For now, though, I'm taken back to my family's 4 rooms in Brighton Beach, Brooklyn, where my mother - when I was 12 and going to sleep-away camp for the first time - sat at our kitchen table, licking the tips of endless threads of white sewing cotton, placing each through what appeared to be a very tiny eye of a needle, but gracefully, gently and in what seemed as though she was doing so at the speed of lightening time, she sewed on one label and then another until all my clothes and other belongings had my name sewn on, identifying each as belonging to me and me alone.

I did the same for each of my daughters when they left for summer camps, but as I'm doing so now, it's different. It's a marking of time! This time it's a grandson who's about to experience the wonders and excitement of being away from home for the first time - hopefully without too many fears experienced by him or by his parents - as he's with campers and counselors and no parents to console or cajole him.

On the one hand, a part of me can't believe he's old enough to be going away from home, if only for a month. It seems but a moment ago that we rushed to the hospital the day he was born and experienced the inexplicable joy that grandparents around the world experience. The joy of wonder and excitement and, yes, almost disbelief because it reminds us that yet another generation is here and we are, indeed, becoming the elders.

And, so, as the ritual of sewing on labels continues, I'm now helping to do so on my daughter's kitchen table. With each pair of socks, swim suits, polos, shorts, sweat shirts, bed linens, and towels ... an ancient memory, a moment in time surfaces: I'm tucking in the corners of the sheets of my bunk bed, row boating on the camp's lake, swimming when the heat of the day became oppressive, getting my hands delightfully covered in clay or paint doing arts and crafts, playing volley ball, talking with a counselor about a girl who had hurt the feelings of one of my friends ... so many memories floating to the surface through the eye of my needle ... memories of being in a paradise of sorts. An entirely new world without parents telling me what to eat and what not to eat, and having the freedom to write home whenever I felt in the mood to do so ... as well as looking forward to receiving letters from family and friends.

One or another of us campers became homesick at times, but, fortunately, it never lasted. We'd be interrupted with yet another activity and, in the end, it was - for me, at least - a fantasy time, a taste of a new reality in which my only job was to have fun.

So, during these days of sewing camp labels and seeing my grandson's name in print hundreds of times ... with each label, I offer another hug, a silent prayer and wish for him to have a wonderful experience in this new, next chapter of his life.

If my needle with its white thread could speak, it would be saying: HERE'S TO ERIC AND TO ALL FIRST-TIME CAMPERS IN THIS SUMMER OF 2010!

And to all children who are lucky enough to go to sleep-away camps - private ones as well as those sponsored by organizations and philanthropists for those whose families (such as mine was) who can't afford to offer their children a camping experience - I extend heart-felt wishes for a wonderful summer. I hope it's one free of the rigors of the classroom and chaos of the world around us; free from the competitiveness of fighting for a parent's attention or wanting a play date with a friend who has already planned to have one with somebody else.

I hope the summer allows all children the pleasure of feeling independent, enjoying the warm and sometimes rainy days of July and August ... and for those who go away to camp, I hope they return home with fond memories, funny stories and feeling eager to return again once school ends next year!

For adults who remember summers of camping, I wonder how many of us would wish to re-live them - well, at least, some of them - grateful to our parents for having the courage to let us go and to ourselves for being brave enough to want to go.

With warm summer regards to everyone - not least of whom to parents, grandparents, and, of course, to children every where.

Yours,
Linda

TRAUMAS UNTREATED TREAT US WITH REVERBERATIONS OF ANGUISH

2010-06-06T02:11:00.010-04:00

As oil gushes from the depths of the ocean spilling onto the beaches of the gulf, wreaking havoc with the environment, I'm reminded how repressed memories of trauma can spill out unexpectedly from the depths of our psyches, wreaking havoc with our internal environment.

Without the benefit of early treatment, the currents of our daily lives are as easily affected, leaking out in unexpected ways, overwhelming us, leaving us as paralyzed as the dazed, oil-soaked pelicans we see being swept ashore.

Since trauma of any kind is, by its very definition, "a psychological injury," it's never wise to assume that it has healing powers of its own. In fact, our minds DO have memory cells, and though we may wish to bury terrible and traumatic events, their effect upon our psyche and our soma leaks out with or without our permission. Repressed, untreated trauma and its attendant emotions affect self-esteem and impedes the development of a mature sense of self. It governs our expectations of others as well as those for ourselves.

I am not speaking here of the most horrific traumas such as violent sexual abuse or acts of political terrorism directed against groups of innocent people. In such instances, there is much warranted controversy in the psychiatric community regarding how best to treat post traumatic shock of that nature.

For anyone interested in understanding the wounds suffered by such survivors and for the finest available treatment, I refer you to one of the most respected books addressing P.T.S.D. - Dr. Judith Herman’s “TRAUMA and RECOVERY: The Aftermath of Violence. For others who may be seeking actual treatment, I urge you to do so with psychiatrists or psychotherapists specifically trained in the area of PTSD and only after having a consultation to see whether or not you feel safe in their presence and trust their method of communicating with you.

For the purpose of this blog, however, my goal is not to have anyone re-live a trauma for the sake of being re-victimized. I’m speaking primarily of the great majority of “survivors” such as myself whose early life trauma needed tending to if patterns of dysfunction were to be interrupted.

As the child of a mother who suffered from chronic bouts of major depression, most days throughout my childhood and adolescence were traumatic and were filled with the anxiety of living life on high alert.

Other reasons - in addition to mine - why and how childhood traumatization occur and continue to affect people in adulthood are many. They include the illness and/or death of a sibling, the divorce of parents which tears a family apart, and children who are made to feel as though they are pawns used by adults to settle adult scores. If those who suffer from such traumas turn to addiction to self-medicate their pain, they are further robbed of internal resources and dignity. When lucky enough to achieve abstinence, they must still learn how to re-enter the world without their drug of choice, with new found sanity, and the ability to make wise choices while resisting old familiar, habitual and destructive behaviors.

I have yet to meet anyone who has been given a free pass after being traumatized, whatever the trauma may have been. For those like myself who are high functioning “survivors,” I believe it’s impossible to move past whatever traumatized us without an early commitment to therapy – and not just in moments of crisis. What needs to be understood is that emotional energy is blocked during times of trauma. Learning how to release the energy which prevented us from developing healthy patterns of behavior while trauma enveloped us is what is needed in order to move forward. Only then is healing possible.

Additional techniques such as Yoga, T’ai Chi, Hypnosis, Bio-Feedback, and 12-Step programs are other healing tools which help to develop, a healthy, sustaining persona.

In the end, though, we are a species with the ability to speak and to communicate through the use of language. Yet, if how we communicate and how we make decisions is clouded by the leaden weight of trauma, the impact of our injury if gone unattended can leave us stuck at the very age we were when the trauma occurred, utilizing survival mechanisms that no longer help us as adults.

The first step towards healing is accepting that what was experienced was not normal. The second is recognizing the devastating affects of decisions made while using childhood defenses to serve adult patterns of behavior, even while failing us time and again. The goal, therefore, is to swallow the pill needed to be swallowed if we are to find the courage to move through and beyond the pain to resiliency and recovery.

Interrupting family dysfunction and treating emotional wounds with the same lack of guilt or embarrassment used to receive treatment for physical wounds is the door that needs to be opened.

Life will not be perfect once that door is opened, but it surely will be significantly better, mindfully wiser and definitely worthier of being lived.

For a myriad of available resources, simply go to your browser and travel the road to resources addressing TRAUMA. They will help you to come out of hiding from whatever may have traumatized you or someone you know. Knowledge gained and truths revealed will free you and make you healthier, more constructive members of society as well as better role models for those who are struggling to find solutions to life’s ever changing challenges.

Here's to proper treatment, health beyond trauma, and an end to the pollution of our seas and our souls.

Yours,
Linda

“REMEMBERANCE OF THINGS PAST” ... AND HONORING THE PRESENT!

2010-05-30T09:49:00.041-04:00

No matter what political party we support, and no matter what our position may be on the wars being fought by our young men and women in the service today or in the past, I think it’s a sad statement of our times that we take such insufficient care of those who return home severely injured physically or mentally. The monetary compensation awarded to them and to their families as well as the medical care given them is often all too little and all too inadequate. For those who have lost their lives fighting in the name of democracy and in defense of our nation, even the traditional observance of this one day of the year, Memorial Day, is no longer what it once was. And I do feel it’s regrettable that for so many it has become just another long weekend (originally it was just this one day, May 30th) to take advantage of sales and to barbeque, with little, if any attention paid to those who died in too many wars fighting for our country.

Some of you may not even know the history of Memorial Day. Perhaps you’re too young to remember the pomp and ceremony afforded it years ago. Perhaps you’ve never read about it in your history classes.

Yet, I can recall being taught – from the earliest days of attending elementary school – that Memorial Day was originally called Decoration Day in memory of all the southern women who decorated the graves of soldiers killed in battle even before the Civil War ended. In fact, when I was a child Memorial Day and Decoration Day were referred to interchangeably.

There are still cities which host yearly parades. Politicians and family members are afforded the opportunity to speak, thereby remembering and honoring their loved ones. However, it is also true that there are many today who have either forgotten or never actually knew the meaning of this day. I’ve read that several even believe that the day is for honoring all who are dead and not just those who have died in battle.
*************************************************************
When I was growing up in the 1940s and 50s (at least in the 5 boroughs of New York) there was a yearly assembly program which the entire student body of every public school was required to attend. We would stand, sing the national anthem, and then lower our heads respectfully – as we were told we must – to honor all who had died fighting for our democracy, the greatest nation on earth, the United States of America.

It was a meaningful though somber and dramatic day.

For me, though, it was a day in which I wasn't able to truly celebrate my birthday. Just as today is officially Memorial Day, it is also my birthday ... and, though I know myself to be a patriotic American, I also remember a childhood deprived of experiencing the joy one likes to associate with happy occasions.

In fact, had this day fallen on any other day than the day of my birthday, I undoubtedly would have appreciated it with the appropriateness it deserved. But, because my mother was sick so often – suffering as she did from bouts of severe depression – she was unable to host parties for me, and the best I could hope for was to celebrate with my friends in school. Yet, even there, in the one place where I so longed to experience happiness outside our “four rooms,” the one place where I sought safety and solace as a child, even there my birthday was diminished by a gray cloud of national mourning.

I stood - as everyone else did - and participated in the school assembly, wearing the birthday corsage my friends had made for me. As was the custom then, we girls made one another corsages every year. Each was intertwined with pretty ribbons and pinned to the shoulder of the birthday girl’s dress. When I was ten, my corsage was made of lollipops. Other years it was gum drops, tootsie rolls, bubble gum, life savers, and sugar cubes – always sugar cubes – for one’s Sweet Sixteen. So, yes, the good news is that I did have my corsages and I did have my friends. But, instead of being able to feel carefree and able to smile and laugh, I wore the face of sorrow as I honored the dead.

I am not sharing this so to evoke any degree of pity. I’m writing this to reassure anyone who grew up in a family such as mine - where chaos and confusion were the norm - that it is natural to seek comfort outside one’s family.

Those fortunate enough to live in healthier families where children are celebrated daily and where there is time and energy for fun and laughter would probably not have felt as deprived as I did or as conflicted about having to share Memorial Day with anyone, let alone people whom I did not know, and who were, furthermore, dead. Illness and the possible loss of my mother was an ever present and frightening threat hovering over me during the day when I was awake and in the nightmares of my sleep. It was a threat of which I did not need to be reminded, especially on my birthday.

Today, however, as I am being feted by family and am most grateful to my daughter Keren who is hosting the festivities and my daughter Mia who has kept me laughing throughout the days leading up to today, I am more than able and very proud to share my birthday with all those families who unfortunately are recalling those whom they have lost in war.

My hope is that we who continue to advocate for mental health will live to see a time when services are readily available to those suffering the wounds – physical or mental – of war, as well as those born with predispositions for mental illness. All of us (children, in particular) deserve to feel cared for. All of us deserve to feel safe and have the capacity to be spontaneous and to enjoy all that there is to enjoy in simply being alive.

I need to have that as my goal, just as I need to advocate for my patients when I feel they need me to do so. I’ve been where so many of them are, and I’m here to say the road traveled hasn’t always been easy. Yet, I’ve fought hard at every turn to interrupt the cycle of dysfunction, to offer unconditional love – as imperfect as I am and as incomplete as it may be – in the hope that my mother’s suffering will never be experienced by the generations that follow mine. And I encourage others, like myself, to find ways to do the same.

Today then is, as it should be, an official day of remembrance, a day we call Memorial Day. It is also happens to be my birthday and the birthday of all who were born on May 30th.

We all deserve to be remembered and honored, and our fallen soldiers deserve no less.

So, with thoughts of all those who are remembering loved ones, I also send birthday wishes to those who share this day as their birthday. May you celebrate in whatever way gives you the most pleasure and may the year ahead be filled with good health and much love.

Yours,
Linda

A GLOBAL CRISIS AFFECTING BOTH PATIENTS and HEALTH CARE PROVIDERS: THE RISK OF HEALTH-CARE ASSOCIATED INFECTIONS

2010-05-23T00:15:00.004-04:00

Individual physicians and the medical staff at hospitals help save lives every day. In any community, in every state, people of every age who are sick (from newborns to the elderly) rely on hospitals to be places where they will be cared for, their illnesses treated and their pain relieved.

Fortunately, that IS exactly what happens ... for those who are lucky.

But, according to the World Health Organization (WHO), “at any point in time, 1.4 million people worldwide suffer from infections acquired in hospitals ... and the risk of acquiring health-associated infections in developing countries is 2-20 times higher than in developed countries.” As its initials imply, HAI refers to any acquired infection developed in a hospital or health care facility.

These are staggering statistics which affect staggering numbers of people! Therefore, when I was recently contacted by Barbara Dunn at www.haiwatchnews.com asking if I would help inform my readers about how they could learn more about HAI (Health Associated Infections), I agreed without a moment's hesitation. I felt compelled to do so, especially after logging onto NOT ON MY WATCH at www.haiwatch.com, which educates both patients and health care professionals about ways to eliminate preventable illnesses and their often tragic consequences. I urge you to do the same, for among the many things you will learn is that: “Afflicting thousands of patients every year, HAI often leads to lengthening hospitalization, increasing the likelihood of readmission, and adding sizably to the cost of health care per patient.” Then, too, you will learn that the most common problem with the highest morbidity and mortality of all Healthcare Associated Infections is Ventilator-Associated Pneumonia (VAP), Surgical Site Infections (SSIs), and Cross Contamination (Contact Transfer) to name but a few.

Lest you think that I am simply attempting to champion a cause which, in any case, deserves attention, I will tell you that Barbara Dunn’s finding my blog on the web and asking me to help spread the word is more meaningful than she could have ever guessed, for she would have no way of knowing that I was a victim of one such hospital induced infection. The surgery for which I entered the hospital some years ago went very well. I healed from it in record time. But, I was one of the unlucky patients affected and infected by Clostridium Difficile, more commonly referred to today as the C-Diff bacterial infection. It took my body an entire year to recover from its debilitating symptoms and their intrusion upon my daily life. Since I have first-hand knowledge about this very real problem, I wish to spare anyone from suffering unnecessarily!

The good news according to HAI-Watch is that “growing public anxiety regarding the issue and resulting in legislation on state and local levels demanding accountability, is serving to accelerate initiatives to combat HAI’s."

However, the only way to protect patients from such risks is also to educate the medical community. That is precisely what NOT ON MY WATCH is attempting to do, and the way in which they’re doing it seems to make a lot of sense. They provide facilities with a toolkit that contains information, flyers, patient safety tips and posters.

The NOT ON MY WATCH campaign provides information and understands all too well that "busy doctors and nurses on the front lines of delivering care can find it difficult to find the time to take advantage of scheduled programs within their hospitals.” That is why – in their commitment to quality care and infection prevention - nationwide doctors and hospitals are partnering with Kimberly-Clark to provide educational programs to staff and management. Accredited (CE) programs based on best practices and guidelines as well as research on reducing the incidence of healthcare-associated infections are provided and up-dated as often as possible.

The HAI education bus seen above is a mobile classroom that brings accredited CE Education right to your door. They encourage everyone – as I do – to look for this tour bus, “as it makes its way across the country, delivering education about healthcare-associated infections and other critical healthcare issues from the Plains of Texas to the California coast to New York City and places in between." Also, remember that just by logging onto www.haiwatch.com you will be able to follow information regarding how to keep yourself best informed about any/all health associated infections.

Educated consumers – especially where health is concerned – can only lead to a healthier nation. Become a part of those who continue to press for more research and who spread the word about the need for PREVENTION.

Support those who advocate for us, do the research and provide the education necessary to help us all!

Yours,
Linda

WE ARE MORE THAN JUST OUR ACHING PARTS!

2010-05-16T01:09:00.031-04:00

By the time one reaches middle age and beyond, it’s not unusual to need the services of a variety of physicians with numerous specialties, each of whose name and phone number take up a page or more in one’s phone book. At least, that’s true for me and most of my peers.

It’s also true that both medicine and the roles of physicians are drastically different from when I was a child in the 1940s and 50s. In many respects, the changes have been for the better, certainly with regard to all the high tech advances.

However, where once a family doctor made house calls (for which, I might add, there was never an extra fee), today most doctors are so burdened they seldom have enough time to spend with their patients, many of whom are kept waiting long past their scheduled appointment time. Private practitioners are also deciding to join large group practices in order to get coverage for their patients and to stay financially solvent themselves.

That being said, doctors have been rigorously trained to diagnose and to treat not just a disease or injured anatomical part, but also to do no harm to a patient. And, since by definition, a patient is someone who is already vulnerable and compromised, common sense tells us that it’s the physician’s obligation to treat the whole person, to take into consideration a patient’s probable fears and concerns, while at the same time evaluating the presenting problem and determining the best course of action.

In general, I consider myself to be fortunate. The physicians I’ve chosen for myself are all exemplary: intelligent, respectful, thoughtful, caring people who have given me every reason to trust their expertise as well as their concern for my well-being.

I can’t say that I haven’t bumped into a few whose offices I wished I had never entered, but that’s true in any profession. Not everyone is talented. Not everyone is caring. But, I can also tell you that throughout the years I've been in practice, my patients have often talked about doctors whose manners were so insulting and whose care so questionable, that I've had to spend their session time helping them to feel empowered, to know that they had a right to be their own advocates, and to believe that they never had to suffer from anyone’s emotional abuse - doctors included.

This brings me to why I am writing this particular blog this particular week. Some say that we teach what we need to learn. That may be true, but as my blood started to boil when I was in the office of a highly successful physician this past week, I was reminded of all that I’ve been teaching these many years. I won’t lie and say that I had not been forewarned. I won’t leave out the part where the referring doctor told me that the man he was recommending had NO bedside manner and could even be abrasive. I knew all that but my priority was to be provided with an excellent treatment plan. I didn't particularly need someone who would also be “warm and fuzzy.”

However, when the physician had me in his office and quickly scanned the lengthy medical history forms I'd been asked to complete, he began to offer a plan of action without even looking at me. He left no time nor did he have any desire to hear anything I, the patient, might need to say. He touched my knees, did some range of motion maneuvers, had a technician do some x-rays, and then asked if I wished to think about his plan of attack or wanted to begin receiving his protocol, a series of injections.

I was so delighted to learn that what he was offering could stave off surgery for years that I agreed to have that first injection. His hand was heavy, the pain significant. But, still, it was not surgery. I could, I convinced myself, deal with his unpleasant manner and inability to communicate respectfully.

When I returned the following week for my second and final injection, which was to hold me over for four months, the noted doctor was on vacation and the injection was administered by a gentler soul. The actual pain was minimal. My mood upon leaving had not been darkened, and my personhood had not felt threatened.

So, what’s my beef? Why am I about to rant? I hope it’s because I want to process what happened to me and, at the same time, help any of you who may encounter similar situations. You see, the story hasn’t ended yet!

When I came to his office the following week to review my progress, as scheduled, the doctor was in a foul mood. I knew that because I could hear him shouting in the hallway. He was having a phone conversation with someone concerning an uncle he clearly believed wasn’t getting the home care he paid for and deserved. My problem was that he then brought all the anger and frustration at whomever he’d been speaking with into the examination room, and immediately began to ram a series of questions down my throat. I’ll spare you the details of what ensued. Suffice it to say, I think I eventually found my voice and did let him know what I thought of his behavior ... and that I resented not being treated as a whole person but only as two injured anatomical parts, namely my two knees.

My husband, who had been able to accompany me, also helped by telling the doctor – most respectfully, I might add – that it appeared as if it were burdensome for him to listen to his patients and asked him to please allow me to speak.

Did said doctor eventually apologize and offer to shake my hand? Yes! But the grief he had caused me until that point, the insinuated insults and implied knowledge of who he assumed I was, reminded me of all my patients over the years who had been treated similarly but who had no voice with which to challenge their doctor’s so-called authority.

White coat or no coat, highly recommended or found in the yellow pages, doctors do not have license to abuse their patients. We are the consumer. We can choose to suffer the slings and arrows of any "professional" or we can leave and never return. The choice is ours! We mustn't allow anyone to bully us into believing otherwise.

So, remember this, if ever you find the need to do so: Part of the modern Hippocratic oath sworn to by all physicians upon graduation includes this statement: “I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon’s knife or the chemist’s drug.”

Here’s to health, excellent medical care, and good decisions on our part to assist ourselves in maintaining our physical and emotional well-being!

Have a great week!

Yours,
Linda

2010-05-09T10:57:00.043-04:00

MOTHER'S DAY AND MENTAL HEALTH MONTH!
On this Mother’s Day, as I find myself feeling more sentimental than usual, I wish that my mother was still alive to meet the grandchildren who were born years after her death and to know the young women, our daughters, whom she only knew as children. I wish, too, that she could have lived to benefit from all the advances in psychiatry and psychiatric medications.

In the first chapter of my memoir, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS, I write: “Mother didn’t read to me. She told me stories.” Though some of her stories were colorful and amusing, the majority were sad and filled with the tragedy of her earliest memories and the loss of both her parents before she entered adolescence. It’s also true that my mother’s behavior – due to her frequent bouts with major depression - often lacked consistency, ranging from being loving and rational to the times when “she was not herself” and when she and all our family suffered. Yet, despite what we were denied due to her mental illness, I was never left feeling un-loved. That is the one loss I never suffered, though I know many people who have.

My mother’s love for me was always unconditional, and it is a gift I will always cherish. So, while our lives were far from ideal, I welcomed her love and continue to welcome LOVE every day of my life.

Since today is Mother’s Day, I naturally find myself thinking about her. But, May is also Mental Health Month, and I wish to honor her memory by focusing, as well, on the issues of mental health.

What still astounds me is the fact that though early detection and treatment is always stressed when referring to physical illnesses, the stigma of mental illness and emotional problems still exists today, often silencing those who are suffering and those who witness the suffering: parents, siblings, colleagues, or closest friends.

Researchers and clinicians study statistics and educate themselves about emerging treatment modalities, including the advances discovered in medications. Yet, all too often, the public at large remains ignorant and consequently powerless about what to do about the dark feelings they experience or the questionable behaviors they witness – all of which are outside the accepted norms.

Many of us, unfortunately, assume that we are capable of handling disturbing and potentially life-threatening problems on our own. Yet, that is the one thing we cannot afford to do. Call it denial, call it a paralysis to take action. It doesn’t matter what label is used, what matters is that we cannot allow emotional cancers to grow. We cannot ignore warning signs and pretend that by ignoring them everything will simply “go away.” We must educate ourselves or allow others to educate us, even though it is easier, at first glance, to think – especially when children are at risk – that abnormal behaviors are but a passing phase that will simply heal with time. In a small percentage of cases that is absolutely true. Yet, it is still wiser to err on the side of having an evaluation by a trained clinician, whether our concern is about a child, an adolescent, or an adult.

The number of suicides, murders and rapes on college campuses, the abuse and then “disappearances” of women with disgruntled partners or husbands, the snatching of children by strangers who are listed as sex offenders or even by their own deranged parents MUST NOT escalate further. Attention must be paid and treatment made available for those who are sick. Every sick person who goes untreated and every person who takes the law into his or her own hands affects the very fabric of our society.

I would not, of course, have continued to practice therapy these past twenty-five years if I did not believe that each of us has the potential to alter and even reverse destructive patterns of behavior. With the exception, perhaps, of sex offenders, I believe that mental illness is, in general, treatable, especially when diagnosed and treated early. Some need and benefit from only brief treatment and others may need to be stabilized throughout their lives; but, first and foremost, we must recognize when help is needed for ourselves or others.

On this day, I encourage all of us to honor the mother in each of us and in our daughters who are mothers. We must also honor the people who get the help they need to live healthy, productive lives, making good choices, learning how to best cope with life’s challenges and how not to hide and feel shamed by their genetic wiring. Getting help to improve whatever predispositions we may have inherited or developed is something each of us deserves.

The most recent statistics from reputable sources claim that there are nearly one in three Americans who suffer from a mental disorder in any given year. That’s more than 75 million people! And we know, too, that mental illness does not discriminate. It affects children and adults of all socio-economic backgrounds and across all races and religions.

The bottom line is that every mentally well-balanced person in our society makes us all that much safer and healthier. Investing in mental health is an investment in our individual future and the future of the world. We cannot afford to turn our backs and pretend it does not exist. We must somehow be a part of the solution and not add to the problem.

Should you or someone you know need help, please get a referral from a trusted physician, a person you know who has benefited from being treated by a particular practitioner, or a mental health clinic or agency in your local area that has a good reputation. Call for a consultation. Interview whoever interviews you and remember that therapy is only as good as the clinician who is treating you. The relationship you have with that person is a microcosm of all relationships outside the therapy room. Therefore, if you learn all that you can learn from a therapist (with or without the added assistance of medication when indicated), you will gain the tools to be your very best person and, as the saying goes, to make lemonade out of what you thought was a lemon.

With all best wishes for a wonderful Mother’s Day to all mothers and in memory of my dear mother, I hope this is truly a month in which we will all be mindful of the need to pay attention to mental health issues.

If I am able to help you directly or to offer you good resources should you live outside the greater New York area, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Yours,
Linda

2010-05-02T11:59:00.024-04:00

THE RISE IN CHILD ABUSE AS ECONOMY FALLS!

More than twenty years ago -- after practicing psychotherapy for over ten years -- I became certified as an alcohol and substance abuse counselor and was asked to participate in a study regarding the rise in alcohol abuse/addiction during harsh economic times. The findings astounded me then, but they were of no surprise to those who initiated the study. What was discovered was not only a rise in the abuse of alcohol and other substances, but a significant rise in family violence. Then, too, wherever we found an abused woman, there were usually abused children in the same family. All this was not merely an eye opener for me but also, as I was led to see, a no-win situation. The facts were known. The data available. But the very men (and, for the most part, men and not women were the offenders) who were without employment and who could not support their families were the same ones who were most in need of social services that would teach them how to channel their frustration, keep their rage under wraps, and gain skills to protect the women who somehow kept food on their table and birthed their children.

So, the other day when I read an article in HealthDay (a web-based news source)stating that there was a clear rise in head injuries in children since the economic recession that began in 2007, I was no longer shocked, but I did experience, once again, a visceral response.

Reading further, I learned that a research team had looked over the 2004-2009 records of four urban children's hospitals and reported on 511 cases of trauma. Dr. Rachel P. Berger (Pediatrician in the Child Advocacy Center at the Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh and the study’s author) stated unequivocally that "the ebb and flow of abusive head trauma cases correlated with economic ups and downs” and concluded that “we know that poverty and stress are clearly related to child abuse.”

The average age of the cases studied and reported was a little over nine months, although patients ranged from as young as nine days old to six and a half years old. Nearly six in tentients were male, and about the same proportion were white as those of color.” Overall, 16 percent of the children reportedly died from their injuries.

HealthDay reporter Alan Mozes also noted that this finding “may ultimately touch upon a broader national trend,” and I agree.

Precarious economic times are closely associated with an increased rate of violence, in general, along with abuse within families, including head trauma (often referred to as "shaken baby syndrome"). According to Dr. Berger: "As the economy tanked, the trend towards an increase in cases was most strongly evidenced in two of the four hospitals studied,” and she and the other authors of the study concluded that while several factors were operative in their findings, it could not be ignored that "social service cuts and psychological stresses propelled by tough times might ultimately get at the precise underpinnings of the problem."

Jay G Silverman, an associate professor of society and human development and health at the Harvard University School of Public Health in Boston, noted: "Abusive head traumas is one of the most observable indicators of child abuse, because they result from the most extreme domestic violence that requires hospitalization. But there are many, many, many more child abuse cases that we wouldn't expect to show up as traumatic brain injuries in the E.R. So an increase seen in head trauma is probably indicative of an even larger problem. And that means that this finding should really be a major public concern."

The irony is that there have been, and unfortunately always will be, a segment of the population that is impoverished or living on the edge of poverty, but most have never resorted to violence, especialy toward innocent children. Yet, it is also true that if those who are poor are also predisposed to anger, are un-medicated or self-medicated for depression or anxiety, and are furthermore unskilled and uneducated to begin with, the loss of any possible employment will leave these people feeling they have no options other than to act out despite the severity of the consequences. And who suffers the most? Our innocent children.

That is not to say that abuse does not occur among the rich or the rich and famous, or that it is absent from other cultures and religions. The ugly reality that abuse exists is documented every day and not merely now during economically difficult times. The point, however, is that it is clearly more pervasive during times when help is not available to those who could benefit from having it and who cannot afford to pay for it out of pocket.

How can we allow this to continue? Natural disasters and war will inevitably continue to distract us and deflate our spirits and our economy, but we cannot let it also scar the future generation of Americans. Their right to survive (if not thrive) is a God-given right. When harmed by the very adults who are supposed to protect them, when our states and the federal government continue to cut school programs and social service agency personnel, rest assured that the mental health of our nation will not merely be threatened. It will suffer irreparable damage.

Whatever we can do and however loudly we can shout, we must convince the powers that be that focusing on this problem is not a luxury but an absolute necessity.
It must be attended to NOW!

Do let me know if you agree.

Warm regard to one and all ~ Linda

*Please see amazon.com for reviews of published memoir:
FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS: A Psychotherapist's Journey Into and Beyond Her Mother's Mental Illness

TO CELEBRATE OR NOT TO CLEBRATE, THAT IS A QUESTION!

2010-04-25T21:48:00.004-04:00

Whether or not a day is filled with sunshine or the weather is dreary, whether it’s during the short, darker days of winter or the longer brighter days of summer, we can all find reasons to feel depressed or happy, engaged or wanting solitude.

I’ve never understood, though, why some people prefer not to acknowledge and/or celebrate birthdays or any special occasion but do, instead, whatever they can to avoid celebrating and discourage others from participating in celebrations for them. Such a choice no doubt reflects in part on whether they were taught to value and enjoy such days or were encouraged instead to discount them as being frivolous, paying homage only to Hallmark.

The reason for my desire and need to celebrate may seem obvious to some, but I believe I would feel the same way if I had not experienced all that I had experienced throughout my childhood.

For those of you who have read my memoir, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS, you know that I grew up with a mother whose health was always precarious. Consequently, I remember having only 2 birthday parties prior to my Sweet Sixteen: one when I was about 3 years old (because I distinctly recall being awakened from an afternoon nap to get into a party dress before our relatives arrived) and another when I was 10 and some school friends were invited over for birthday cake. We sat in a semi-circle on folding chairs, all rather formal, not particularly child-friendly nor happy-making.

Yet, once I became a mother, it gave me immeasurable pleasure to plan and design elaborate birthday parties for each of our daughters. I suppose Freud would say that I tried to make up for all that I missed during my formative years ... but, in truth, I never resented my mother for not doing more. I knew that she did her best and never having known life to be otherwise, I’m not sure I missed what I didn’t have.

With the ability to do more for my girls, though, I made the choice to celebrate each of them on each of their birth-days.

Some of us are, of course, more resilient than others and DO manage to handle life’s inevitable curve balls with greater ease and equanimity. To the degree that we do, we are, of course, influenced by genetics – all that we’ve inherited – as well as our environment, and the individually acquired attitudes that we have chosen to adopt in order to best live our lives.

However, we don’t have to have a psychiatric disorder to feel up one day and down another. That’s life. Things happen. We are not robots and we are entitled to feel joyful or sad, as the situation warrants. So, if celebrating only makes a person feel sad, I guess that person will do whatever is necessary to avoid days that mark special occasions.

In our family, we celebrated several birthdays last month, not least of which was that of our grandson. This week we’ll be toasting our granddaughter. During May we’ll have our youngest daughter’s birthday, my nephew’s birthday and mine, and we’ll celebrate my husband’s birthday in June. Though I undoubtedly relate differently to the birthdays of others than I do to my own, each will be a reminder of time passing.

Yet, since the passing of time does not in and of itself depress me, I welcome birthdays and all occasions. My attitude toward aging, along with my acceptance of life’s challenges, colors such days for me in ways that I truly treasure.

I know how easy it is for some to fall into the trap of relating to the construct of TIME (which I devoted an entire blog to months ago) not with gleeful anticipation but with reluctance and a fear of getting older.

It’s a choice.

While it may not be possible for others, I, for one, heartily recommend celebrating. With the current level of unrest in the world, it seems only sensible to give ourselves reasons to celebrate, to find the energy and have the spirit to enjoy the wonders of existence, and to hope that all the insanity that surrounds us on any given day – most of which is out of our control – will not rob us of the choice to rejoice!

So, to all of you who have a birthday, anniversary, or any other reason to celebrate, I hope you will do so, realizing that though time is indeed passing, we who are here are lucky to be alive and to have reasons to celebrate!

Have a great week.

~ Linda

FINDING YOUR VOICE

2010-04-18T01:24:00.016-04:00

There's hardly a day that goes by when a patient doesn't need help in finding his or her voice to feel empowered. The fear of talking honestly and appropriately about what one hears, sees, and thinks is an on-going challenge.

Worse yet is to think of all the abused teens and adults who are unable to tell anyone of their experiences or children who are forbidden to reveal dysfunction in their family, whether it be emotional or physical abuse, or illness of any kind. They are told NOT TO TALK ABOUT anything which might bring shame to the family. Yet, such silence impedes their emotional development and leaves permanent scars.

On a far more global level, I was reminded today of that very need to find one’s voice as I watched the film, AGAINST THE TIDE, a documentary which one critic writes “bravely traces forgotten history and rattles the skeleton in a couple of famous men’s closets.” Specifically, that critic is referring to Rabbi Stephen Wise and President Franklin Roosevelt whom one actually sees in this film as doing little in the years when they could have done so much more to save European Jewry from the Nazis. Roosevelt – who was seen by many in the immigrant community as one of our great presidents, a man who helped to save this great nation of ours – was convinced by Rabbi Wise and others like him that it was not in his best political interest to rescue “those Jews.” Although that is something I regret to say I was not aware of before, the film makes it known that Roosevelt as well as some outspoken anti-semites in his cabinet did what they could to stall immigration, even when it was possible to save lives that could have still been saved. In those instances, men found their voices, but what came out of their mouths were bigoted, inflammatory, anti-semitic remarks which only the likes of Winston Churchill had the courage to defy.

In the film we learn about Peter Bergson, born Hillel Kook in 1915, in Lithuania. He and his family immigrated to Palestine in 1929. As a known activist, he was sent to Poland in '37 to help organize illegal immigration. When WWII broke out, he came to America and was neither intimidated nor silenced by anyone, although his dramatic appeal to the public embarrassed those who were fearful that WWII would be viewed as a Jewish invention, thereby stirring up anti-semitism here at home. Now, in retrospect, many view him to be one of the most successful, un-sung Jewish heroes who fought to raise awareness in America about the fate of the European Jews. He formed the group that came to be known as the Bergson Group, running full-page ads in newspapers reluctant to give the events of the Holocaust proper front page placement. The New York Times, for example, tucked news of mass murders of Polish Jews in the middle of the paper. One can only assume that the publisher, a practicing Jew, feared that the paper would be seen as being too Jewish, supporting what some would view as a "Jewish War." Bergson and his followers, however, held rallies, marched to Washington and was no doubt a thorn in the sides of comfortable and solidly assimilated Jews.

As for those who lived and died in the concentration camps of Europe and for all those in every country where genocide has occurred and is occurring today it is not often possible for those who are so victimized to have voices. They are silenced into submission and worse!

Therefore, those of us who are able to do so, must supply OUR voices when faced with crimes against humanity. We must not empower abusers or murderers be they governments or individuals by our silence, no matter the cause for which they claim to be fighting or the costumes they hide behind.

In the best of circumstances, what it means to find one’s voice is the importance of knowing how and when to be an advocate, how and when to identify what’s really important, what is evident to us, and what we feel is worthy of our concern. We must not deceive ourselves into believing that what we know to be true is not true. We owe it to ourselves to speak out. Doing so defines who we are and how we wish others to experience us.

I suppose had I said nothing after viewing this film today, I would be guilty of exactly what I am saying none of us can afford to do ... and that is to remain silent.

~ Linda

CRITICAL TIMES CALL FOR CREATIVE SOLUTIONS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

2010-04-04T00:13:00.016-04:00

This is no news to any of you: These are critical times politically and economically and, as a result, nearly every aspect of our lives is affected.

In many instances decisions made are not in our control. If a business goes belly-up and you happen to be one of its employees, you’ve lost your job. If you work for a company that couldn’t afford to give bonuses this year, then money you were counting on to pay for certain necessities is not available to you. For others, if a boss decided that in order to remain in business jobs had to be cut along with salaries, and if you were lucky enough to still have your job you had to decide whether you were able to afford to live on the reduced salary being offered.

While most of us like to think that we’re resilient, too many working men and women are being challenged, put to tests that call into question their ability to make the best decision for themselves and/or their family.

That being said, however, many people are necessarily changing careers, creating new positions for themselves and fighting to survive, maintaining their dignity by being pro-active and creative in their thinking.

For those over 65 (the once customary age of retirement) who still wish to continue working, the challenge is even greater. As one such person in that group, I feel fortunate that I am self-employed:(1)as a psychotherapist with a sub-specialty in addictions treating individuals, couples and families (2)as an author and blogger (3)and as an oral historian and lecturer. This still means, however, that I am having to cut corners and make decisions that I would not have had to make in the past. But, along with many of my friends and colleagues, I am opting to think creatively and come up with solutions that will allow me to do the work I enjoy while not giving up or drastically changing my lifestyle.

Examples: Due to the difficulties imposed upon all of us by insurance companies, many physicians are leaving solo private practices, taking salaried positions or forming group practices. (There is power in numbers and they’re figuring that out!) A great many of my colleagues who are psychotherapists are no longer on any insurance panels. Their patients, for the most part, claim their fees as medical deductions at year’s end and others are being treated in clinics where some are still able to receive quality care.

I have chosen to offer some of my patients fees on a sliding scale to help accommodate their economic hardships. To meet a resulting monthly short fall myself, I’m planning ways to increase my practice.

Although I am – as many of you are – on FACEBOOK and LINKEDIN as ways to make myself visible to more people and to gain greater access to various possibilities, I am also in the process of designing a personal website which will enable others to know about my practice, to sign up for a free consultation and then be offered a fee they can afford. In addition to statements about how I work, testimonials from current patients will be available, as well as my bio, which will show anyone interested, my educational background, training, and degrees.

As the author of a memoir, FOUR ROOMS, UPSTAIRS, which has received nothing but 5 star reviews on Amazon.com and named FINALIST in the Next Generation Indie Book Awards, and as a weekly blogger, named TOP BLOGGER in the Mental Health Field by WELLsphere, I will also be offering a direct link/subscription to my blog and my book and will, with luck, keep my book in continued circulation by offering an order form right on my website. I will then send copies out immediately upon request, making it easy to pay through a PAY PAL account and offering a discounted rate, as well.

I am telling you all this not merely to promote myself, but hopefully to give you the courage to think outside the box, to be creative about your own life choices so that you are able to manage what IS in your control.

It’s not easy and it’s not always possible, but I do think solutions are more probable if we wrap our minds around different ways of being in the world and, like children who are learning something new and inevitably make mistakes, we can learn from our mistakes, move on and succeed.

On this Easter Sunday – a day and time of “renewal” for Christians – and at the end of this week of Passover which celebrates an escape from slavery, I wish you all the courage and strength to escape from financial/personal bondage, to fulfill your potential and to believe in the power of your ability to help your dreams become reality.

Yours,
Linda